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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you ever stop contact?

10 replies

Bettyooops · 09/08/2018 00:08

Just that really.

Would you ever stop your children from seeing a parent who has done nothing but let them down?
My child is nearly 3 and without wanting to drip feed, has constantly been let down by his dad.
I gave him yet another chance last week to spend some time with him (hadn’t seen him since February due to his drinking) and agreed he would see him for a couple of hours at the park in the city every Thursday till he sorted himself out.
I get a text asking ME (he pays NOTHING towards his son) if I could transfer him some money as now he doesn’t have a car he has to get public transport and he didn’t have his train fare. I refused as I don’t trust what the money would be spent on and now he says he can’t see him till next week now.
This probably seems minor but is literally the icing on the cake to everything he has put my child through because of his drink and drug binges.
When is enough enough or do I keep trying?
I feel so guilty that I’m olaying god as I keep getting reminded off him.
X

OP posts:

Domino20 · 09/08/2018 00:13

That's enough. It's so damaging for a child to be repeatedly let down.

Lynne1Cat · 09/08/2018 00:23

He drinks, takes drugs, presumably doesn't work? Spends what money he has on his drinking sessions and drugs binges, asks you for money, doesn't do anything for your child, and you need to ask if you should stop contact?

He's unlikely to change (he's had 3 years, right?)

Cut off all contact with him. He's a loser and you and your little boy deserve something better than that.

springydaff · 09/08/2018 00:37

The key thing for me would be safety - I wouldn't want my child to spend any time alone with someone who may be drunk or high.

goforthandmultiply · 09/08/2018 00:43

He is not a safe person for your kid to be around by the sounds of it. It also sounds like he doesn't give a shit. Time to stop trying. I suspect he will just disappear.

bibliomania · 09/08/2018 09:48

In your shoes, I'm not sure I'd stop contact, but I definitely would stop being the one to initiate it (and would definitely not pay for it). If your ex seeks it out and gets himself to the right place at the right time, take the child there. At his age, you don't have to tell him that daddy will be there, so he won't be disappointed if he's not. But if he doesn't make any effort, you shouldn't be pushing for the contact.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/08/2018 09:52

He's an alcoholic and and a drug addict.
That is NOT a good role model for your DS.
I'd tell him that once he has sorted himself out you will consider contact again but until then, all bets are off.

Barbaro · 09/08/2018 09:54

What bibliomania said.

I would send him a text saying that from now on he arranges contact and I'm doing sod all. It has to be through a contact centre and he has to be drug free and not drunk.

If he doesn't bother that's his fault then and the kid isn't disappointed. I would only ever refuse access completely if the man had committed a serious crime.

SunflowerJo08 · 09/08/2018 10:03

He has made no attempt to get his life back on track for the sake of his child, yet expects you to jump through hoops and provide money so that he can see him. This is not on.

At the age your son is at now you are just in time to justifiably stop the repeated let downs from becoming a fixed memory for him. You have tried your hardest to ensure he has a relationship with his dad but this has not been met with equal effort from the Dad himself. He has very little else to blame but himself.

Paie · 09/08/2018 10:07

Split up with ex when DD was 1. She's now 4 and he still pays no maintenance, rarely sees her and is very flaky.
He's expecting his 2nd DC in October and I've told him if he can't see DD regularly by then then he can go via a contact centre to see her. I'm not having her feeling second best. She sees her dad for less than 20 hours a YEAR, IMO it's better that hes not on the scene as opposed to her feeling like she's not worth it because he gives all his time to DC2.

niceupthedance · 09/08/2018 10:08

I would send a message saying you are not going to make any arrangements with him until he has sorted himself out. Then leave it up to him to arrange. Make him come to your area so you don't have to trek around with DC.

FWIW I did this: we haven't heard from the loser in 8 months. If he's going to disappear I'd let it happen now rather than when dc is older and feels the rejection more :(

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