Nasty court battle with ex

[singlemominaus]

Not sure if this is the right board or what I'm looking for from this. But I'm going to throw it out there and just hope someone responds.

I am 34 and have a teenage daughter from a previous relationship. My ex and I had our first DC in oct 2016 and I suffered from post natal depression with both previous pregnancies. My ex drank heavily during this post partum time & acted like a single man. We separated shortly after our DCs first birthday in 2017. One week later I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. Unbeknownst to me, he had already met a 22 year old french student who he is still currently with, which he lied about for months. I've just given birth to our beautiful second DC.

I have tried long and hard for the past 9 months to get mediation and settlement sorted before the birth of my DC to no avail. I've provided all the documents my ex has requested and facilitated child visitation every week since separation. As I'm ASAHM my ex has constantly used money to control me. Blocked me from our business bank accounts, blocked me from our credit card, providing minimal child support, trying to sell my car, Not disclosing finances so I can't avail of government financial assistance. You name it he's done it: as a result I've issued court proceedings against him so I can get some more money to support the kids. It's recently come to my attention that he will be using a past suicide attempt I made 14 years ago when I was 20 against me in court. I hadn't thought about being nasty towards him in proceedings and was just looking forward to closure.

My question is how did you get through the court process when your ex dragged your name through the dirt? I've never told anyone bar my family about my suicide attempt and I feel so deceived, my confidence broken and humiliated that he will be making this public knowledge. I've taken loads of steps to make sure my mental health is good and I'm constantly working on it and feel I'm in a good place mentally but I'm scared a judge might think I'm not able to look after my kids now. Has anyone else been through this and taken the high road? I've already told my lawyers I don't want to be nasty in proceedings there is nothing to gain from it, but this news from his lawyers has really upset me.

It was 14 years ago and unless you have walked that same path since it is irrelevant, he is trying to scare you. As for it being public, err court documents are private especially in the family court you have nothing to worry about. He's trying to rattle you. Go and get some sleep, he can't touch you and professionals in the courts can spot an arse at 100 paces trust me.

So sorry OP your ex is such a low life. My ex tried to use my PND against me during our divorce, citing my mental health in interviews with Cafcass. It didn't get anywhere in court - judge didn't take the bait.

It's very hard and frightening to be on the receiving end of this kind of maliciousness. Keep your cool - it's bullshit and won't get him anywhere.

And you don't have to stoop so low either. Just keep your head down and plough on through the divorce process. Try to have good, loyal friends and family around you to support you. You will get through this and be so much better on the other side

Get everything documented. All of his financial abuse attempts. Every mean thing he has done. Also, if it was me, I’d sign up to a good therapist weekly ASAP so you can say and show signs of staying fit mentally. Also do a baby first aid course, parenting course and sign up as a volunteer for a mental health charity. I’d personally also pay to be assessed by whoever the top psychologist is in Harley Street with regards to suicidal risk so that evidence can be presented in court on your behalf. Is there anything like that in his past? I’d also have a think about bringing up his girlfriend as a concern. Incredibly young and from a different country and a student...not exactly stable parenting influence. I think you are noble to not want to fight dirty but you need to give your solicitor the facts and allow them to fight against this man. The fact that this has been mentioned shows how low he is willing to go. Custody of your kids is at risk here so you don’t have to be mean but the judge can only assess based on the info put in front of him/her. If it was me, I would insist on the alcohol consumption being focused on. That’s not playing dirty. That’s being a responsible parent, ensuring your babies don’t go to an alcoholic. His drinking during your pregnancy is a huge concern and the judge needs to know about that.

@Cawfee I've been seeing a peri natal psychologist all pregnancy & been assessed by two psychiatrists prior too and after birth. All 3 have said I've taken every healthy step to ensuring the stress of the separation doesn't impact pre or postnatally. I'm also on anti anxiety medication which has meant I've handled this pregnancy (despite it being a total shit storm with my ex) far better than any other pregnancy. I hired a post natal midwife for extra support post natally too. Breastfeeding is going really well. I volunteer every week for a community cook out which I love.

I don't want to bring the girlfriend into it as she's irrelevant to proceedings although I think she has no idea what's really going on or that I'm painted as the evil ex etc.

