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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling rejected

12 replies

mysurveysays · 11/08/2018 23:59

I'm hoping for a little perspective on this as I have limited experience having only had two sexual partners.
I have been with my boyfriend for eighteen months now, we live together and all is mostly good. We laugh together, spend lots of time together and he is kind and thoughtful.
My issue is that's it's nearly always me that has to instigate sex and when I do he thinks nothing of turning me down. When we do have sex it is amazing. I feel like he's not that bothered and would just as easily go to sleep though and it's really starting to get me down. I have spoken to him about this and he insists that this is not the case but again I'm lying here feeling rubbish while he sleeps. I did instigate last night but got the response 'can we have sex tomorrow instead' Hmm
Does anyone else have the same problem? How often do you have sex in your relationship?

OP posts:
user1467232073 · 12/08/2018 00:06

Have there been any indications from him that he is turned on or desires you? Has there been a change in behaviour to how he used to be? Is he worried about something?

Original poster
mysurveysays · 12/08/2018 00:09

Yes he makes comments to me like calling me sexy etc sats he loves me all the time and I believe he does. I had the same problem in my last ltr though and I'm worried it's going to end up in a vicious circle of him not being too bothered about it, to me becoming fed up and losing confidence leading to even less desire from him etc iyswim?

OP posts:
HelpfulHermione · 12/08/2018 00:18

Dump him now.

Best case scenario you have majorily differing libidos. It won’t ever change and you will spend the rest of your time with him feeling like shit. There isn’t much thats as soul destroying as having to persuade someone to fuck you.

Seriously, life’s too short.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 12/08/2018 00:32

Agree with Hermione. If he's 'take it or leave it' after 18 months it isn't going to get any better. Sex is important, its the glue that holds many relationships together, the one thing that differentiates them from friendships/house shares etc. so if you're not well matched in that department it will cause resentment and disappointment.

It's a shame that he doesn't feel that the amazing sex is worth bothering with more often, but unless HE sees that as a problem and decides to eg get his hormone levels checked or talk through any issues he has around it, there's not much you can do.

Is he otherwise affectionate, cuddles, kisses etc? Has he always been like this, or is it a new thing, or has he been under extra stress lately or anything?

PankyE · 12/08/2018 00:36

9.5 times out of 10 I instigate the sex. Been together for 4 years now!
The reason is my history of being sexually assaulted. Quite often if he comes on to me I freeze up and I retraumatise.

However! I have a very high sex drive and we shag about 3-5 times a week. More if its egg week!

Once I said I'd like him to instigate sex. He did and I totally freaked out lol... So if he is feeling raaaandy, he will wink and grin at me and say "heeeeey sexy". But I have to go to him not the other way around.

Point is, discuss these things! Find out who is more sub and who is more dom and work with it! X

Original poster
mysurveysays · 12/08/2018 09:04

We have discussed it and he thinks I'm sex mad Hmm
I admit I do want it more than him but I'm glad that from the replies on this post this doesn't mean that I'm weird at least!
I don't want to end things as we are mostly great in every other way and I love him loads.

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 12/08/2018 10:47

One person’s ‘sex mad’ is another person’s frigid Grin. Don’t let him make you feel bad for wanting to have sex. However, he shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting it either. If you can’t find a happy medium and doing it yourself doesn’t cut it, then you’ll have to look at your options, either splitting up, open relationship or putting it up with it and growing to resent him.

Are you on any hormonal contraceptives? If you’re not, you might find taking the pill dulls your sex drive to the same level as his! (Not a serious suggestion btw, but to increase libido I’d normally say come OFF the pill!)

C0untDucku1a · 12/08/2018 10:49

Did he say youre sex mad in a way to make you feel
Bad?

Original poster
mysurveysays · 12/08/2018 11:21

Not at all, he was joking. Still made me question myself 😬
I know I can't make him feel bad for not wanting it either but I'm struggling not to.
I just hate feeling like I'm on the back foot, here to have sex with it not but never a priority. It's the intimacy I want.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 12/08/2018 11:26

Well on a different thread, “once a week is plenty”

user1467232073 · 12/08/2018 12:48

I would back off and see how long it takes for him to initiate things

Original poster
mysurveysays · 12/08/2018 12:52

That's exactly what I've been doing! It's leaving me more fed up and annoyed with him by the day!

OP posts:
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