Difficult and childish Grandfather - what would you do?

[saturdayschild]

Right, this is a long story but will try to keep it short... difficult though because all the details are relevant! To save you reading through something which may not interest you, I need advice on a 'difficult' FIL who is gradually distancing himself from my DS (3 yrs old).

PIL divorced a few years ago after a sudden and unexpected departure by MIL. Since then FIL has got GF who started out being quite liked and definitely accepted by everyone in the family. She had previously been a family acquaintance. Sadly for her she suffers from bad bouts of depression and has tried various types of medication to deal with it. She also has, and used to have in a previous relationship, problems with jealousy and posessiveness. Anyway, after a year of being in FILs life she started making very rude and offensive comments to family members, which gradually pushed us and other family and friends away from spending time with her because of her 'strangeness'. The comments and rudeness got worse after news of my pregnancy. DS is the first and only grandchild. (I won't go in to the details of the stuff she said here because to be honest each one of them would warrant a AIBU thread by itself!).

FIL is deaf to criticism of GF and this has created many arguements between him and DH/BIL. Despite repeated attempts to rectify the situation FIL has distanced himself more and more, to the extent that he was only seeing my DS once every 6 months, despite repeated attempts at visits and him only living 20 miles away. We have now moved abroad and FIL has been to see us once in 12 months (leave and money are not a problem). All the other 3 grandparents have been here a minimum of 3 times each in the same period. At the moment we can't afford a visit back to the UK or believe me we would be taking DS back as often as poss to see his family.

Now this is my problem. FIL adores my DS and when he is with him, you can see that he is bursting with love for him, and enjoys teaching him stuff and playing with him. BUT he won't visit him now because DH once said that he wouldn't have the GF in our house. Recently he sent FIL an email - which he laboured over for days - saying he wanted to end the b*@ls#*t and get things back to normal i.e. saying that the GF was welcome in our house as long as it meant DS got to see his grandad.

Today my DS said to me out of the blue that he doesn't like grandad any more because he doesn't want to come to see him. So this has made me angry once more that FIL is being childish and denying himself and DS the chance to have a loving close relationship. If it was me I would visit my grandson at every available opportunity, with or without GF. I just don't get it.

Am fairly regular on MN but have namechanged for this as it is possible that FILs partner uses MN and I don't really want to stir things up. Any thoughts on WHY and how to deal with it would be gratefully received - DS is getting old enough to notice the absence now.

No advice, but similar situation: DH's dad (divorced) still hasn't seen DS and he's nearly 8 months. He's his first grandchild, but his partner isn't keen and he onv has no backbone .
Don't think there's mcuh you can do apart from emphasise that he is welcome to viist you

Oh boy, that's a tough. What a shame that FIL is doing this to himself and DS. I can only think that you're doing the right thing, by keeping communication open with FIL, offering visits, and making sure that DS doesn't hear any bad stuff about FIL.
My sympathies though, FIL really is thinking with his "little head" here IMO ( sorry for being crude, but can only think that's what's happening if he love DS that much).

We have a very difficult relationship with my parents which is affecting how much the boys see them.

It is been up and down at the moment it is pretty down . The time when it worked the best was when we really opened up and forgot all about the s**t and went out of our way to be hospitable.

I realise now that my parents are not going to change and if I want the boys to have a relationship with them then all the running has to come from us. That is the decision / sacrifice you will have to make. Just ignore her depression, nasty comments and be really nice to her. She won't stop behaving that way but at the end of the day you have bigger fish to fry.

agree with the last message, keep inviting them over & keep commnicating thats all you can do i guess?

tha is the sensible option I guess, and it's what I've been gently trying to get DH to do for the past few months. At the end of the day it is his dad and his place to keep pestering! Being away from the Uk has helped him put things in perspective a bit more so he's been suggesting visits for a long time now but nothing happens. It's all good responses from FIL ("that would be lovely"..."I'd love to come soon"... etc) but nothing ever materialises, and we've reached the point where we can't keep telling DS that grandad wants to visit him, to avoid disappointment. I wonder too whether the GF has not got any better so maybe FIL is trying to avoid any contact between us and her, to avoid more comments. I really don't know.

Really sorry to hear about your FIL not seeing your DS, Slim. That's horrible and it must make you feel so angry on his behalf. Hope other family members are around for your DS. It's so important.

"I wonder too whether the GF has not got any better so maybe FIL is trying to avoid any contact between us and her, to avoid more comments. I really don't know".

I think this is the crux of the matter.

FIL is I feel fully aware though of what is happening but unfortunately continues to put his GF first over his own flesh and blood. I would think that her own depressive illness is behind his own misguided actions now. Living with a depressed person is very hard day to day and he could do with seeking support for his own self from his GP or Depression Alliance.

Strangely enough, FIL's GF has also had health problems ... even if she doesnt use that directly to pressure him I suppose that could be one reason behind his actions. Hope you work things out. FIL will see DS for the first time this summer at BIL's wedding - should be interesting

Luckily MIL is great as is her husband and my parents see him as much as possible, so DS isn't short of family who adore him!

Saturdayschild.
I can't do a long post right now but I wanted to let you know that we have almost EXACTLY the same problem with my FIL and his wife.
I usually call her Step Witch In Law.
We haven't come to a solution (my eldest child is 7 now) and actually at the moment we don't even know where FIL and SWIL are living ...
But I wanted to extend my sympathies and tell you I know how you feel ...
It is heartbreaking to see my children grow up hardly knowing their grandfather. And totally bewildering to work out how a man can have absolutely NO love or loyalty for his children and grandchildren (he has 5 children and 8 grandchildren).
It is a very long long story and I can talk about it till the cows come home if you like ... some of the stories of SWIL will make your toes curl.
The thing that we do mostly is concentrate on the relationships my children have with the family members that genuinely do love them (MIL and my parents and siblings) ... although we live in Australia my kids have a phenomenal relationship with my parents ... really fabulous, all by phone, webcam, letters and email (and visits every 18 months or so) ...

LOL ghosty - (between you and me we went through a period of calling her a witchy variant of her name naughty but fun!). Fab to hear that despite the distance your kids have a strng relationship with the people who love them. Making a little bit of an effort on both parts is all it takes. Distance is nothing these days with telephones, webcams, skype, etc.

FIL often tries to blame the situation on his two sons being jealous of him having a new woman, turning it in to a step mother thing, when it clearly isn't. Like I said in my first post, everyone liked her at the beginning and had known her for years already. Does anyone get that thrown at them? I think it is used as an eaasy way out to be honest.

sorry attila, forgot to respond to your advice. 'Living with a depressed person is very hard day to day' - and it is true, we can see it in him. We can even tell if he is talking to us on the phone when she is in the room - he sounds tense and very un-like his normal self. Another family member has gently (and bravely) suggested he get some outside support but so far nothing. I suppose he has to acknowledge first that there is a problem.