Strain on marriage since having DC

[Wherearewe]

My husband and I always been prone to bickering but since having our child (18 months ago) there’s been a lot of strain on our marriage. Our child isn’t a good sleeper and we don’t have family help, so it’s not been easy for us and admittedly there’s resentment on both sides. My husband isn’t phased by the fairly regular arguments - that’s life and we’re both knackered, is his point of view. But I find it very upsetting and I worry that it’s unhealthy and not fair to bring up our child in an argumentative household.

The arguments are usually caused by situations where he feels that I’m not listening to him or not respecting his opinions. I get upset at what I perceive to be an irrational/disproportionate response to my annoying him.

I still love my husband, but find these arguments and the way he speaks to me sometimes upsetting. I should add that he suffers from depression and anxiety, which can affect his mood at times.

My husband doesn’t think we need to do anything, just try our best and muddle through. I’m keen to try address the issues but he’s not interested in marriage counselling as he doesn’t think talking about things will help.

Does anyone have any advice to offer?

I think to a greater extent, he is right.
When sleep deprived, everybody is irritable. If you both try to remember that, and not get riled by annoying comments, it might help.

or

Maybe a compromise - if you think Marriage Guidance will help and he won't consider it - might be to try to make a bit of time each week when you can both say something that is really irritating you at the moment. I'd advise you to also counter it with both trying to think of something to say that you also appreciated about the other one that week too. Trouble is with this is that you need to be calm and rational and wanting to try this, for it to help, and at this point, you might not be in the right mindset.

Thank you for your response, yes hopefully it is much down to tiredness and being frazzled. That’s a good suggestion re. alternative to counselling. I’m not sure how much he’d be up for it but I could always ask on a good day..!

Anyone else have any pearls of wisdom to share with me?

Sorry you're going through this OP. Sleep deprivation is horrible. As for pearls of wisdom, if you think the relationship is being affected by it, well, the obvious answer is for you to both get more sleep or at least rest / quality time.

• Have you tried sleep training? We had to do that with DS1. It was horrible at first but worked in 3 days.
• Could you afford a cleaner?
• Do you have any scope for time together, just the two of you, or quality time alone?

Otherwise if he is good in other ways I think you need to sit your DH down and say you need to work on this, on being kind and more patient together, as your marriage is at risk. You've written for advice over the internet so it must be serious. Make him realise how serious.

Thank you JeanGenie, appreciate your reply and advice.

Sleep training - yes we need to tackle this. Our boy is so wilful, previous attempts have been aborted and I’ve taken to cosleeping (while husband sleeps in the spare bed - not ideal). We need to tackle it again.

Would love a cleaner but things are tight so I’ve just lowered my (already low!) standards.

Time together - this is something that’s missing. You are right, we need it. We’ve had one day together on our own. I’ve suggested getting a babysitter for the odd afternoon or something, but my husband doesn’t think our boy is ready for that yet (!) Will just have to agree to another day off together.

I feel we’ve completely lost touch with ourselves as a couple - our main identities are employees and partners in parental duties. He’s moody by nature anyway, so by the end of the day he’s not got much to give.