I’ve set up a new account for this (couldn’t figure out how to name change in the app!). I’ve tried to keep things brief but it’s really bloody long. Would really appreciate advise from anyone who can persevere with it though.
To be honest my childhood was dysfunctional to say the least and I don’t feel like I know what a good relationship looks like. I feel like things aren’t great, and if I’m honest I just don’t know if we will last long term but they aren’t awful either (and no abuse). My father and DM broke up when I was 2, I can’t ever remember them being together but he is a disturbed man who was emotionally and physically abusive to me and I stopped seeing him at 16. My DM was brilliant in many ways but had her own childhood issues (and has had therapy for these) and wasn’t great at picking men when she was younger. She is in a good marriage now but they met in the 40’s. The man she was with from me being age 4-13 was very controlling and emotionally abusive and physically aggressive on occasion too. So in a nutshell I know my marriage isn’t like that, but I’m not sure it’s right either.
We have been together 5 years, married for 3. First year was great, second year lots of life stressors which affected us and things not so great, I worried about our comparability long term however I unexpectedly found myself pregnant. We decided we really wanted the baby, which might seem daft as things hadn’t been so great, but a lot of it was external pressure we couldn’t control which I felt would test any relationship. Sadly our baby was stillborn. After this we both felt desperate to have another baby and tried again as soon as we could. We got engaged and married within 6 months. I felt so close to him due to our loss and our shared grief.
We now have a 2 year old DD. I feel we have slipped into a situation where we both feel resentful of each other and have a underlying dislike sometimes, which is obviously shit but I don’t know if it’s bad enough to end our marriage, especially as we have a child together. However I worry about the negative impact it has on her too, and I really don’t want her childhood to damage her, I don’t want her to grown up with the same issues and terrible emotional coping skills I have.
I think I feel resentful because I work long hours (student nurse, uni is 1.5hr commute away and although placements are local I’m required to work 37hrs a week when I’m on placement) therefore I have a really full on schedule of long days or uni and placements and juggling assignments and exams. However I only have 1 year left. DH works full time - about 45 hrs a week which can’t be reduced at present as we need the money. So we both have a lot on. He takes two days off in week and looks after dd and I have weekend with her to reduce childcare costs, therefore we only have days off together when I’m on holiday from uni (about 12 weeks a year) and I’ll often have to do assignments then. We are also doing up our house which takes up the little free time we have in the eve when it does come up. This is obviously a stressful work situation for us and we’ve been doing it for 18 months now. However I can’t quit this far in, although I consider it weekly.
I’m not the easiest to live with, in that I’m stressed and can be snappy. However I feel I do more around the house (all the house work, food shopping and cooking) and help with the house renovation work as and when needed. We’ve argued about this extensively and I’ve actually just given up now as it feels a waste of energy. However I’m resentful of it.
He is fed up because he feels like I’m snappy and act like I don’t like him. I feel the same, about him to me. We bicker a bit when we do spend time together and things come to a head every few months and we row, then declare our love and promise to draw a line under past resentments.
I feel like he speaks to me rudely sometimes, and this can be in front of friends and family and is embarrassing. I feel we are on different pages entirely emotionally and he cannot ever really provide me with emotional support and tends to say the wrong thing and make me more upset. He always wants to be right and finds it hard to ever accept fault or responsibility for his wrong doing. He has suggested counselling in the past for us however we don’t plausibly have the time or money and I feel like he wouldn’t want to work on our issues as much as have some one ‘judge’ the situation and confirm he’s right and I’m wrong. Which I truly believe he thinks. He also blames stuff when we argue on my childhood affecting my perception or says I’m depressed or I need therapy.
He does have a lot is positives too, and I have many faults myself. When we get on we can have a real laugh and I have times when I feel we’re very in tune. It’s just this isn’t how I imagined it to be, and I find myself avoiding him at present. I’m trying to focus on the positives of him and his character and accept his limitations. I’m also aware we are in a very stressful situation at present which will be over next summer. So I feel like it’s only fair to give it a decent chance then once the dust has settled.
However my big concern is whether this is having a detrimental impact on DD and what I need to do about that.