We're having our 1st baby & I think we're breaking up?

[newmam37]

Hi

First post. Don't know where to start. Please know that my husband works hard 6 days a week & I love him dearly. But his temper is dragging me down & he thinks I'm jealous, possessive & controlling (& I'm driving away his friends). I think we're falling & need advice to save us & our baby.

I'm 37 with my 1st child due in March next year & I married my husband (let's call him Tom) September last year. He was busting to start a family, but so far he's not seemed to care and his mood swings & shouting has either got worse or my willingness to put up with them have decreased because I'm now thinking about the child I'm bringing into this environment.

We've been together for 4 years and he smoked weed when we met. I also found out a few months later that he does some cocaine but only when he goes out.

I never did either because weed doesn't agree with me and I didn't fancy paying top dollar to sniff it up my nose. However, I've been around it for years and it never bothered me. My dad was a violent drunk & that's a legal drug, so I don't judge until it has a negative impact.

He has 2 kids with 2 women, one I knew about, another I found out about after we got engaged & moved in together after finding a letter in the bin! We don't have contact with either - one was because of a bitter ex and the other because he's never had anything to do with him anyway and I was so rocked by the secret that I wasn't happy about inviting him into our lives.

A couple of years ago, I tried coke for the first time with him and I liked it. It gave me confidence, energy & I could drink without getting wrecked. We started doing this once a month as a Treat. We'd stay in and have an amazing night together for £100. The monthly treat became fortnightly and then became weekly.

Even when I was overdrawn and said we couldn't afford it, Tom would either encourage me to get the money (as I did like it & couldn't face a miserable night of feeling guilty only to end up spending it after an argument and then not having a good night) or he'd shout & go on about how hard he works and how he wants some so he's going to get some & I need to get the money.

The last 3-4 months, this has grown to a £200 a week habit (of the spend that I know about). Last month I was £1700 overdrawn.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago & I've given up smoking, alcohol & coke. He always said he'd give up the coke too when I got pregnant. He hasn't so far, but the down has gone back down to £100.

However, he keeps flying off the handle & shouting at me with his big booming scary voice. Latest was last night where we arranged for me to have dinner ready for 7pm but at 6 he asked if I could transfer money so he could get a "cheeky half" but would still want dinner. At 6.30 I checked where he was so I could time dinner & he said he's leaving in 10mins. 45min later I phoned to see where he was & he didn't answer. I called again & he ignored me again. I done it again & he answered by shouting "for f's sake, give it a rest!" And when he eventually came home he read me the riot act, told me he's had enough of me controlling his life & driving his friends away?!?!!

I'm at my wits end. I love him, I don't want my marriage to fail & I don't want to be a single mother. I think he's a functioning addict but won't admit he needs help. Please help!

Everyone is perfect if you ignore their dark side...but his dark side is pretty dark, debt, drugs, ignoring his children, aggression.

Ime, If a man was going to reform and change then he would do so by age 30.He has many issues to overcome as his coping strategies are drug/alcohol/spending money. This is why it is not simple to change and a mate talking to him won't make him change.

You have got yourself with a similar man, may be not the same issues but you are yet again in a caretaker role with someone unable to maturely with life.

Don't beat yourself up, if you had a difficult childhood you are likely to be atrracted to men with issues. However you now have a choice to bring your child into a healthy or unhealthy environment.Break the cycle as this is why dysfunction exists.

Give him a "last, last" chance if you need so you know you did everything but be honest with yourself and acknowledge he has had a few chances.

The thing is, it's all very well saying 'no second chances' but you are now a parent with this man. If you do decide to split, it is possible that he might be a reasonable co-parent, i.e. turn up reliably, and reliably sober, to an prearranged plan. It seems unlikely but it is possible since he manages to hold a job down, and he should IMO have the chance to do that in the interests of your child having a relationships with their father, provided you are fairly sure you can tell whether he is on drugs or not each time.

You know him - if you think he will struggle to stay clean while looking after the child solo, I'd suggest getting legal advice soon.

Agree with PP who said that this imperfect side of him is so off the scale it’s actually terrifying to think you would consider raising a child with him. Everyone has flaws but most people are not criminals (illegal drug use) who abuse their wives, waste all their money and leave their children not even knowing anything about them. This man is not a good father. You can’t make him into one. He’s had 2 chances already and wasted them. All you will do is sit around watching him waste it a 3rd time.

I am a mum and I will tell you, the biggest mistake and regret of your life will be WASTING your energy on this man in the first precious years of your child’s life. When you should be playing with your child, you will be sitting indoors thinking about where he is. When you should be enjoying being a mother, he will ruin it for you and your child by shouting at you and letting you down. You will NEVER get those times back again. You will cry with frustration at your foolishness

All I can see here is you putting him first. Above yourself and your baby.

But what you can do is take your good salary and make yourself a lovely safe home. One where there is no shouting, drug use and abuse. One where your memories with your child (and your child’s first memories) will be calm and happy

Do not stay with this man. He is an addict and he will sell you and your baby down the river for drugs. Leave and thank Christ you knew what he was before the baby was born.

Deadbeat dad coke addict...sounds like a catch

You're having a baby with some who can't handle his finances, has an addiction and has anger issues. It's not looking good. This clearly shows why he has 2 kids with 2 previous women and isn't with either of them. You were good enough living this lifestyle before now you want him to change at the click of a finger. It's not going to happen and I hate to say but you have a difficult road ahead

If you are adamant about continuing this pregnancy, you need to end it now for the poor babies sake.

Jesus wept. He has already disregarded two children, why agree to a third?

You are going to be a single mother, no doubt about that. You will be doing this alone but that will be infinitely betterthan parenting with this man.

pressuredrip
Your language suggests you think a termination would be right for the OP. You have no right to imply this. She should be completely free.