Separation and the kids

[fluffyunicorn34]

I told my husband on Sunday night that I wanted to separate. I think it came as a huge shock to him although we've had the same conversation many times. He does nothing around the house to help, pays little attention to mine or our children's life's, I don't find him attractive anymore and I don't love him.
I've been talking to him about how we tell the children. DD1 is 9 and DD2 is 5. He wants it made clear in the conversation to them that this is not his decision to go. I've explained this doesn't help them at the time and we will give them more details when they're older. He thinks this whole situation is unfair and I'm forcing him to leave. I don't know what we tell the kids, I was going to go with something like "mummy and daddy have been haven't been getting on for a while and have decided to live apart". Then talk to them about this won't happen anymore but this will etc. He's having none of it. They'll hate me if they think it's all my fault and I've tried saying to him he needs to take some responsibility for our marriage getting to this point.
Any advice? I'm feeling so shit and just want to do what's best for the children.
Sorry for the long post.

No advice but a bump though I can see his point

He's made it clear to you that he'll seek to use the DC as a weapon against you, so throw the hopes of amicability out the window right now.

9 and 5 are difficult ages. Is there any chance you can avoid a split until they are back at school and able to access pastoral care? Or has the situation gone way past that point.

You need to take a very reassuring position with your DC. "Daddy is angry right now, but he still loves you very much, and so do I. We don't love each other any more, but that doesn't mean we don't love you - we do, and we'll do everything we can to make sure you spend time with both of us doing the things that make us a family."

OP absolutely do not let your do do this!

I am going through the same situation right now with 5 kids. We told them in June and stbxh is moving out end of this month. He did not want the separation even though we have had issues for years, his drinking and emotional and verbal abuse to me. I would never tell the kids how he treated me and he was absolutely in no uncertain terms told by our separation counsellor that he was not to tell kids this was mum idea and he didn't want it even if that is true! For the kids well being it should be presented as a mutual decision. Check out online resources on this and it Will confirm this.
He needs to man up, accept his part in the marriage breakdown and be a grown up for his kids.

Your dh not do!

I can see his point too.

While I can see why he might want to tell them he isn't choosing to leave I think you are right, if they're young they don't need details and if they're older you shouldn't be telling them things that might make them feel like they have to pick sides.

FWIW I'm in the same place as you, very similar story and we haven't told 8 yr old DD yet. I think we're going to go along the lines of we both love her very much but only love each other like friends now so dad is going to live in a flat nearby and still see her lots.

How can people see his point?? Obviously there is another side to the story, but OP has listed the reasons she cannot continue living with him so he isn't exactly blameless in this.
The children should come first in this, so he should NOT be laying blame even if that's how he feels. That only damages them in an already damaging situation.

The fact he is prepared to do that tells me OP is right to be getting rid of him.
My ex blamed me and made it clear to our oldest son he didn't want the split. I could have then told my oldest son about the horrible way his Dad treated me to balance things but I wouldn't do that.

Thank you all of your advice. I can slightly see his point but it really would only benefit him. He's text me today to say we'll tell them it's mutual and he wants to stay on good terms so feeling very relieved although incredibly scared. I'm thinking of messaging the teachers before they go back to school to let them know what's happened in case of any changes with concentration etc. DD1 isn't that close with him which I think will make it a bit easier.
Wish me luck

I'm going though the exact same thing. Told my husband I don't love him etc.
But I was honest with my children. I told them that mummy doesn't love daddy anymore but mummy still cares for him, and daddy is still going to see u both and he loves u very much. Also I said that grow ups can sometimes fall out of love but still be friend... whenever the children feel sad I ask them what's the matter and they tell me and 9 times out of 10 it's because they miss their daddy. I let them cry and we talk and I tell them it's good to cry and that they r big boys because they cry. Once they stop and start playing it's not spoken about. They speak to their dad everyday and he comes round and sees them. They r getting use to it but they still find it hard him not being in the house.