Long post ahead, but I would appreciate some insight from this predominately female community. I would appreciate it if we could all remain positive, respectful and avoid any vitriolic posts, please even if your life is not the way mine is or you find it not the way life should be. Long story but it turns out I have a disability so please read to the end before any judgemental responses.
I have changed my nickname on here, and I am only using it for this post, so please excuse that, but I need to remain anonymous. I have friends and family that regularly use this website.
I am married and have been so for nearly two decades. I live somewhere in the UK. I was married to someone before my current wife in my 20's. I am now 52.
I met my first wife when she was a teenager. One day she went away on business and had a one night stand. She came back and told me. I was upset, but we talked and agreed to open our marriage. For a while, it worked well. I loved the freedom of it. However, it became too hurtful for me because she was sleeping with 3 or 4 different men a week and I hated that. Reflecting on it our communication was not excellent, and we drifted too far apart. Illegal substances became a feature of what was going on, It was all a bit wild, loads of adrenaline junkie sports and it all got too much. So we split and divorced. I would describe the marriage as like a fireworks rocket that shot off into space, went bang, had a pretty display and fizzled out. There were no kids so splitting up was easy.
About six months later I met my wife-to-be. It was all a bit shotgun, and we moved in quite quickly with each other. What attracted me to her, was stability after all of the craziness I had experienced. Unfortunately, I was still struggling with drugs and trying to stop. It was something I was open about right from the start, but I hid some pills in her house. My wife-to-be found them. She went nuts as she was so against anything illegal and was pretty mad about me hiding them in her home even though we both lived there. So that seemed to set up mistrust right back then. She started reading my text messages and made me change my phone number, especially as a woman was calling me even though my relationship with her was platonic. She read my emails and started monitoring me. She felt that she had a right to read everything and needed to know everything.
She did help me get off of the drugs, and I have been drug-free for a very long time. I would not touch that again. She was a very stabilising influence. I promised that I would remain faithful to her and be monogamous at the start as she knew that previously I was in an open marriage. She managed to convince me that anything other than monogamy was for weirdos and not "normal" people. She told me that I was not normal in the past and I needed to be normal. She set a standard to which I have always tried to strive.
We got married in a church. To this day she is resentful of our wedding as she says that the way it happened, the colours and all of that were not her choices. I don't remember it being like that. But I do remember the vows including all of the richer and poorer, sickness and in health, forgoing all others and so forth.
There have been lots of times when things have been lovely, and I can look back at all of our photos and reflect on that. But there have been lots of times that things have not been good. The constant checking on me, where I am at, who I am with, reading my email and text messages, for example, have been awful. I have had to avoid ambiguous situations but here is an example of how she thinks - I dropped a friend at a station on the way back from work and it happened to be opposite a gentleman's club - she was watching me on find friends and when I got home I got a mouthful about going to a gentleman's club on the way home and she didn't believe the truth I was telling her - just called me a liar. But in truth, I am no saint, and there have been times where I know I could have done better in our marriage and there are things I have said and done things that I regret. But I am human and I make mistakes in life. I can fly off the handle when provoked, and I have had to learn to get a grip on my anger, but I have never hit my wife. I have shoved her out of the way when she has been shouting in my face and I have had red mist shouting matches but I have that all under control. I have lied to her about things sometimes, such as if I went to lunch with a female colleague which she considered to be wrong, and then found out to be lying. She says this makes her think I am always lying. There have been things like she found a DVD porno of me with someone else from before the relationship I found in my stuff near the start of our marriage (I had forgotten about it). Once I found it I threw it in the bin and she fished it out to see what it was. It caused a terrible row and she went nuts. I know those things have been hurtful to my wife, but I also feel that she gets so easily angered and upset. She also holds grudges, finds forgiveness hard and brings up stuff from years ago in arguments which she says all women do.
A couple of times she has lost it and sent abusive emails to people such as once to a female colleague who I worked with after she read a work email that she misinterpreted to be something it was not. It nearly cost me my job. She sent very private personal information to my family members. She has warned off my platonic female friends with abusive messages on social media so I have lost friends.
She says that I have belittled her in front of people and she gives an example of when I complimented a woman once on her brightly coloured red hair in front of her on holiday. She holds a grudge about that, and it comes up some 15 years later in arguments. But also at home, she says to me a lot that I am not normal. She says to me that I am not fit to be a dad since I set a bad example such as always lying.
We have two SN kids that are still young. I think they need me and I think would suffer if I was not around. I want to set an example of how marriages work and I hope they will have an independent life as adults.
