Hi,
Hoping someone can offer some advice.
My wife told me early last year the "love you but not in love with you" line. We've been together for 10 years, married for 6, We have one 5 yr old child.
We've had issues communicating in our relationship. When I'm not happy about something, I normally ask for what I want clearly and then she tells me she can't meet my high expectations and gets upset. So overtime I find it hard to talk to her and find myself walking on eggshells. When she's not happy about something she shows anger/annoyance but won't actually try to communicate with me kindly. If I start asking questions about what she wants to understand her better or express my own concerns because what she is asking for is unfair then she bursts into tears and storms off. We've been to couples therapy but it's not proved productive. I've tried to suggest we do relationship exercises like values and expectations etc but she refuses or won't take an active part. She moved out of the bedroom over a year ago and has barely touched me since. Just "man" hugs in the morning and evening. She says she cant have physical affection without emotional connection but then isn't doing anything to try to forge an emotional connection. When I ask her what she means she talks romantic gestures like buying flowers, which I've tried but then she's criticised how I've done it. She hasn't initiated any conversations on the relationship and when I do she just gets super defensive and devalues anything good I say or good about our relationship. I've asked her if she wants to stay together and says she's not sure - too scared to stay, too scared to leave. Occasionally she will come to me and say she is upset and I ask her about what and she says "how things are between us" but won't make any suggestions about how we can improve things and when I make suggestions she just poo poos them. I get the sense that with things left unresolved they can continue to be 'used' so it's almost like she doesn't want to resolve things.
She is upset about things I've said and done in the past (up to 10-12 years ago) things I've apologised for and made commitment to avoid in future (despite none of it being that serious - others including friends and family think they are non-issues). She's asked for more romance - which I've tried and she's not seemed to appreciate. She's told me she wants unconditional love (that doesn't sounds healthy to me) and to "feel it in her heart" (not sure what I can do about that). I've tried to have conversations about these things but she clams up. She is generally nice day-to-day in a platonic way. Although now and then when she wants me to do something that I don't want to, then she walks off passive aggressively and doesn't say goodbye to me or our child. I'm concerned this is unhealthy for all 3 of us to stay in this dynamic long term but don't know what to do about it and she seems stuck, not knowing what she wants and unable or unwilling to do anything about it. I feel like it's time to call it a day but I'm worried about our child and I almost feel like she's just going through some crisis and will "wake up" from it but I also know she's had similar issues with her family and never made any real effort to resolve that either.
so frustrating!