I’m 36 and starting to think it will never happen

[pickinguppieces]

I’m 36, (37 in December) and I’m single and unmarried. I was married in my late twenties, but the marriage was short lived and ended in divorce in 2011 and my love life has been pretty unlucky since then. I’ve had a few boyfriends, but I haven’t had a serious relationship since 2016 and I’m worried. I’m desperate to have children, but I’m scared time is going to run out - I know that I don’t need a partner to have a child, but I don’t know whether I would be comfortable with raising a child alone. I have always been very career driven and I wish I’d made more effort in my early thirties to keep a relationship but it never happened. Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice? I go on dates and my friends try to set me up but it never leads anywhere.

I think that you live outside the UK?

In certain countries is much easier to adopt than it is in the UK. If you are resident abroad then you need to follow the legal procedures in the country where you live. Once the child has lived with you for two years then it’s relatively straightforward to get them a Uk passport.

Just a thought.

JessieMcJessie, I’m not abroad anymore but at that time I was splitting my time between where I was working and the UK and it made it difficult to date. I’ve put my career and social life before dating and I know that it was a decision I made. My work life isn’t as important to me anymore, and I don’t travel like I used to, so I’m now prioritising my personal life, trojanpony.

I try to go on a dates whenever I can and I have one planned for this weekend which I hope will go well (wish me luck).

Hi Botanica, after reading replies from you and others I’m thinking of getting my fertility checked and seeing if I really would be ready for that, because I know I don’t want to regret not having children later. I know my friends would be a good support system, but my Mum doesn’t live close and I don’t have a relationship with my siblings so I still have that concern. I haven’t come to a conclusion, trojanpony but right now I don’t know if I would be fully comfortable raising a child alone.

That’s awful, Bellends. I can see why you said that to her, since she’s basically raising the child alone anyway. I really wouldn’t want to be in her position.

Thank you pebblesandfriends! Hopefully I’ll find someone on the same page as me who wants to settle down and have children but dating as a 30 something in London isn’t always plain sailing.

Sorry Rosemary46, I just clarified that before reading your post, I’m a UK resident. Adoption is definitely something I would consider but I haven’t done much research into it as a single parent as I know they prefer married couples.

Thank you Megan, I don’t really know which is my priority right now. but I suspect it should be having a baby since time for that is running out, where I can date regardless of my age. I guess I just worry about being stressed without the support of a partner, but it’s also true that you can end up with a partner who contributes nothing to the raising of your child and it’s the same kind anyway.

Thank you, picking up pieces (blimmen autocorrect keeps adding spaces to your name, sorry).

I haven't told most people that I used a donor. Partly because I'm a bit embarrassed and partly because I got pregnant soon after starting my current job and my employer might be pissed off if they knew it was "planned". (I was made redundant between my two attempts).

That said, several friends and relatives and various medical staff know the truth and I haven't had one critical comment. I got the impression that the (female) paediatrician who checked DD over in hospital disapproved, but that might not have been the reason for her unfriendly tone. Most people have been lovely to me.

I already knew a woman who had her DC in the same way several years ago, and I think she was relieved by the lack of judgement from our mutual acquaintances. A very conservative middle-aged acquaintance was understanding, as was a Catholic friend. I bet some people have had a good old gossip about me when I'm not around, but I can live with that. So, if you do ahead, you may be pleasantly surprised by how unfazed most people are.

It’s nice to hear your experience was mostly pleasant, Cattenberg. My friends and family would be understanding I’m sure, since they would like for me to have a child. Don’t worry about the name, mine keeps trying to change yours to Battenberg

Bellends Great story, but it's true shop for food hungry and you buy crap. I'm a single parent through a similar circumstance. Getting a doner might be better long term.

"shop for food hungry and you buy crap"

Great analogy, and so true.

I think getting an mot is a major priority.
At least you know where you stand, you might have. Good few years or it might be too late already.
I wish I had done it years ago! In fact I think all women should do it after 34-35. Just for peace of mind.

@Bellends: that is truly a cautionary tale!!!

I think the fertility check is an interesting subject.

I looked into it and rightly or wrongly decided against it.
My reasoning was I knew I wouldn’t want to go it alone so I figured knowing whether or not I was short on time would just ramp up the desperation factor/ ”shop for food hungry and you end up buying crap” mentality.
And (not that it’s anyones dream) but being lumbered with a child and a useless turd of an Ex wasn’t part of the master plan.

As it is I have met someone I may/may not have kids with and I am comfortable with that (for now)

I just think knowledge is power.

My initial scan showed that my antral follicle count was lower than expected for my age. For some reason, I hadn't expected this and felt terrible that I might have left it too late to have children. It really was a horrible feeling. I later had a blood test to measure my AMH and that was a bit more encouraging.

Some people know they want children and would kick themselves if they left it too late.

Some people only want children if the circumstances are right for them. They might feel confident that if it doesn't work out, that's OK.

And some people don't want children at all, of course.

