Worried: flirting or friends?

[JLWorried]

I'm in a horrible position. Relationship in a very bad way (lots down to how I treated DH during early years with our two kids) but I have told him I want to make it work.

He's been secretive with his phone for last few months and I look at it and found a string of texts with a (married with kids) female friend of his at work. It's all quite friendly, jokey but its 10+ a day and often the first thing he does in the morning and last at night. Sometimes there is a compliment about how she looked today (but nothing explicitly over the line). She's more flirty in the messaging than he is with her. The thing that's worrying me is he never mentions any of these chats with her to me and never talks about her.

What do I do? I should not have gone through his texts. I can understand how this might have started when we were struggling so much and I may be reading too much in to them. I also feel worried that if I make a big deal it will destroy the work I'm doing to try and be better myself with him and I should try and win his attention back honestly. I also worry that doing nothing will allow it to escalate in to an EA. Help!

It is already an EA. I think that you need to sit down with him and talk everything over. I don't think there's any other option OP.

I worry he’ll accept it, say he’ll stop and then just make sure he hides it better! I know that’s not a sustainable trust position. Should I wait for something more like a clear sign of affection?

I have been in this situation I complained I was uncomfortable with the level of contact and asked him to tone it down. He then just started to delete any messages between them and hid it contacting her went I was out or he was at work. So not sure on the answer but hope it works out better for u than it has been for me we are still together but it has been a bumpy ride and he’s done a lot of damage to our relationship in the process

This is a saying I always hold valuable - "paint me the picture, the whole, ugly honest picture". It is key in a relationship to be able to do that.

Love goes hand in hand with truth. Deception and love are opposites. You are in a relationship that you want to work, so this needs to be built on the foundation of love (love and truth go hand in hand). He has not painted a whole truthful picture for you, he has left you in the grey about these messages for a reason. Now you need to bring the truth to light, you need to confess that you looked through his phone (again if you truly love him, give him truth, give him the full picture) and now you need to ask for a discussion about it and a discussion about your relationship. What he's doing does will only break the relationship down further, he is not being open.

Thank you guys. It’s really scary. We’ve been getting on loads better over last few months so this feels like it might tear it all back down. Thanks for the support.

OP - you said you want to work.. does HE want to make it work? has he let you know his level of commitment to you? are you guys married? Are you worried he's going to leave you? You don't sound as though he's made you feel very secure or maybe I'm misreading your concern.