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Relationships

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Original poster

dating/relationship with a single dad.

53 replies

Isabella26xx · 08/08/2018 23:41

Ok so this is just a generic question that I really would like answers and anecdotes on

What are people's experiences/opinions on dating a guy with a child/children? This can* be a guy having them twice a week plus.

BUT ONLY ASKING ABOUT WOMEN WITHOUT CHILDREN

When me and my ex split* he met more women without children than women WITH children
He seemed to think it was easier to meet single women who had no kids rather than the latter

It just always baffled me because I found it easier to meet guys with kids cos obviously there'd be that thing in common, guess I just wanna hear any experiences positive and negative

Btw he had our daughter two nights a week, once mid week then on the weekend
Does it make a difference with how many children there are? How often he takes them and the ages?

Thank you

OP posts:

chestylarue52 · 10/08/2018 09:10

My bf has a step daughter, she’s 13, they see each other once a fortnight. I don’t expect to meet her, until she’s an adult. I think his undivided attention is probably quite important.

Original poster

Isabella26xx · 10/08/2018 10:14

@NotTheFordType
That is a really endearing story. Was his disability severe or moderate?

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 10/08/2018 12:07

@Isabella26xx Thank you. He was mobile but only for a short distance. He wouldn't entertain applying for a blue badge "because that's for those that really need'em." He fought against his disabilities to his last day, which honestly wasn't too helpful.

I was going to post some more stuff but honestly it's not helpful to anyone.

PookieDo · 10/08/2018 12:15

@Isabella26xx under 10

The last guy had kids of 5, 8, 10 and mine are 14 & 16. It doesn’t work. I was sacrificing my own kids enjoyment to please someone else’s 5yo who wanted to do 5yo things. Holidays were all geared to under 10’s. Bedtimes were protracted whinge fests. Meal times were similar. What everyone watched on TV was what the 5yo wanted. It was mind numbing for me, having been through those stages already then doing it all again with someone else’s child, it really just is not attractive in a relationship for me - I don’t want to recreate a family - I have one. For info I do all of this stuff with my nieces and Newphews because they are my family

BounceAndJump · 10/08/2018 12:26

Before having children it wouldn't have bothered me, I worked with children so enjoy spending time with them and as I wasn't a parent I wouldn't have anticipated some of the complexities and stress involved.

Now I have children I wouldn't ever date a man with children. I'd be wary as to why the relationship broke down after children, I wouldn't want the drama of an ex and wouldn't want my children bonding with another child then splitting up.

Kaykay06 · 10/08/2018 13:05

I went out with a guy with 2 Boys one the same age as my then 6 year old and the other a year older than my 7 year old. I didn’t meet them for quite a while as their mother wasn’t keen. We didn’t get much time alone because I have my children a lot due to my exes job.

The experience has completely put me off, he pandered and spoilt his kids and tried to tell mine what to do despite his eldest son eating food with his fingers unless at home and lots of other stuff he let them do but would try and tell mine to behave etc. He turned out to be a total narc and I flung him out he then harassed and stalked me until beginning of this year so it’s put me off dating altogether and I think I’d wait until my kids are much older to contemplate it again as I want to be in control of who comes into their lives now whilst they are young, I don’t want to put them through anything like that again.

PookieDo · 10/08/2018 13:34

@Kaykay06

Non resident parent guilt often does make for poor parenting - same for my ex dp. When I challenged him on some of his choices, he would make a sad face and say he felt guilty. What he is guilty of is creating a very spoilt entitled child.

Mousefunky · 10/08/2018 15:11

I do have children and when I separated from xH I wouldn’t date someone with children. I realise that seems weird but my xH jumped in feet first with someone who also had two children and it made his life so much more complicated. She has sole custody of one of her children so they never get time alone, he is almost always there. The other child is with her dad half the week. When my DC visit at the weekend, they are obviously forced to stay in a house with someone else’s children (and they don’t really get along tbh) and the house is just too small for 4-5 kids so it’s cramped as hell. Financially he took a huge hit since he’s now essentially paying towards someone else’s children’s upbringing as well as paying me (minimum) maintenance for our three.

I didn’t want someone else’s children impacting on my own and tbh, I wanted to selfishly enjoy the weekend with a childless man whilst obviously also being child-free myself. I didn’t have a shortage of dates but I did struggle to find something serious until I met DP.

If I didn’t have children, I wouldn’t go near a man who did.

VetOnCall · 10/08/2018 21:20

Being brutally honest, I don't want to be second third or fourth in the pecking order. I also like nice meals out and weekends away. Unless they are loaded this is more challenging for men with children still paying maintenance and buying blazers etc.

YY to this for me as well as the complication/hassle thing! I want to be the priority and the most important person to whoever I'm in a relationship with and that's just not possible if they have kids.

Baumederose · 10/08/2018 21:41

Agree vet

I think there are plenty of single men without children or with older ones who are doing their own thing alot more.

It's true that from time to time you have to be a lower priority in a relationship for various reasons. Just not week in week out and to the extent it means you can't actually enjoy the relationship because you are always down the list.

I went out with one who had a 2yr old and a 6 yr old and a horrible relationship with the ex. They were both to blame for it being bad and I realised this would be the case for at least 16 years. 16 years! No thanks.

Milomonster · 10/08/2018 21:47

I had a date with a lovely guy who has sole charge of a 3 and 5 year old. His entire life revolves around them. I thought we could explore if something was there and arranged to meet 5 weeks after 1st date. He sent a message apologizing as there was some kid-related issue. I said it’s better we leave things here. It’s a no-goer as I’d always be an afterthought. He’s desperately lonely and wants to meet someone but his circumstances just don’t allow it. Poor guy.

