I can't just forgive and move on

[Inthebluemountains]

Apologies if this is long...

When I was younger I was sexually abused by my father. I never told anyone and when I was 10 my parents divorced. After that I refused to see my Dad, my brother continued to see him and was annoyed that I wouldn't.

About 15 years ago I told my brother why I wouldn't see my Dad during an argument. He went mad and had a huge row with my dad. However, about a month later he was back on good terms with him. I was very hurt but kept my distance and left him to get on with it.

Fast forward a few years and my brother fell out with my Dad again as he was behaving inappropriately around my neice. He also chose to tell my mum everything, including what he had done to me which I never wanted her to know. He also revealed that he had seen dodgy images on my dad's computer prior to me telling him what he'd done to me.

I'm finding it hard to have a relationship with my brother after all this. Both he and my mum think I should just move on and forget but I just feel betrayed. He betrayed my confidence by telling my mum and believed my dad over me despite having seen images on his computer prior to me telling him.

For years I've had to see my Dad at family events (my brothers weddings, christenings, parties etc) which has been very difficult for me. I also feel like he put my niece in a vulnerable position despite everything he knew.

I'm very good at pretending I'm OK but I'm really not and really don't see why I should have a relationship with my brother after all of this.

I suppose this is just a bit of a rant really although perhaps someone can give me a different perspective.

I would contact NAPAC as they could help you further here; this is their link napac.org.uk/

Your dad should be in prison for his crimes. You do not have to pretend, move on or forget (they are saying that to protect their own selves at your ongoing expense) and personally I would bust this wide open going forward; abuse after all thrives on secrecy.

Unfortunately many family members can and do often choose to close ranks with the abuser and remain in contact with them. You do not have to further contact your brother if you do not wish to. Do you think your mother turned a blind eye to what was happening at home when you were a child, do you think she knew the truth about her H?. Again I would discuss all this through NAPAC and their counselling services.

Thanks Attilla, I will contact NAPAC. I don't think my mum knew, she was very upset when my brother told her. She just can't seem to understand why I'm upset with my brother.

It might sound weird but knowing that he had seen those images before I told him makes it so much worse that he didn't believe me.

I expect your mother is conflicted. On the one hand she wouldn't want to believe the abuse you suffered and her mind is trying to minimise it. On the other hand, although she was upset, it's best to know and she can't find it in her to blame your DB. He did what he felt was best. You are still suffering all these years later, and I agree with pp that you ought to get some counselling, and report it to the police.

I am so sorry this happened to you. What an awful thing to have experienced, especially as a child.

Please report your Dad, if you can. It will hopefully stop him viewing images online and abusing other children.

And please seek therapy - it may help you to process what happened in a healthy way so you can move on as best as you possibly can

I've NC for this, as I'm dealing with something similar. My father has been abusing my daughter, we found out last year when my daughter left a note on our bed.
Obviously we had no idea. The trial date is set.
My sister, her husband, my nephew and his girlfriend have all sided with my father. In complete denial.
My father phoned me and confessed, I recorded the conversation. Still they stand by him. I can only conclude that he has lied to them. The police are dumfounded by their behaviour.

From counselling I've concluded that it's so shocking for them to see the truth that they will just bury their heads in the sand.
It's incredibly sad.

Thank you @feelyourpain46, your daughter is a very brave girl and I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. Are you still in contact with your relatives who have taken your father's side?

for you and your daughter

@Inthebluemountains no I'm not, there were some very unpleasant phone calls where we were all called liars etc.
We are all receiving counselling. I was really keen to forgive, I thought it was important, but what I've learnt is that someone has to show remorse and be sorry before you can forgive.
I'm may have a biased view, but if your brother brings nothing positive to your life, for your own benefit, walk away

For some reason this seems to me to be more common than people think (denial of abuse) and I don’t understand it either

In my family it fractured everyone hugely. It wasn’t that people were not believed (happened to multiple children by the same relative) but that after it was outed within the family, the parents of those children continued contact with him for many years - and it didn’t stop him. The adults continued to put the children at risk. He would stop for a while and then restart. Someone from outside the family reported him to the police for their child (the father of a child he had been abusing, my cousin) but the abuse had gone on for decades by then and everyone knew what he was capable of. He died before he was charged with anything. But they all went to his funeral and cried for him (I did not go)

I feel betrayed by my own parents over this and still in shock at some of it. I think your brother will never ‘get it’ and therefore he isn’t someone you should confide in anymore. I would put some distance between you. I suspect your brother sister relationship is no good for you. And I do hope you find some peace and healing

If my relative was still alive I would report him. It scares me at how many other children were at risk because no one did anything but it takes a lot of bravery x