First evidence EA has turned PA...

[justthisguy]

I won't bore you with the full details of the breakdown of my marriage (they're on other posts of mine if you really want to look them up) suffice to say STBXW's interpretation was that - despite me being a great guy and husband - we had drifted apart and the EA she was involved with had nothing to do with this drift. It was just the catalyst that awakened her to the fact we had drifted since she wouldn't be so infatuated with a guy (who she barely knew) if we hadn't.

So we separated on her instigation. She told me that it would affect her so much she wouldn't get involved with anyone else for at least two years. I told her, whilst I was flattered, this was somewhat unrealistic given recent events but she was adamant.

Fast forward to today. I've been checking the joint account. There was a payment made by her to a specialist online pharmacy on the one month anniversary of our separation, during the time I had the DCs. The only item I can find in the store that matches the cost is a Morning After Pill.

Nice.

Still, its not as if I didn't suspect. Can't really vent to her so felt compelled to do it here. Sorry all.

You're separated, so why are you expecting her to be "faithful"?

You've already been separated for a year and it sounds like you are stalking your ex. Are you getting any help for yourself because your behaviour sounds extreme and not normal. Could you talk to your GP about how you are coping?

@Breakfast Not expecting her to be faithful. Just a bit disappointed the proposed two year promise got broken after a month.

@bastardkitty I've only been separated three months and this happened a month after we separated.

But yeah, you're both right I have no right to complain and should get some perspective. It's still early days and felt hurt. Sorry.

@bastardkitty Just to add, the only reason I came across this is because we're in the midst of sorting finances for divorce. Otherwise I've been trying my utmost to avoid the details of her life (not looking at social media, asking friends how she is, etc).

Sorry - I had misread the time frame. Yes it's still early days and you are obviously hurting. You know that she isn't going to wait and has moved on. You knew this before you saw the payment but it has confirmed what you thought. Have you got support? You're wise to avoid social media. You don't think you will get through it, but you will.

Thanks bastardkitty - I appreciate it. Friends and family have been brilliant but this is something I'd find hard to raise with them. I should probably look into counselling.

It may only have been a month but she obviously thought about splitting for some time before.

Hey this is really hard
What you are feeling is normal

Often the person leaving is ahead of the person left. Had time to think about it and get used to the idea. Whereas the person left is playing catch up. Hard IME.

Stop stalking her - you’re not together anymore and she is entitled to some privacy. You also don’t know if she paid delivery or bought multiple items so stop jumping to conclusions.

And close the joint account if you’re not together anymore.

Have you trawled through the entire online pharmacy to find an item that matches a price ? This sounds obsessive, stalkerish and open to error. Is there no other item that costs the same ?
Who would buy a MAP online ? Surely it needs to be taken quickly not waiting for delivery.
If it is true it at least shows the sex was not premeditated.

@Lovely Much as I would love to close the account we can't - it's all counted in the settlement and part of ongoing negotiations. As I said, we're in the middle of divorce proceedings.

@hungryants It blooming well cost a lot so I wanted to know what she had been spending money that was meant for family purposes -predominantly now we've split that's pooled for the kids. I don't have access to her personal account and have no desire to find out what she spends that money on. The pharmacy didn't really stock that much. it didn't take much figuring out. As I said it was "specialist".

She could have bought 2 or 3 items that totalled that amount.

Checking their website so see what she might have bought is not healthy or wise

Op: I am sorry to hear the situation you are in, but stop driving yourself crazy. She could have bought several items that add up to the cost of what you think can only be the morning after pill. Pharmacies have a huge amount of medications etc and you can't possibly know the cost of everything. You have assumed she slept with the EA man, you have assumed from that she had unprotected sex, you have assumed form that she had to take the morning after pill. You have assumed that it was the man she had an EA with (it might have been someone else). That is a lot of assumptions made on one transaction. My mu says "never assume it makes an ass out of you and me".

Besides all that, you have now separated for whatever reasons. You need to deal with it or it will consume every thought.

Her promise of 2 years I imagine was just lip service to keep you calm. And one human should not expect another human to go without a relationship for 2 years (a lot can happen in 2 years), so the promise is a silly one. She sounds like she wants to be free, let her go, she may want to come back. But being obsessive about her, will not help, she will just want to run away further.

Also if she has her own account, why woouold she be silly enough to put something like that on your joint account?

I’m fairly sure for the MAP you have to go into a pharmacy as they have to do various health checks. There are quite right regulations.

PPs are right - you are torturing yourself. Try not to look at what she’s done. Sorry you are in this situation, time will make it better but only if you choose not to follow negative thoughts

It was unrealistic (and unnecessary) of her to offer the two year wait before getting intimate with someone else. Once you two had made the decision to split, what she spends small sums of money on and who she sleeps with isn't really your business.

I appreciate that it hurts but given how you've reacted to this, trawling the entire site to find a product to match the price she's spent, she obviously just wanted to placate you, as she realised you would get upset/angry at her if she made it known she was intending to become to close to this man, or indeed anyone else.

By all means, sort the financials ASAP, but unless you find thousands of pounds being paid out to a luxury boat company, try to resist the forensic financial investigation and get on with living without her. It sounds like that's what she's doing, sorry.

Errr, you've had a rather unfortunate name change fail I think OP!

Think you've outted yourself OP

I am confused, how has he outed himself and what was the name change fail?

Yes you can buy it online.
Perhaps her card was registered and she didn’t even realised she used that card.
Anyway. It’s all irrelevant. And I think some of you people are being downright nasty fuckers

Most people don’t just go. “Oh well then love, you’ve been having an affair” I’ll just let you get on with it and not feel any pain because officially you’ve left the house”

Everyone ends up looking for little clues, driving themselves mad, overthinking things. Checking SM (although he hasn’t and he’s still a stalker)
Jesus what a bunch of cunts to shit on someone when they feel this low

I'm sorry you're hurting but this level of scrutiny of her spending isn't healthy and tbh is a bit concerning

She may not actually still be with that guy, maybe she had a ONS or something? Either way you need to try to let her go, she made the promise I guess to try and make you feel better but it's very unrealistic