Upset over my mother's lack of acceptance of me - LGBT

[4173bg]

I'm 34 so should really not care, but I tried coming out to my mother as bisexual and polyamorous last week, and she was horrible to me. Completely intolerant and just starting attacking my whole being - not my choices, just me for being 'not normal'. Telling me over an over again that she doesn't know what is wrong with me.

I know she's just ignorant and has a very narrow world view, but I wish she could just be happy that I am happy.

I know polyamory doesn't necessarily have a good reputation on these boards, but it works for me. It's the relationship style that works for me individually - it doesn't mean I don't think monogamy is also a good thing too (obviously I am getting a little defensive, possible without needing to).

I didn't choose to be bisexual, it's not "a phase" and I am not "trying to be different" No one wants to be something that parts of society have trouble tolerating and has a load of misconceptions about - it's draining!

I feel upset and rejected and I found her to be aggressive and just horrible, but apparently only because she loves me. She has reacted like this whenever I have done anything remotely not as she expects of "her daughter", which has lead to me just hiding who I am around her over the years. I was sick of not being myself, so I just told her, even though I knew it would be awful

I know I shouldn't care, but I am really struggling to detach right now.

You might need to take on board this thread and your mother's reaction and decide if you are able to deal with this long term and how much you are prepared to share about your relationship in the future. It's not fair though

Sorry OP. It always hurts to be rejected by parents. I didn't mean to be unsympathetic, but from your OP it wasn't clear why you had to reveal so much, so quickly.

To a pp, regarding what I did/ did not disclose to my parents. I suppose I let them 'find out' without ever dislosing anything openly. Let them come to terms with things (eg. For my mum me having sex before marriage was a big thing. I never made an announcement!). If I'd been the OP, I'd have let my mum find out by other means. She may have been just as vile. On the other hand, it may have given her time to absorb it, or talk about it with friends/ family who could calm her down. I think the OP got the eye of the storm. Mum may accept over time, or never accept, but expecting that first off was v unlikely to happen.

I think it is a case of never refer to it again unless absolutely necessary. But my parents visit so they'll meet her (though currently refusing to), and if I have children I would prefer for them to know their grandparents.

I didn't expect anything different I just think I expected myself to be able to handle it better.

OP I really don't think anyone was trying to be unsympathetic, so please don't feel bad especially after what you have been through with your mum. I think in any cases where we disclose parts of our lives to parents that they may feel uncomfortable with, the onus is on us to know why we are doing it, what we want to achieve and how we are prepared to deal with a potential relationship breakdown. You are the only one that knows your mum and what she is like. So I would advise you to safeguard yourself as best you can as a mum's disapproval can be heartbreaking. As I said, in life you can never control people's behaviour only your reaction. All the best.

Don't just focus on this part of your relationship with your mother.
If she has generally been a good mother then cut her some slack -it's difficult for her ,different values, different education has given her a different view of the world .
If she has been a bad mother ,she probably doesn't deserve a bit of patience and understanding from you

OP you didn't deserve that at all. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

it's difficult for her ,different values, different education has given her a different view of the world I take your point but with all due respect, most of us are educated into homophobia, and many of us manage to employ some logic and eventually reject it. Coddling members of a certain generation and exempting them from the rules the rest of us have to play by is insulting to them as well.
I remember very clearly being aware from at least 4 y.o. that women shouldn't be with other women, so had clearly absorbed the message well from birth, and yet was never tempted to be as abominably rude and unfeeling to anyone as the OP's mum was to her!

I think at the point she said, "I bet you're fucking bisexual or something" I would've stopped the conversation. You were clearly on a hiding to nothing.

Having said that people do tend to struggle with someone who tells them they are happy if their partner sleeps with someone else, and I believe it's harder for bisexuals to find acceptance than lesbians.

OP, i came out as a lesbian to my mum when i was in my teens. I wasn't expecting approval... not even acceptance, just respect. If she can't at least be civil and stop ofending you, than that is just plain rude and disrespectful. If she doesn't approve your choices and orientation, if she thinks it's wrong or imoral (not sure what are her reasons) it doesn't give her the right to treat you badly.

I know a few people find my being lesbian is a sin or disgusting. It doesn't make me happy but it doesn't bother me that much. What bothers me is when people say nasty things, take away my rights, mistreat me, etc. If i were in your shoes i'd try to get to a point where my mum and I would agree to disagree in order to still be able to have some sort of a relationship. It might not be a close one, but it would still be something. If she couldn't keep herself from making such negative comments and keep quiet and be polite, i'd probably stop making an effort with her tbh. She doesn't have to like it, but she must treat you with respect.

That's a very good point tropics. The boundary needs to be based on whether she is respectful towards you or not.

I would say she hasn't been respecful. She has continued to send barbed messages to tell me she feels sick and hurt. It feels a lot like she is making it about her and I just feel beaten down and tired now.

I'm sorry it's been such a painful experience for you OP.

Do you have your own created family around you now for support?

Yes I do. And luckily my siblings are being supportive too.

Look here, I m an old foggy like your dm. The different and diverse labels for private relationships confuse us..our dc accept it all and EVENTUALLY so do we. It has always been there but now it’s in the open. So stick with it. No apologies or back peddling. You are who you are. And you are your md.
Let me tell you you’re confidence will rub off on her. But don’t confuse her with to much details or labels. Us old foggies understand the basics of not being heterosexual but we can’t be doing with all the complex labelling.. tmi.
But we do not want to lose our children and they live in a different world to the one we grew up in.. the majority of us foggies work it out for our selves ——— given time and space.
Your dm will be struggling to work it out. Give her time. Don’t back pedal, you are who you are. Stand firm.
If, eventually, you’re dm can’t accept her dd for who she is then she’s the loser not you.
For others reading this I’m an old foggy living in extremely rural farming community were church/chapel still rule . Dispite what the world would like to convey the W orst sin is to turn your back on family no mater what their sexual connotation is.. No mater what has happened, family is family.. And to those young people reading this I would say love them and stand firm. You are who you are.
If, are the end of the day, they can’t accent your choices so be it. You’ve done your best. Stand firm. I wish you all the best.
X xxxxx

I'm poly and bi.
Well I was poly, new dp isn't but I understand the draining thing. My family were very accepting but it was still hard explaining things over and over

I haven't even been in a position to have the chance to explain it yet.

I have a lot of being told how upset I am making people....it feels like it is becoming alot about how she is feeling...

Never heard of polyamory so googled it. Glad I did - won't get confused with Polyfilla and polygrip if it comes up in conversation!

percheron67

So you came out as bi with a gf who also has another gf.

She hasn’t reacted well but her little head likely imploded with all that at once even more so if you mentioned possible children.

I can’t say I’d be 100% happy if my child came home saying they where dating cindy, but cindy has a gf called barb and does barb also have another gf/bf? I’d be worried about their health. But I wouldn’t say anything About it I would keep my mouth shut apart from inviting cindy for dinner one day asking her favourite meal.

Sounds like you’ve never been good enough for her though which is tough going I’d just leave her to sit on it.