End of the road?

[Alwaysanxiousmummy]

I’m 36, been married 12 years and have 2 DC, both primary school age. Over the last few years I’ve been feeling more and more distant from DH and dissatisfied with my marriage and like we just can’t take any more. DH is out a lot doing various sports and when he’s at home the atmosphere is tense. He clashes with dc and often doesn’t speak to me or makes me feel like he disapproves or is disappointed in whatever I’ve spent doing with the dc. We haven’t had sex for a year and there is literally no affection whatsoever. We lead pretty separate lives these days and as a result I feel pretty empty and alone when he’s here although I’m so happy when it’s just me and the dc. However, he’s a good man, provides for us and does love the dc very much. I know I’m not easy to live with and he does usually support me in any hobbies/sports that I’m interested in. I feel like I can’t live the rest of my life like this but I’d feel horribly guilty for splitting up the family and worry about the impact on the kids. Just wondered what other people in similar situations think as I’m feeling pretty lost at the moment. Thanks

Your user name alwaysanxious - says it all and I'd try reconnecting with your husband before you do anything else. Talk to him. Tell him you're ready to call time on the relationship the way things are. He probably hasn't a clue that this is how you're feeling.
Counselling is worth a try too. Check out what's available for couples counselling in your area.

I'd talk to him and see if he feels the same.

But ultimately if you prefer it when he's not there, there is no shame in walking away from a relationship that makes you unhappy.

I agree with above poster. & Just bringing up the subject of counselling with your husband and watching his reaction will give you insight into whether he wants to give it a go and save your marriage. It's a two way street and even if you want to change things for the better, he needs to as well. Once your in counceling you will feel so much better, even if it turns out to be the end of the road, you'll at least get closure. I have had a rough marriage for a ye a year too, counselling helped a lot and we are giving it a go, but I feel your pain and I hope you find a way forward. You both love your children and that it all that matters; remember that, should you decide to separate. Good luck xx

What do you get out of this relationship now in terms of your own needs being met?. What is in this for you?.

He can still love his children when you and he are not together any more. Staying primarily for the sake of the children (because that is what you are implying here) is rarely if ever a good idea because it teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie and its a heavy burden to place upon them.

Do either of you really think your children do not notice the unspoken antipathy between your H and you?. Your marriage sounds utterly miserable for both of you. They can and do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here and they do notice that you and their dad live separate lives, see your unhappiness and that you show each other no affection. You cannot hide that from them, neither of you can do that.

Your children would be far more impacted by the two of you showing them your loveless marriage. Do you want that to become their "norm" too?. What do you want to teach them about relationships, surely not this model of one?. If they were to find out that you stayed because of them (and they will) they will simply call you daft for doing so. They are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him and could well wonder of you why you put him before them. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Your children cannot and should not be used as glue here to bind you and he together.

Thank you for the replies. We have spoken about it before so he has an idea of how I feel. His suggestion was to move out and leave us to it but then decided he didn’t actually want to do that. He seems to be going for the head in the sand approach which is difficult. It feels like we don’t know how to talk any more even about the every day things. Ultimately I love him as the father of my children but don’t think I feel like a wife should feel about her husband. But ending it seems like a drastic step. Perhaps counselling would be an idea, I’m just frightened of having the conversation with him.

How is he a good man exactly?. Ok so he provides for you all but how else is he a good man exactly?. He seems to spend most of his time out playing sports and when he is at home the atmosphere is tense and he clashes with his children.

If he refuses to go to counselling (which he may well do) I would go on your own.

If you are frightened of having the conversation with him then you need to think about why that is. Are you afraid of his reactions here?. He did not move out because he did not want to and so you let him stay?.

Adopting the head in the sand approach helps no-one. It will not help you either.

I think counselling is a must to get you to at least discuss the issues to see if your relationship can get back on track. I'm not sure you'll get much more useful advice on here as I already sense so low level vilification of your DH on here that'll draw the LTB in.