No teamwork or compromise in our marriage

[Shinyshoe73]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I feel so alone and just need to get it out. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and married for 4. We have two children together who are 3.5 and 15 months but I am so so unhappy in our marriage. I am so torn as I’m not unhappy all the time but the majority. My partner can be very moody and often sulks over the slightest thing. He has complete control over our finances as I got into debt early on in our marriage (finances were still not shared then) and he works very much as ‘his’ and ‘mine’. He is often very disinterested in my life and if I try to tell him I feel lonely as he barely talks to me he says I’m being ridiculous. We went out today and he sulked the whole day because it was raining and then says I was miserable?? I don’t know what to do anymore I am so unhappy - I tried talking to him about it this evening and ended to getting upset and he said there was no point as I was being hysterical. I was sobbing and trying to explain my point but he just sat there watching the tv saying j was having a go as him.He’s very quick to criticise and often puts me down but disguises it as a joke. I’m often very jumpy around him, for example if I forget to unload the washing, he will sigh and swear under his breath but pretend everything is fine which puts me on edge. I feel heartbroken for my children if we seperare also because he has said it will be on me as he’s happy..I don’t know what to do or where I stand. Is it normal to question your marriage?

Help needed

When your marriage is like that it’s essential to question it. Sorry but he sounds absolutely horrible

Sulking, criticising you, controlling finances, being so shitty you feel you have to walk on eggshells, refusing to communicate with you, blackmailing you to put up with whatever he throws at you by saying he’s happy with the status quo so you have to stay no matter how miserable you are.

Your babies need a happy mum. They need healthy role models of adult relationships. They don’t need you to stay when your life is so unhappy and you’re constantly on edge.

Is there anyone you can chat to in rl for some support?

You sound so low. Life with small children is exhausting and lots of marriages take a battering. But he’s bullying you and making you so unhappy and that’s not normal or okay

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you are going through this but it is not normal and he seems emotionally abusive.

Life is too short to be spending it with someone who does not seem to care that you are unhappy! I have very nearly been caught by men like this where I have been questioning whether I had imagined it! I realise now that my gut feeling was right.

He sounds like a deeply unhappy person and he is bringing you down. I took a few days away and that really cleared my head and helped me to see the truth. Can you go and stag with friends or relatives for a few days with the children?

Wish you all the best

I don't know if he would claim that he loves you, but in my opinion loving someone is a way of behaving, not just a feeling. And his way of behaving is the opposite of loving.

No-one should have to be treated like this by anyone. Being treated like this by someone who should love you, is just awful. I can't imagine you will ever convince him that what he is doing is wrong. It doesn't sound like he would care, anyway

Thank you for your messages. He’s not like that all the time and I posted this after a particularly bad argument....He can go weeks being lovely and a great dad but when we argue he completely switches off. I got into £20000 worth of debt which he then took out a loan in his name on behalf of me to pay it off so that’s why the finances are more controlled by him. The thing that upsets me the most is his lack of interest in me - he is also very sulky. If we were to seperate what would happen with our house etc.?

Oh dear, what was he like before the debt? Not that his current behaviour is justified by your past behaviour but it could be the source of his contempt. Whatever the source, he has work through it. If he doesn’t, you have to decide if you want to spend the next x amount of years feeling like this.

The person objecting to the status quo is the person who has to make the first move, this isn’t going to resolve on its own, the balls in your court.

Currently this is a terrible relationship role model that you and your H are modelling for your children, don’t let your dysfunctional relationship be their primary relationship role model.

It sounds like that you need counselling to find a way to move forward, wether that be together or apart but the status quo benefits no one, least of all your children.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. You will never convince him that his actions towards you here are wrong and your best option going forward here is to leave.

Moodiness like he shows you is actually an example of emotional abuse. His actions here are about power and control and he wants absolute. Abusers are not horrible all the time but what you describe here is really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. In time your children will pick up on all this if they have not already done so; your eldest likely already has.

And no, he is not a good dad if he can and does treat you as the mother of his children like this. Women in poor relationships often write that comment or versions thereof when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Seek proper legal advice re the property and finances; there is potential for him to financially abuse you as well by taking total control of the money and or limiting your access to it. He clearly does not want to share.