Why do I have wandering eyes?

[lareunion]

I’m early 20s and have been with my partner for about 3 years now. We both have very busy schedules and travel a lot for work. At the moment I’m seeing him about one long weekend a month that we both have off together. Soon I’ll be able to see him every fortnight or week. We always factime and text etc. I have very good relationship with his wider family.

He’s a gorgeous guy, so caring and lovely and we both have common goals in life. Bar the fact he doesn’t want children yet I do.

Through my work I meet lots of new interesting people, especially when I travel. I can get a fair amount of interest that I don’t say no to, but would never act on. I’ve met a few people that I click with, but left it at that. I’ve met some people that have much closer interests to myself, and would theoretically if ever, be able to see them more often.

Some of these men could promise me a very financially secure lifestyle, whereas my current partner expects me to be the main bread winner if we were to move in together in a year or so when we can.

Recently partner and I have been arguing over silly things more often, and seem to me to be growing apart. Once we spend a few days together we are very much in love etc again, yet I feel the honeymoon phase is over.

Is this natural?

How do I stop myself having wandering eyes, or is there more to play here?

I think that this relationship has really now run its course and maybe your wandering eyes are telling you something. You also hardly see each other and you are arguing more too over silly things.

You are also fundamentally incompatible on one very important issue - children. He is unlikely to change his mind here as are you. Neither of you are wrong here in your views but if you do want children it will not be with this man. You will need to find a man who does.

If you did become the main breadwinner as he expects you to do, what is he going to do?.

Why do you have to stop yourself? You're very young and you and tour partner don't sound 100% compatible. You've got to be the breadwinner? What's that all about?

Wandering eyes are a sign that something's not right. Don't get stuck in a relationship that's just ok because it's familiar. There's a LOT of life out there to live.

Surely the real issue is why would you move in with someone who doesn't want children if you do want them? I can't think of anything more important to be on the same page about in a relationship than that!

To answer your thread title, "Because you are a normal human being, not a robot who shuts down their sexual and romantic attraction module once you've said/agreed to 'So we're exclusive now, yeah?'"

As others have pointed out though, there are far more fundamental issues to address.

Because you've seen there are better prospects.

You cannot unsee this now you have seen.

End it soon before you are unfaithful. That will be worse for everyone concerned.

You're a normal human being, btw. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Thanks for your replies,I’ll give it a few more months and see.

It’s difficult knowing when something has run its course as fo me the grass is always greener on the otherside

You've got to be the breadwinner? What's that all about?

You mean like the OP is thinking when she is thinking about wether someone would make a good new partner?

Ok, I think it's just run it's course. It's sad but it happens.

I think the breadwinner thing is partly said in jest. When I was very young money was very tight at home, so the idea of being the main bread winner doesn’t bother me that much. As shallow as it sounds, I prefer the idea of protection coming from someone who is already a home owner and with other assets etc.

It sounds like you are subconciously ready to move on IMHO

I was with someone for 5 years as a teenager/early 20s and had many an opportunity where I wanted to flirt and experiment with different guys/experiences. It used to niggle me that "I had a boyfriend " so could never act. Fact was that relationship had run it's course about 3 years before it ended and if I could go back I would end when it became habit and go out and enjoy those experiences that I craved.

Just wanted to reiterate what some other pp said in that if you want children and he doesn't, you are fundamentally incompatible. I can only surmise the wandering eyes are that subconsciously you know this and are preparing yourself.

Good luck.

OP - your post sounds a bit all over - and nowhere in it so you mention any feelings you do/or don’t have for the bf.
You start off talking about finding other men attractive.
Then mention those other men as potentially better providers.
Then you talk about being a breadwinner, but wanting to have a child in early 20s - which would put a break on your career, btw.
It’s all a bit confusing, and I think is masking the real issue.

You are in your early 20s. The relationship you are in has ran out of passion - and doesn’t work structurally. You don’t see each other often enough to maintain/build the connection.
Plus - as both of you have (and are still) growing up - you are changing, and possibly are diverging in what you want/need/etc.

This isn’t what dating in early 20s should be like. There needs to be love, and passion, and exploration of life, and growing up together.
You have many years ahead of you - and really there isn’t a rush for anything. Have your career, build it up. You can’t pick your next partner solely on financial situation - you mentioned home ownership?
Marriage - at any age - and certainly at such young age - is hard enough to maintain, so the connecton need to be based on more than compatibility on paper - that you seem to be mentioning about these other men. (Common interests, etc)

Maybe it’s really just a simple case of - you are tired of your bf and need to date, to see what’s out there.
🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Imagine you are a beautiful film star.You have a sexy boyfriend who you love but every new assignment introduces you to an interesting ,funny gorgeous man who finds you sexy and wants a relationship.Do you cheat or leave him?
My point is there will always be someone newer ,fresher ,richer ,more Interesting than your partner if you move in a certain group .At some point you have to decide I'm happy with my partner .
Not everyone wants a Ferrari .

I understand this situation very well. I was in a relationship from 16-22. It was long distance while I was at uni. We met in school, I was the high achiever.

Six months after we moved in together I found out he was interested in someone else. It ended out relationship because the trust was gone. But in reality it should never have lasted as long as it did. Too much too young.

Weirdly we are now back in contact (fb) and really good friends, but this is 21years later.

Move on, have fun, find someone who wants the same things as you do. A partner who is an equal in interests, life plan and ambition.

I think you are right to wait a few months to see whether things improve when you can see each other weekly instead of monthly, particularly as you say you are prone to seeing the grass as greener on the other side. Time is on your side, and a few months is neither here nor there to make sure you are not rushing into a decision you may regret.

You say that you have common life goals, except that you want dc immediately and he doesn't want them yet. I think it's not uncommon to want to wait a few years to have dc when you are in your early 20s. The other men that interest you may not want dc quite yet either.

In terms of you being the breadwinner, I think it very much depends on the reason for him saying that. If you are much smarter, or are already flying in your career, or have achieved a much higher level of education, then this might simply be a statement of likely fact. When my sister met her dh she was a hairdresser and he was a doctor, so it was obvious who was likely to earn more. If he's saying it because he's lazy and work shy, and is looking forward to an easy ride with you paying all the bills, then that's different.

I would give it some time. Fancying other people is entirely normal and doesn't switch off when you get into a committed relationship. You say things are good when you see each other, so you may get back on track when you are able to see each other weekly. If not, you'll know what to do.