So to be totally clear, I have never been unfaithful in so far as I have never had sex with another woman (and I am not talking about the Clinton cop out). I did mess about on tinder, and she caught me. But it was online stuff, and it was out of frustration because I felt ignored. It is rare that I am away from home and I did do something else stupid when I was away last year. I went out with a male friend in a town some 200 miles away, on the beers. I did wonder if I might get lucky. I bought some condoms from the shops and left them back at the hotel. So I did plan for the possibility of a one night stand. The intent was there I know, but I got so pissed with my mate I stumbled back to the hotel alone. Of course, my bags and phone got searched when I got home. I put a poly bag of rubbish from the car in the bin, and she fished it out to examine it, found a receipt and saw it had condoms on it. All hell broke loose, and since then we have been hanging on a thread with her just calling a truce for the kids. I honestly did nothing, but I can't deny the intent was there.
So it turns out that I am not "normal". I have ADHD, but I did not know that until a few years ago. I am starting to embrace that I am not "normal" with all of its ups and downs. One area that is challenging is sex and intimacy. ADHD with me has always caused hypersexuality, so I have an unusually high sex drive, and it has not wained much over my life. ADHD explains my substance abuse and my crazy first marriage and also my problems with anger. The thing about this and sexuality is that the ADHD brain craves novelty. So different sexual positions, locations, and techniques are needed to decrease boredom in the bedroom. I need it spiced up, and I want it several times a week to be satiated. My wife is happy with having sex almost never, like three times a year. It has been a long time since I have had sex, around 12 months, and this is mostly a sexless marriage now. In the last two years, we have had sex just a handfuk of times, and it has been purely in the bedroom missionary style. We used to be experimental and fun before the kids. She felt I pushed it a bit, but we certainly did stuff to keep me interested.
I talked to her about my needs, and her response was not very receptive. She says I have hurt her too much and I repulse her. She can't let go of the tinder and the condoms hotel event which to her is as bad as adultery. Even though I did not do anything, she says I might as well have done as it feels the same. She says she is too tired and stressed with the SN kids and doesn't ever feel in the mood. She says I do not do enough housework and that makes her feel like she is not appreciated which affects her desire. She says she doesn't care if she never has sex again. So she has become almost asexual. It doesn't bother her. She says this is normal after being married so long and I should get over it.
I asked her for an open marriage or something ethical and honest that allowed me to have sex outside of the relationship such as being allowed to have one night stands well away from the house. She went nuts and said she felt rejected and hurt. She suffers from quite extreme jealousy feelings, and it got a bit out of hand. She slapped me. I have raised it again a few times, and she still goes nuts. Her response is put up with no sex or leave and get a divorce. She says I got married for better and for worse, so it is just tough.
I proposed that she went out on a date to see if it would work for her and she did not have to do anything. She just got more nuts about that too.
We can't afford to divorce really. It would be financially ruinous for us both due to the SN kids needs. It would be destructive to the kids emotionally. I am trying to set up a business, and she does not work (she is classed as a full-time carer). Neither of us could get a mortgage right now. I think because of the kids we could not sell the house and I would be homeless unless I could afford a second house. I can't see that being a possibility for ages.
I certainly do not hate her. There are loads of excellent things about her, and it is not all negative. She is a good mum and is caring. I can still have fun with her and share a good conversation over a cocktail. She is physically attractive and I love cuddling her which she still allows sometimes.
I have lots of issues with her jealousy and stockpiling of past problems, and I asked her to go to counselling to work that through. But she refused and responded that the way she is is just like other women and it is a woman thing. She also said it is my fault for the way I have behaved over the years which she claims is emotionally abusive.
I have stopped the monitoring of my email and all of that by changing passwords and just put my foot down about that right now which has caused more resentment as she says I am hiding something (I am not). She keeps asking to see all of my messages and so forth. I hate being monitored. It is not that I am up to anything but it really is demeaning to be monitored all the time.
I want to bring up my children and not be parenting from a distance. I love my kids.
I have asked her to go to counselling. Initially, she refused, but now she is going with me later this year (we are on a waiting list). However, she says we are not to talk about open marriage, and she won't tolerate that. She will not go to counselling if we speak about that and will stop if I raise it. It's monogamy or divorce, and there is no in between. If I leave, she says I will have to support her anyway with the kids and pay the mortgafe. In reality, this means if I stay it will be a sexless marriage and my needs will never be met. Being true to myself, with ADHD, I find monogamy incredibly hard and not my natural self. I crave newness. The lack of sex is starting to impact how I feel really in my day to day life, and it is bloody hard not to go out looking for an illicit affair. I don't want to do that though. I would get found out for sure and it would be awful. I don't enjoy being dishonest or lying anyway. It is not right.
So long story and anyone who has got this far I appreciate staying with it. I would appreciate your thoughts. What would you do? Is she unreasonable? Do I spend my life being miserable and sexless? Do I leave and upset my children and end up homeless or in financial strife?
I feel like I have an impossible situation.