Parents not making an effort with Boyfriend

[frogslegsxo]

Hey all,

Will try keep it brief and apologies if I have put this in the wrong category (and made it into a long post)

I'm 24F I've been with my BF (25) for nearly a year, but I am having issues with my parents not making an effort and being quite unwelcoming.

For example:

• my boyfriend will say hi first when he comes round before they will acknowledge him.

-we went on holiday a couple of weeks ago and my boyfriend come back with me to help me carry my suitcase. My mum didn't bother asking at all how our holiday was and showed no interest. This in turn has pissed off my bf.

-Dad only really makes an effort with him when there is an "audience" I.e family events (we have only had a few since the time we have been together but it's something I've picked up on.

-(this one might sound silly) boyf parents bought me gifts for Easter/ my birthday - my parents didn't bother for his and his Bday is a couple of days before mine. Not that this imperative but i feel quite embarrassed. My other family members said happy birthday to him on Facebook but no acknowledgment from my mum who is active on there all day. (But bf hasn't mentioned anything to do with this)

-they make no effort to converse with him in general. No asking how his job is, what he has been up to etc etc. But when he talks about them to them they are more than happy to talk about themselves.

I don't have a room of my own - I purchased a property a year ago with a mortgage and still haven't moved out. (That's another rant within itself- as my dad is doing the renovating). So when he does come round - we are forced to sit in the front room with them. He has his own room so I tend to go there just for the sake of some privacy and his parents are a lot more welcoming!

The fact that my boyfriend verbally mentioned his frustration over the holiday situation makes me think in general he is a bit pissed off with them both. I probably have been a bit neglectful and not really asked him how he feels in general being around my family but I would back him up if he feels uncomfortable.

This has been like this since the beginning (and with an ex) and I'm embarrassed. I see a future with this guy but the more this happens, the more I want to shield him away from them, which I guess in turn could make it worse for both them and him.

Have you been in a situation like this? Any suggestions? Or should I just not care? X

I can understand your embarrassment, I’m not surprised they don’t buy him gifts, but for them to ignore someone who walks into the room feels rude to me too.
If your mum or dad’s birthday coming up? Rather than buying a gift could you take the four of you out for pizza. Or offer to cook at theirs one evening for the four of you.
Create a situation where they can’t help but speak to your bf, and as they get to know him, hopefully things will improve.
Could he offer to help your dad with renovations at your house?

People find it easier to break the ice if they have something to do in common - eating, painting etc.

If you're nor careful, I foresee a future of you still not having your own room in another year's time, but there being no boyfriend to visit.

They did this with an ex too? It likely worked so they're trying the same tactics with this one?

Get yourself into your house as is and tell your dad you'll catch up on the rest of it yourself.

Take charge, behave like the adult you are as it really sounds like your parents are quite happy to keep you in the child role. If they saw you as an adult, for instance, they might have more respect for you and any partner, and they might finish renovating your house.

Having said that, how keen is your dad to do all this renovating for you? Is he bored with it? Is it worse than he expected?

Seriously, get yourself out of there. And understand that any grown adult in your boyfriend's position would be royally pissed off by now.

PS My mother behaved much the same way with my ex when I was still at home but once she got to know him better her indifference and subtle rudeness escalated to all-out fights with him.

Don't assume by making them change that it would be a change for the better. This kind of behaviour can be about control.

Your dad has been renovating your property for a year?! Does he actually want you to move out or is he happy with you at home?

If your house has a toilet and a sink, move into it. It's quite strange behaviour and I don't think I would put up with it for long.

Maybe the dp's think that as you and bf have been together for a year, it's about time he took on the renovations? If he's planning on being with you long term, he should at least get stuck in to help, (as he would presumably benefit?). Maybe they think he's just a CF?

Hey all,

My Dad is a self employed builder and extremely picky, it's always been quite a military atmosphere growing up. I've had my friends, partner and other family members offer to help and he turns his nose up at them thinking they won't / can't do a good enough job. It's beyond a joke now and I pay all the bills for that property plus rent at home too. Even thinking about it now is getting me angry (but now I know NEVER again to let my parents have influence over a property I buy)

I just mentioned it to my mum again about speeding the work up and had another "telling off" that bills still have to be paid, just practically turning onto me again. This is the type of shit I have been dealing with since at least Xmas where I've always been told it will be ready "soon"

The flat's current state from what I saw on pics last week is kitchen not complete, radiators not in, no carpets, honestly it's the one thing that pisses me off most amongst living like a teenager and only having the bathroom as any type of respite for me time. God knows how I'll manage with kids in the future

• in terms of last ex and the way they treated him- that was 4/5 years ago and although I kind of noticed it, I put it down to the fact that his family were very involved and very over bearing so I didn't think too much of it as I found my parents behaviour at the time sort of like a relief. It's only now that I've got a little bit more wiser to the fact that I've realised it really is unacceptable behaviour and it's something I'm conscious about.

I originally thought that with current boyf they were testing him and sort of being a bit standoffish to see what his intentions were considering I got the mortgage and saved my deposit on my own and maybe thought he would be a bit of a gold digger / free loader. My flat is way to far for him to travel from for work and I wouldn't allow it with anyone anyway, taking that from both legal advice and just my common sense. Although my parents are aware that he will stay at the weekends, not that I need to justify it to them anyway. From what my boyfriend has said about the flat situation, he is more angry at the lack of communication from my parents and the fact they supported me buying it without giving me an reasonable expectation on completion and have treated it as basically a low priority when I have put a LOT of money into it.
Other than that - he has made no big deal out of it so I know his intentions are honest there!

Sorry rambling again , thanks for your responses so far. I'm just stressed out at the moment!

Would you lose money if you sold the flat as it is now? Unfinished, everything?
Please look into it and consider whether it would be better doing that and buying somewhere else, that might still need work, but would have no input from your parents.

Take it from somebody who has made this mistake many times - do not accept this kind of help from parents! Even if your dad finished it sooner you'd owe him forever. And he'd probably turn up to inspect 'his' property.

I think you tend to find that professional tradesmen treat their own property as bottom of the list (gardeners have overgrown gardens, plasterers have unfinished walls, and decorators NEVER get round to doing their own houses) became they don't get paid.So that's why it's taken so long. Sell it now and get on with your life. Maybe cut your losses and sell it to df? You could wait forever otherwise.
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Is your Dad sabotaging your moving out? Given it's your property, it's up to you who works on it. Why have you only seen photos, are you not going there regularly? You don't need radiators this time of year, you can live without carpets, too. Get a blow up mattress and move in and pay someone to finish the work!

I agree

Move out
Use the money you pay your parents to buy carpet and have rads fitted

If you have a door and windows a kettle and flushing loo your eyes winning

I agree with GreenTulips, move in and pay someone to fit radiators and finish the kitchen instead of paying rent. That’s only a couple of weeks work.

Get some cheap cotton rugs until you can pay for carpet. The weather is warm now, so you have time to get it all fixed up for winter.

They don't want you to move out and they resent bf for whatever reason. They don't trust him.