Do you ever stop wanting answers from the XDH?

[anxiousanxiousness]

Just that really. My marriage ended relatively suddenly. He cheated. I kicked him out. He messed about with contact with DCs. He's being better now. I'm in a relationship now. But I still feel like there are unanswered questions - does he regret it? Does he feel guilty? I definitely don't want to be with him. But I feel like I'm lacking closure. The divorce is going through. But I still ask why? Even though I feel I'm better off now. Why? Why did he have to treat me like that? Why did he have to hurt my DCs that way? If he could go back, would he change it? Will I ever stop wondering these questions?

I think you'll just end up caring less about what the answers are - I have anyway. They are inconsequential to my life. He had his reasons and feels how he feels - don't let the answers you think you want define you.

You may never get the answers and what would it matter if you did anyway? Why would it make a difference to you? He could give lies as answers. Maybe he doesn't have the answers.

Accept what happened and where you are now and try and move forward the best you can

Look forward not backward! Everybody has questions they want answering and sometimes things are better left alone. You may just get a cop-out answer or an answer you don't want! Be thankful that you've met your new partner and are starting afresh (you may end up starting an issue between you two!) Just know there's nothing wrong with you and in the end some people are really just dickheads!

Maybe you could write a letter addressed to him asking him anything you want and destroy it, I've heard it's good to use this method!

I'm sure this is totally normal. I feel this way about my abusive ex even though we split years ago and I'm happy with someone else.

I want to know what made him do it. Whether he still thinks he wasn't to blame. Not because I care about him or want to be with him (the thought is repulsive!) But because I care about myself and I'm confused by it & want to know why that happened to me.

I would never ask though, you likely won't get the truth or the answers you want. I like the idea above of writing a letter and later destroying it. Perhaps try that and see if it gives you some peace.

I don’t think you’ll ever get the truth & could tie yourself up in knots for a long time. Just accept he couldn’t have been happy, as he wouldn’t have cheated. Good luck for the future, you deserve so much more, so don’t dwell on it

In the beginning I was full of questions, that didn’t get answered. Now it’s like a little niggle here and there. I would have liked answers but I will never get them. So when I occasionally get these thoughts I just push them out of my mind.

We split over 30 years ago when he had an affair with my friend. I have a new family. I would still like answers but what I really want is a simple apology. We do speak now but he has never apologised for the destruction he caused . Maybe on his deathbed!

I think the thing is op , they usually do these twatty things through opportunism and an ego boost , boredom and a bit of a thrill boost, it’s therefore hard if asked the whys and what’s because on reflection most of them genuinely ‘don’t know’ they did, because they could. I think huge amounts of men do still love their wives when doing this, they compartmentalise I feel better than most women and yes I think many hugely regret it but know they have blown it , so just move on to the next

anxiousnessanxiousness that you still want answers suggests that you haven't quite got over grieving for the end of your marriage. Have you talked about your feelings to someone - I mean really talked through all of them?

It took me years, partly because I didn't really deal with all my feelings. I just shut them all down & cracked on. That was 15 years ago. I've since had counselling and got it all out - even the really ugly stuff & I don't give a fig now what he thought, why he did what he did or what he does now.

Whatever your ex-H feels is irrelevant really and you'd probably never get the truth. It is what you feel and what you do that matters.

You might not want to know the answers anyway. My partner cheated because I ‘withheld sex’ from him. I did that because I felt terrible after I discovered an earlier affair and I just couldn’t feel the same about him. He also said I didn’t listen to him about his problems which isn’t true...

As you can see, you can end up in a bit of an unhelpful circle of blame. We’re seeing a counsellor which will hopefully allow us both to move on from it. I reckon if you feel you’re not able to stop thinking about the whys you could try counselling, to help you get closure.

A few years on and yes I have stopped wondering why. I don't care.. His behaviour since he left for ow has been so shockingly selfish that I think it tells me all I need to know. On one level it was a very simple, textbook affair borne out of 'is this it'? frustration with family life, right woman and right time and boom. And once he'd jumped there's no going back. I do think he didn't intend for things to end up as acrimonious as they are but he seems to deeply resent the fact that I've done OK since. I don't give a crap anymore and just focus on moving forward all the time.

Closure is internal not external, looking for them in your Ex still gives him way more power.

Ex assaulted me in front of DD, has subsequently terminated contactwith her, doesn’t pay maintenance and periodically his Mum tells me how broken he is (like I’m somehow responsible). In the aftermath he wrote me a letter basically saying he didn’t recognise the person who assaulted me, partly my fault etc. That was all I needed to know, whatever questions I had, he was not the person to answer them and that was my closure.

AgentJohnson that is so true. I never think about him now unless one of the DC brings something up in conversation. The only reason he has a good relationship with them as adults is because I made sure he continued to see them. I also thought it would piss the OW off as it would disrupt their very active social life! I guess I just want him to show some remorse for the way he disrupted our lives and left us in the mire financially. It was a fight to keep a roof over our heads and I had to have two jobs. I still feel guilty that I my kids had to spend so much time with friends or in childcare yet he was the one who walked out! For what it's worth the DC say they don't remember feeling neglected.

I still feel guilty that I my kids had to spend so much time with friends or in childcare.

Er, you mean you were in a crappy situation and by damn hard work and sheer bloddy determination you got you and your children out of it. Take your power back woman and stop framing what happened as him succeeding, he didn’t because that poor excuse for a human tried to ruin you but underestimated your fighting spirit and survival instinct.

That’s one hell of a kick ass female role model your kids have in you.

Rewrite your narrative, you don’ need his remorse, you are an important independent person in your own right and how he feels about his shitty behaviour towards you, is not your bloody concern.

I think it depends on how your marriage ended. Friend's husband walked out to another woman - just went awol; she still wonders about him after 5 years and seizes on any information about him.
My marriage stuttered to a close and I asked him to leave. I still feel slightly bad about it and would like to know that he's happy now, but am not curious about what he got up to when we together. He told me when we signed the financial papers that he'd lied during the marriage (about non-financial things), but I cba to ask what.

All I can say is my mum and dad divorced 9 years ago due to dads affair. Mum isn't over it. At all. She still speaks about it every day. I'm out in an extremely awkward position all the time. For example ds birthday - mum won't go if dads there etc etc.

She stalks the ow on fb all the time, has to know everything that's going on.

BUT I don't feel everyone is like this. My ex cheated, we've been separated 5 years and I couldn't care less about his personal life. I have no questions I wish to ask him. No 'whys' etc. I'm over it and only communicate with him when I need to regarding dcs.

My mum I feel needs counselling if I'm totally honest. But she won't even think about it as she's 'fine'.

So for me, it varies x

I certainly don't want any answers, I don't think anything that would come out of STBXH's mouth would be the truth anyway. I've had enough BS to last a lifetime already.

As far as I’m concerned I think I know enough. Similar situation as you OP, he confirmed he cheated with one OW but was trying with many others throughout our marriage. It makes me sad sometimes but there’s no point in dwelling, I’m getting my revenge by living a happier and better life without EXH.

Thank you AgentJohnson for the kick up the backside. You are right. The whole separation thing turned me into a very strong and independent woman.