Mum distraught Grandad isn't coming to my wedding

[petalflowercherrybomb]

I'm getting married next summer. My lovely mum is very excited and helping with plans. All good. Except she called me in hysterics yesterday saying my Grandad has announced he won't attend the wedding because he doesn't approve of DP (who is mixed race.) No great surprise to me. I knew he felt like this and I'm not really bothered he won't be attending! Mum is supremely upset about the issue and determined to convince him to attend. She's asked me to call him to talk him round. Er no. I won't be begging him. How do I talk her down without upsetting her further. She's embarrassed and ashamed he feels the way he does

I assume your fiancè would rather not have your racist grandad there against his will (almost). If this is the case, I would point that out to your mum.

I think you just need to shrug it off, you're dealing with it far better than your mother.

Just tell her it doesn't matter and you'd rather he didn't attend if that's his attitude to your other half, and his familly.

No explanation,just a firm clear No. Don't give your mum an inkling of there being chance you want to speak to him, she's got lots of time to get her head round it.

Well done you op for being calm and comfortable with your decision.

The tinkering imp in me would send him a value microwave meal for one round on the big day!

'Oh Mum, it's an invitation not a summons! We were prepared to overlook that he's an unpleasant old racist and invite him as a gesture of family goodwill. He doesn't want to attend because he's an unpleasant old racist: that's his decision and we are certainly not going to beg him to change his mind.'

I'd give her some time to calm down. Maybe send her a message saying something like "mum, i know you're upset about this (as am I) but can we just agree to do nothing right now, we'll talk it through at the weekend so we've both had a bit of time to think it through."

I would hope that a few days allows her time to see the issue from your point of view, and gives you time to work out how to speak to her about it. It also shows your granddad that he isnt the centre of the world, as no-one is running to him straight away begging for his attendance!

I completely agree with you, he shouldn't be coming if he has a problem with your fiance's ethnicity. The only thing to do here really is make sure your mum is on the same page as you and manage her disappointment that her dad wont be at a big family occasion.

Will she not calm down herself?

Umm does your partner not matter to your mom? He’s best off not coming if that’s his attitude

I expect it’ll be more fun and more relaxed without him! I wouldn’t want him there anyway

If he's got an issue with your DP, imagine the problems he'll have with his family.. I really think it would be far better for him not to be there as he could cause so much upset on what should be such a happy day.

Good luck on soothing your mum but it's not really her place to keep on at this (although I know she's viewing this as her Dad not being there as opposed to your Grandad... but still!)

Stay super calm and tell her it's best he doesn't come given his views and it's him she needs to talk to, not you, as it's his attitude and his announcement causing the problem. Refuse nicely to have any more conversations about it.

I agree that telling her you'll discuss it at the weekend is sensible. She'll still be upset but the initial shock and panic will have worn off.

Point out to her that it's easier to make excuses about someone's absence than it is to try and explain poor or offensive behaviour. If your Grandfather feels that way about his DGD's fiance, I think we can all imagine how he may behave towards him, his friends and family on the day.

Better to have him stay away than attend under duress and cause embarrassment or hurt to you or your mum on what's supposed to be a happy occasion.

Let her know that you're fine with him not coming because of his views and that you'd rather she didn't try to convince him otherwise.

It’s best he doesn’t attend surely? His loss!

ugh I'd rather he didn't come of that's how he feels tbh, it's so disrespectful to your DP

I wouldn't have invited him in the first place. Tell your mum he is not welcome now and you won't hear anything further about it.

Fair enough - he has made his point and won't be coming. Nobody needs to make excuses for him. Tell your mother that if you are not bothered then she shouldn't be either. Enjoy your day.

It will solve a lot of likely problems if your grandfather doesn’t attend. It is entirely his loss and avoids the need to steer him away from your DP and his family and friends. Even if he’s able to keep his views to himself his attitude and body language would speak volumes.
If anyone asks just say he was unable to atttend and leave it at that. Only your family are likely to miss him and no doubt they are aware he is a racist. Knowing his prejudices you wouldn’t want him round you children so why would you want him at your wedding.
Tell your DM not to worry and you’ll talk it over with her later. Then you can assure her that neither you nor your DP are concerned about this (blessing in disguise)
Good luck with your special day

Ask your mum why she thinks your fiance should have to put up with a racist being at his wedding?

I expect your mum's reaction is a desperate hope that there has been some kind of misunderstanding that you can clear up if you talk to him. She is only discovering (or acknowledging) this now, your grandfather's views have been clear to you for a lot longer and probably more gradually so you know a single phone call won't change his mind.
Maybe meet her for a cup of tea and a chat to say that though you are disappointed by his views, you are happy with his decision not to attend.

Say you'd rather he wasn't there is he disapproves of your d.h. and leave it at that, that's his choice not to come and it's your wedding, not hers. Why waste energy trying to convince an old racist that he is really going to be missed when the opposite is true. Why is she so keen for him to be there anyway if he feels this way.

Sounds like your Mum is in denial about her father and him not attending, makes it harder for her to cling to her denial. It’s time to get tough with your Mum and let her know that him not attending is not the great catastrophe she’s making it out to be.

Reassure your mum that it is not her responsibility to try to put everything right by attempting to persuade him and that you feel OK about him not attending as he doesn't support the choice you've made. And tell her she has nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about.

Why did you even invite him?!

I haven't actually invited him yet haha I think it's was an assumed invitation. We don't see much of him (for obvious reasons!) so I hadn't given it any great thought and invites haven't gone out yet as it's not til May next year.

I agree with those of you who said Mum is only just coming to terms with his views. She seems really shocked he could behave in such a way and keeps muttering about how her mum (my Nan) would've been appalled at his behaviour

I just really don't want to upset her further. She's such a great Mum and normally very calm but she seems to have lost it over this. She's always hated conflict.

I'm going to take PP advice and tell her we'll speak at the weekend at which point I'll say I don't actually want him there and won't discuss further. I have plenty of supportive family who will be in attendance and you're all right we'll have a lovely day without him.

Luckily DP finds the whole thing hilarious and loved the idea of a value meal for one sent to his door!!!!

Guess you could send him a piece of cake. Have a lovely wedding and congrats, your dp sounds lovely.