I don't know what to do

[whatdotdo]

Last year, al you wonderful MNers really helped after my ex boyfriend walked out on my whilst pregnant. He was back with an ex girlfriend within weeks - although he swears he didn't cheat...

Fast forward to now. I've gone through a pretty tough year. Being a single parent is hard and I have struggled at times, but I got through it and have got my life back on track financially and emotionally. I'm hopefully starting a new job next month and I have met someone who is happy taking things slow, is respectful and kind, and has his shit together.

Three months ago, my ex told me he still loved me. He left the OW, and moved out of hers back to his mum's. Since then, he's gone from being a pretty rubbish dad, to having his children regularly, taking them out, buying them clothes, and having them overnight - nothing that should be celebrated, but it's like he's a different person.

He doesn't know I've been seeing anyone, as it's not any of his business. I've told him explicitly that we are never getting back together and that actually, he treated me so poorly that even if he hadn't left whilst I was pregnant, I'd never go back. He's just tried to prove that he's not the same person and regularly texts me telling me how gorgeous I am and how he wants to make me happy. I don't reply to these messages or comments and try to keep everything focused on the children.

I feel if he knew I was seeing someone he'd either punish me through the children or he'd be heartbroken and I hate the thought of anyone going through what I went through.

I did consider getting back together for milliseconds, but I can't forgive him for what he did and how he and the OW treated me.

I feel so deceitful though - it feels like I'm doing something wrong - I feel like I can't be honest with him or that I have to hide the fact I'm seeing someone else.

I realise I sound quite pathetic but I don't want to hurt him, don't want to risk him not interacting with the children - after I've worked so hard to facilitate a relationship and I don't want to have to hide what I'm doing like I'm cheating.

Any advice?

Apologies for typos. I have a teething 8 month old who's dribbled all over my phone 🙈

If he is only interacting with the children to impress you, then it's not going to last anyway. He should be seeing and supporting his children because he loves them and wants the best for them! If you perceive a 'risk that he will stop doing this because he realises that he doesn't have a chance of bouncing back into your life then you already know he is not committed to his children. That is NOT your fault. You can't modify your life so that he continues to see HIS children. That's all down to him.

His 'heartbreak' is of his own making, NOT yours. I think letting him know sooner rather than later is best. If he is going to vanish again it would be best before the dc get used to having him around again. You don't have to make a big announcement, just mention a date, and if he questions you, say you are dating and anymore information is none of his business.

I won't ignore his attempts at flirting via text, it gives him hope. Say it is not appropriate or appreciated and you only wish to communicate about dc.

Don't forget he dumped you pregnant, broke your heart, shackled up with his ex and ignored his children. It's only since they split up (bet she dumped his lying immature ass) and he's back living at his mums (ie desperately trying to find someone else, you, to live with) that he's been creeping round again.

This sudden decent dad whose always loved you act is all a fake. He made his own bed and you should not be feeling guilty and beholding because he doesn't like laying in it!

Didn't want to read and run, don't have a great deal of experience as mine isn't this progressed yet.
I would say from an outsider POV he is just doing want he thinks you want, not what he thinks he should be doing as a father.
I would say allow him to find out about the OM, your x may about turn and become a shit again but you cannot control this.
Let him show his true colours, if he does want to be a good dad, he will do it regardless of what he wants from you.
In case anyone hasn't told you this recently, you're doing a great job. Keep your chin up 💐

Thanks for your thoughts - I think you're both right and that's my biggest worry, but it's definitely better to find out now if he's going to stick around for them rather than later.

I feel much much better after finding out three days after he walked out, he was seeing the OW - much, much sooner than he ever admitted, so chances are very high he was cheating.

All it's done is given me great clarity over where my energies lie - and it's not anywhere near him.

The heartbreak was of his own making, @thingsdogetbetter and I'm not wasting any more time feeling sorry for him.

@weakasiam, I hope you're okay - it's a horrible place to be but the cliche of time is a healer is very true. Thanks for your lovely words!

Do absolutely nothing. Just continue with your life the way that you want to with your LO and your new DP.