VetOnCall · 10/08/2018 22:11

If I had a pound for every time I've read the line 'I have 1/2/3/7 amazing kids they're my world' on dating profiles I'd be swiping on Tinder in the Bahamas right now. My main thought on reading that (other than 'get a hobby') is 'yeah great, marvellous, but where the hell do I fit in?!'

Baumederose · 10/08/2018 22:17

Oh god yes.

And the 'anyone I date will have to accept my kids come first' lines. Yes, I get that. But don't message me when I make it clear no kids under 16 and then get pissy. I just ignore them now.

But, fun fact: a third of men dont put they have kids on their profiles.

Also had a few of those, where the kids have suddenly been mentioned a few weeks in. Again, they express complete surprise that its an issue! 'But you have one too and I really like you'. Yes, but mine isn't 5 yrs old and I liked you too until you lied about a massive aspect of your life!

I don't get men sometimes.

Rebecca36 · 10/08/2018 22:20

If I was single and looking (which I am not and I am a mother), I wouldn't consider someone with young children. Grown up would be Ok as long as they weren't nearby and forever popping in. I'd want a 'young' type relationship.

VetOnCall · 10/08/2018 22:22

I had one last week on Tinder drop in after about 20 messages 'oh by the way, I have 2 kids, they're 5 and 4 months'. Four fucking MONTHS!! And then he got arsey when I politely said that that really wasn't for me, I had to block him. Prick.

Baumederose · 10/08/2018 22:34

4 months!

Would have to wonder why he wasn't with the mother. That's not a great omen even if I did date men with kids

VetOnCall · 10/08/2018 22:48

Apparently they split up while she was pregnant. He also said he 'has plenty of free time' - with a job, a 5 year old with one woman and a newborn with another he's either a massive liar or a shit father... how appealing!

That's the thing actually, a bloke with kids can't win with me - if they always put the kids first that's not good enough for me, but if they don't put the kids first that reflects badly on them and I couldn't be with someone like that.

NorthernSpirit · 10/08/2018 22:59

I’m dating a man with children. He’d been divorced over 3 years when I met him. We’ve been together 4 years. Met the kids when they were 6 & 9. Kids are great. It’s the vitriolic EW that’s the problem.

Get on

NorthernSpirit · 10/08/2018 23:00

I should add I don’t have children of my own.

Original poster

Isabella26xx · 10/08/2018 23:33

@VetOnCall @Rebecca36 @Baumederose

See this is the thing, when my ex was single . He was actually putting the other women BEFORE our daughter!!! So I'm just wondering like isn't that bad also?
Wouldn't it be a put off?
The way he did this was have her round on the two allocated nights but just be on his phone CONSTANTLY on dating sites desperately trying to meet women. My daughter used to come home so upset, she hated going there
Then would also leave her at his parents if he went on a date. So he was losing precious time he had with her, basically he only got her one whole day on a Saturday morning til Sunday morn
And Wednesday evening (around 5pm) and just dropped her off to school on Thursday
So I found it really upsetting like why not arrange dates when he didn't have her basically 5 nights a week!!!

So I'm just wondering if the other women knew of this? And would that be a put off too?

OP posts:

Original poster

Isabella26xx · 10/08/2018 23:36

@VetOnCall @Rebecca36 @Baumederose

Noticed lots of people saying that older children would be ok. So what age range would that be?!
Only reason I ask is because my friend has a daughter that's 11 and her ex husband is dating a woman but the daughter goes n tells my friend EVERYTHING that she sees when her dad n this other woman are there! She told me last week she's so glad she's older cos if she was yong like under 8 she wouldn't have a clue
N also the daughter, because of her age is really rude to the new woman
Also heard of this from other people like older kids would be more likely to kick off or have attitude etc

OP posts:

VetOnCall · 10/08/2018 23:39

I think that would turn off any decent woman, or it should anyway. I absolutely do think that if you have kids they should be your number one priority, but that doesn't work for me in terms of getting romantically involved.

FourPillars · 10/08/2018 23:56

I’m a mum and that role has added another dimension to my life and to me as a person too. Someone who is not a parent would not understand that. Therefore if I were single, I would prefer to date people who are a parent.
I don’t think I would have felt that way before I was a parent although I was in a long-term relationship with a man whose DDs were with us EOW. I loved them dearly but also realised they were his priority. If you cannot accept that, don’t be in a relationship with a parent.

PookieDo · 11/08/2018 07:20

My own children are 14 and 16 and I know how to behave appropriately around kids so they don’t have tales to tell! When I say older kids I mean secondary age or older. And it would be a long time before I met them anyway so it’s irrelevant whether they repeat stuff.

I have dated a deadbeat dad and it was awful. He never saw his child and it was very unattractive

Most men I have dated seem to have a lot of resentment towards their ex for moving on

It is also true that my own ex (father of children) is a better father when he has a girlfriend doing all the work. So I always have a horrible feeling someone might be looking at me to help them out with their kids

Baumederose · 11/08/2018 07:55

It would put me off if they were a shit father of a child of any age. It's exactly for me as vet says.

My cut off as a lower limit is 16. They tend to have their own lives alot more by then, the older the child the better, but 16 is the lower limit. You are talking 2 years to uni or a job at that point potentially so it's a very different thing to a child at primary school.

I don't rush into meeting the kids anyway. For me it would be a good 1-2 years before that was even on the cards. I am not looking to create a family. I have done that, I want an adult relationship to do adult things (!). I'm not interested in having to get home early to bath and bed or watching CBeebies. I have done all that and I don't want to do it again.

I do agree with pookie I think ALOT of men want a woman to help with their kids.

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