am I horrible to feel this way?

[Toysonthefloor]

I don't know why I'm writing, but I'm hoping for some advice. I'm married (10 years) with 2dc (7 and 5). I know I should be grateful as my dh is kind and could never really be faulted for anything (tidies up, goes to shop etc) so I don't know why I this way. We don't really have any time together as the children are always up very late so we end up all going to bed together. We never talk or have any shared interests. He always tries to do or think what he thinks I want but I find it infuriating as I never know what he actually thinks about anything as I feel he's always trying to second guess what he thinks I want him to say. He's compliant and I think emulates his father who always just gave in (eye rolling) to his very dominant mother. But I'm not like this at all and feel almost afraid that someone doesn't give me any ideas to bounce off. He is very clever and says he doesn't see the point of having a conversation when both people have the same opinion as it's just pointless agreeing with each other - but yet he hates conflict - so I find it hard to know how to pitch conversation. He has a couple of things he does like doing but makes no secret that most other things we do with the children are boring time filling and necessary. For example, on holiday he will never complain (unlike me) but will never fully engage - so will stand in full walking shoes on the beach not going anywhere near the sea, or whatever. I feel sad as I am a bit more extreme about things - I do moan / panic / cry etc but also like to throw myself into things more. Unfortunately of the two things he likes, one is a solitary pursuit (I'm not interested in it anyway) and the other is based around something I struggle to participate in due to my own anxiety - although I could do and watch, but I understand this might make me look a bit weird and he might not like this. I'm not sure the point of all this, but I guess if anyone has the time to spare me a line. Do you think I'm a horrible person for picking fault (I often feel like this for thinking these things)? And, is there any advice, either for me to become less horrible or for us to become closer, or do you think we're too different?

Why are your dc up so late at those ages?

I can't see any problems here, no DV, nothing unpleasant. Seems that on the one hand you are very similar ( what is there to talk about if you both feel the same?) but on the other hand you say you are too different. We are all different. I think you need to develop some interests and friends of your own, so that you do have something to talk about

I'd get the dc to bed earlier, so you can spend evenings together as adults.

Id agree, why are your kids up so late.

And are you sure you're not like his dominant mother?

Send the kids to bed earlier then you will have time with your husband.

What was it that attracted you to each other in the first place, given what you've said about not talking and not sharing any interests? There must have been something.

Agree with the other posts about the kids needing to be in bed earlier - for their benefit and yours.

I think I know where you’re coming from; and my children go to bed early, so I don’t see that as the root cause of all your problems.

My husband is lovely, kind, does a decent share of the childcare and housework...I’m told how lucky I am to have him. He is the stabilising influence to my emotional extremes.

We have never had an argument because he would shut down completely. I grew up with 3 siblings and arguements were the non-threatening norm. Now my only option is to bottle things up, but can’t always keep it in, meaning from time to time I come across as a passive-aggressive shrew, and subsequently hate myself.

He cycles, which is his passion, and although I do too we never go out together as I half kill myself to keep up with what he considers to be a slow dawdle. Our summer holiday is one the kids will love, but it will be me having a fantastic time with them, throwing myself into the stuff they love while he is there on sufferance, only really having fun when he’s off on his bike in the mountains. When we go on family walks he strides ahead, while the kids and I walk behind, chatting and tree climbing and cloud spotting. And the children are just teenagers now, so it’s not like having to entertain toddlers.

So yeah, I think I know how you feel, I’ve been unhappy for years, but ‘never having arguements and failure to enjoy himself on the beach’ doesn’t really give grounds to break up a marriage, so we plod on. Sorry, not much help to you.

He sounds very passive and apathetic which can be infuriating.

Has he always been this way?

I think that when you have dc you should try everything possible to get a marriage back on track before the gulf is unbridgeable.

Have you talked to him properly about how you feel? I have friends in similar situations who had a lot of success reconnecting with the help of couples counselling.

None of what you describe sounds broken beyond repair. Parts of his personality rub you up the wrong way, and he probably feels the same about you. You don't spend enough time together, are too focused on other things (hobbies, dc) and are gradually growing apart. It's good that you've noticed this now, while you can still like and value him as a person, but owe it to him to have an honest discussion.

Meh, I'm in the "life's too short to be unhappy" camp. I left my husband when DS was young and never felt so free and happy. DS is happy too.

You don't have to live life being a martyr.

If you really want to get your marriage on track then definitely go for it. Talk to him about how you feel and would you both consider counselling?

But don't think you have to "stay for the children" or just because there's no DV or cheating. Being unhappy IS a perfectly OK reason to leave imo.