I always knew I was in the first category. I know that my decision to have DD was at least partly selfish, but I hope DD will have a happy life and there's a good chance that she will.

@eightfaces totally agree! initially I was dead set on getting all the info available, which is why my own decision has slightly baffled me. but nevertheless I’m confident it’s the right choice for me as I knew that I was not prepared to go it alone and it would have just pressurised me to an inappropriate degree to know time was running out(!) while trying to meet someone

I'm in a similar position. I'm nearly 35 and really want a child (I had a miscarriage last year and am now single). I had a fertility MOT a few months ago and my ovarian reserve results were pretty bad - the consultant said if I want children I don't have much time.

I'd have loved to have met someone and done it "properly" but I'd rather do it alone than lose the chance to do it at all.

All things willing, I'll start the process in January as I know it could take several attempts (if it works at all).

My family is quite traditional but they've all been really supportive of this. I plan to date while I go though, mainly in the hope that someone amazing comes along. 😬

I'd considering prioritising baby over a man. Yes you may meet a man soon but who knows in a year , two years if it will work out? Who knows if it turns out he can't have kids? He may turn around and decide he doesn't actually want kids after all? So many uncertainties hoping / relying on a man. Even if you do wait one more year I'd definitely at least seriously start researching it now, see if there are any support groups to get more info etc.

& good luck. I'm a firm believer of what's meant to be will be :-)

Ive been a single parent and honestly, i have no doubt id have one by myself if ot had never happened for me by mid thirties/40.

IMO being a single parent, knowingly and planned that way is a LOT easier than being one becauase youve split.

You wont have the emotional difficulties splitting up, you can plan for it. I know people whove done this and theyve said this themselves.

Thank you everyone! I was always confident I would start having children with a partner at this point, and I guess things didn’t work out that way. Like user said, it wasn’t meant to be. I think I’ll see how the next few months go but at least make plans for a fertility MOT so I have options on the table.

Good luck pickinguopieces. I’m 32 and just out of a year long shit show of a ‘relationship’. If you can call it that.

It’s got me thinking about fertility too as I’ve always wanted children but am wondering if I will ever meet anyone that I would like to have children with. Good luck xxx

I am in a very similar situation to you. I’m 35 almost 36. I’ve just left my relationship but got for two years I struggled to make the decision due to anxiety related issues...

What I don’t understand is that I’m a good looking guy, I have a good job and a heart of gold. I want to be loved and be with that person that compliments me and makes my life easier...

I have online dating but get 0 replies and I have no idea why?

All I keep hearing is keep the faith. Maybe try firstdates? That seems to work wonders

Hi Op
If you definitely want children I would pursue that first and foremost, it's too much of a risk to wait to find a potential partner. Good luck.

Hi, Willing2acceptAdvice! It seems like some people are just less lucky at love than others, and we’ve fallen into that. As depressing as it is, I try to keep the faith that someone will come along. I had a date yesterday with a bloke who was lovely and l be following it up with a second date. Honestly, go on as many dates as possible with different people.

Singlegal, thank you and sorry about your relationship. You’re only 32, so you have some time left but I wish I had weighed up my options for children when I was in my early 30s instead of being caught up in my career and going on endless dates.

I definitely want children, I’ve always felt maternal and I have nieces and nephews that I love. I agree that it’s risky to wait for it to happen with a partner, because it might not but I’m honestly still considering what to do next.

I got together with DP at 38, pregnant and gave birth to DS at 39, I’m now 40 and we’re getting married in December (5 days before DS first Birthday) and then hope to be trying for a sibling for him after Christmas.
Honestly...you just never know what’s round the corner x

I had my DD on my own at 36yo. Thank goodness I did because I haven't met the one and I'm 43. The joy she brings is indescribable and I am quite sure I did the right thing. It would be nice to have someone to share all of this with but we're quite alright for the moment.

Gosh I’m starting to feel quite lucky by comparison to some of these stories.

I met my ex at 34 and was with him for two years but as he had two children from a previous relationship he decided he definitely didn’t want anymore. So we split and I met DP online dating at 36. He was one year out of a 14 year relationship and we started dating. I had just turned 37 when I fell pregnant with our first child. Then after multiple losses we successfully had our second child at 40.

We’ve been together 7 years now and are very happy. We did fall pregnant at 42 but sadly that child was severely disabled so I had to have a termination. We are still TTC but I know theclikelyhood of success is something like 1% or something each cycle and I’ve found peace with this.

So although it hasn’t been plain sailing baby wise, relationship wise we have definitely found a soul mate on each other and we are engaged to be married sometime next year hopefully.

I feel like I should update this thread and reply to some of you even though it’s been a few months. That’s great that you’re now happy sleepFreeZone, and definitely MaryShelley1818. I’ve now been seeing someone I met on a blind date (the bloke I referenced in my last post) for 2 months, and things are going well. We’ve spoken about the future and have moved pretty quickly so far, I’d like for us to move in together after Christmas and he agrees. So I agree, things can change quickly. Maybe I haven’t jinxed myself and I have found the one.