Boundaries

[WhyDelilah18]

I know this is probably a no-brainer for people with good boundaries, but I often feel mine are encroached on by people asking questions I don’t want to answer or talking about things I don’t want to talk about. It usually happens quite quickly and it’s not until later I feel bad. Or, telling me secrets about themselves that I feel burdened by.

It’s only recently I’ve come across boundaries being a ‘thing’ at all so still figuring them out.

How do you manage this without the conversation getting weird? I think it’s people pleaser tendencies that mean I often answer questions etc or don’t speak up.

What are your top tips?

I was having this conversation with a couple of girlfriends last night and was around spotting red flags as well as boundaries.
We have all have experience of manipulative, controlling and abusive LTR's. Out of them now and prefer to remain single but still date.
However when dating the radar is on, probably more so than is normal. The consensus was that the odd slip is okay, but if it appears to be constant then its a no go.
The overriding feeling is one of cringe or uncomfortable, so go with gut feeling.
Obviously we have had experience of the ways in which the narcissistic mind works.
So to try and put it simply if you are made to feel uncomfortable, because they are being disrespectful then say so. 'I've only just met you and feel uncomfortable talking about that ' or simply 'I have boundaries and you are crossing them'
We have also got stronger on the getting rid of those that do cross the line. Sometimes this has to be blunt, but bluntness is effective.
Respect yourself at all times. If they are not worthy of your friendship then walk away.

I found that it took a long time between me retrospectively noticing something was wrong, to gradually being able to know at the time that the conversation wasn't OK for me. So I think it helps to be patient and to celebrate each time you do notice.

The other thing that helped me was to practice a few key phrases that I could use when I did notice I was uncomfortable. Practicing meant that it was easier to speak, even when I felt anxious. A big one for me is being invited to things I don't want to go to, so I'd practice saying 'Thank you so much for inviting me, but I don't enjoy parties so I won't come'.

I also promised myself I would never apologise for maintaining my boundaries, even if other people felt uncomfortable.

Good luck!

That’s useful! Interesting link with red flags, as the questions are all about my history, relationships etc. It’s so intense. I used to think it was a good sign as showed interest but after a particularly gruelling line of questioning about why my marriage broke down I’m starting to wonder