I don't know I just want all the drama to stop. He's moved on and is happy. I can't understand why he can't just let us do the same and finalise settlement and then we are done? Why is he dragging it on and on and on

Why does he think that bringing that up is going to discredit you in any way? What an arse. The court will see through his silly games so try not to worry. Be honest about his behaviours and how he has hidden money since he left. You're doing the right thing

@twilightsaga he is just the type of guy who comes across as really lovely and normal (so I'm scared the judge will see this side of him) His manipulation of money has been subtle and ongoing but he has an excuse for absolutely everything & it makes me look like I'm crazy.

My ex got one of my so called friends (13 years! When he took me for the kids. Longer than ive known him!) to write a statememt full of lies about me being suicidal all the time, financially abusive, a drug abuser.

I didnt read all of it but my ex realised he wasnt as confident in front of a judge and quickly took my proposals once i pointes out one or two things to the judge and the judge wasnt too pleases with him.

Its really common tbh and it never helps. Courts arent interested in mud slinging. Fwiw i have been suicidal and made two attempts in 15 months. Still didnt effect my kids. Social services have no concerns. Me and ex now co parent as he realised it was easier to work with me than against me.

He is making his own like difficult aswell, if that helps.

@Anon90 omg thank you so much for sharing your story. It feels good not to be alone in this situation and I'm so glad to hear you overcame it all

I have said to my ex on numerous occasions it would have made his life a million times easier to reach a settlement months ago rather than now but he doesn't realise how much more money being a dick has cost him. The girlfriend has come first every step of the way and providing disclosure documents has just been way down his list of priorities. He hasn't even provided extra child support for our newborn.

I'm thinking for my court affidavit I'm going to kill him with kindness & not be dragged into mud slinging match!

I'm not sure has anyone got what they want out of a divorce through taking the high road?

Are you married and are the proceedings for finances, not child contact?

If so your past will have no bearing at all. He can mention it but it won't be taken into consideration as finances are about the numbers and your realistic ability to work whilst caring for 2 young dc.

Should say dragging up your past is used to rattle you and them telling you takes some of the sting out of it as you won't be surprised. I think he is using it to try to force you to settle by being too afraid to go to court. Suggest he thinks he will lose!

Also are his solicitors members of Resolution as they have a code to follow which is to not inflame situations, however it didn't bother Ex's although my solicitor wrote stating that they were operating against the code and it did reign them in for a little.
Reality is some solicitors will do whatever to placate their client and bill more time.
Ex's solicitor sent me a letter to threaten to apply for residency of dc on the eve of my surgery for serious health issues, which he and they were well aware of. Residency had never been disputed before so it was just done to put me under even more stress and get me to back down before court.

I wish I could say that their behaviour is not rewarded but unless it goes to full trial the judge will only glance through paperwork and at FDR his focus will be the numbers and working out what is reasonable.

I was actually disappointed at the judges diligence, felt he rolled out a boilerplate settlement which he delivered in a few minutes. Both Ex and I had spent thousands in solicitors fees (as we were told it was necessary) to amass information that was subsequently mostly ignored.

He has warned you he will fight dirty so you can mentally prepare and it shows that he has no moral compass. New gf is welcome to him.

Suicide attempts are unfortunately very common, and they’re more common in young people and women so you’re not really that unusual. If a previous suicide attempt (15 years ago!!!) made you an unfit mother then a not insignificant number of the population would be right there with you, me included. Mental health issues are difficult to deal with but NOT shameful, despite what much of society still believes. Your husband’s behaviour speaks for itself really.

By the way you sound totally on top of looking after your mental health and even if a long-ago suicide attempt WAS relevant (it isn’t), your recent history would show that there is no cause for concern.

I’m so sorry that you’re in this position, with someone you trusted so much being so horrible to you

@lifebegins50 not married, were a defacto couple for 5 years & have two kids together. Court is so we can divide our assets ( he tried to get me to sign over my shares for zero value the week I was due to give birth) and also to hoping to relocate back to Europe. We currently live down under. Ex travels back regularly normally 2-3 times a year for 6 weeks. His original goal is to move back with us, but not sure what OW wants. She is young and Australia is a backpackers dream.

@FlatPackFurnitureCompAnyone shameful is the right word! That's exactly how I feel about it...so full of shame. It was such a stupid thing to do and I regret it so much. It's been a long journey but I've come to realise mental fitness is as important as physical fitness! I love my life and kids too much to ever let myself get into that headspace again.