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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has decided he wants to leave me

10 replies

Haneliz1 · 07/08/2018 19:45

Hi all, I’m new to this so please bear with me...., I’m 44 and have been married for 17 years. Two weeks ago my husband said he had had enough as we had an argument where I got angry with him and told him not to bother coming home as I was annoyed that he had gone out and couldn’t get hold of him and it was getting into the early hours. He stayed with a friend for 5 nights then came back and said nothing had changed but he wanted to come and help me. I have end stage kidney failure and am waiting to start dialysis so some days I can barely get out of bed, we also have 4 children. Due to depression he has hardly lifted a finger to go out to work and doesn’t seem to understand that we have bills to pay. We jointly made a decision for him to carry on living here but in separate rooms but I am finding it increasingly difficult to even function seeing him every day and desperately wanting everything to go back to normal but he has turned to stone and says there is no chance. I am clinging on to the hope that he will change his mind and am getting increasingly ratty with the children, struggle to eat and just curl into a ball in bed most of the time. How can a man who I adored even consider leaving me and our children when I am feeling so ill? He says he wants to help me but tonight he is staying at his friends again and drinking when he really shouldn’t be as he needs to be on standby should my phone ring to tell me that there is a transplant become available (I’m on the desperate waiting list). I feel so terribly alone. This has literally come out of the blue although my husband says he hasn’t felt happy for a while. Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
yummyeclair · 07/08/2018 19:48

Bumping

ProudThrilledHappy · 07/08/2018 19:50

No advice but Flowers As you clearly have a lot to deal with right now

22esmeweatherwax · 07/08/2018 20:03

So sorry to hear you are going through all this. Your DH is being a prize arse. I remember how dreadfully tiring life was for my DH before he started dialysis when our DC were very young. No way could I have treated him like your DH is treating you.

Sending you love and Flowers

No advice on how to deal with the twat I’m afraid.

ChristinaMarlowe · 07/08/2018 20:13

Hi OP. From reading your post I suspect that he's so terrified of losing you that he's pushing you away. That's how it sounds but that's just my opinion. I've seen it countless times when friends and family, what's your prognosis if you don't mind me asking? How old are your DC? Sending big hugs Thanks

Haneliz1 · 07/08/2018 20:25

My husband is 50 now and keeps saying that he has wasted the 18 years of our relationship and needs/wants a better life, the thought that he is having a mid life crisis has sprung to mind! My prognosis is not great, I have an auto immune disease which destroys the kidneys so will need to dialysis every night until a transplant is found but even then there is no guarantee that my new kidney won’t be attacked in the same way. My children are 16,12,8 and 6, I can’t bear to tell them anything yet as it will break my heart, I’ve had to recently quit my job too as was feeling so unwell so have to rely on my husband to pay for everything.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 07/08/2018 20:30

It sounds as though he is in denial. If he just closes his eyes and goes lalala it'll all go away. How old are the DC? And have you got family who can help? My DH had a kidney transplant and it lasted ten years, although I have heard of them lasting longer.

ChristinaMarlowe · 07/08/2018 20:40

OK so firstly another huge hug and I'm always here for a hand hold, secondly, in light of your reply, I think that it's more than possible that he's just very scared so is distancing. Horrible for you but he's only human. Is he the type to agree to couples/family therapy or grief counseling?

As an aside - please tell your children's schools (especially the older ones) as there is a lot of support for them when you ARE ready to tell them. It's what I do (secondary grammar) and is easy to access and very well geared to age group.

Is his behaviour/attitude very recent? Was it a sudden or more gradual change?

Haneliz1 · 07/08/2018 21:55

It has totally come out of the blue to be honest, to me anyway, yes, things haven’t always been brilliant, I’ve been so ridiculously tired that the housework has begun to slip and I’ve not been interested in sex really, this has all been blamed on me. I just don’t know what to do, all I keep thinking about is all of our happy times but my self esteem has plummeted to the floor.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 08/08/2018 18:11

You need support and unfortunately you can not rely on H for that support right now. This is the time that you and your children will need friends and family, so that’s where you need to focus your energies.

Hugs to you.

MarchingOrders · 08/08/2018 18:21

You're going through a lot. He sounds like a nasty man tbh.
Why do so many men think they can just walk away from their families and start again like it's their right to do so ? It's fucking gross.
I would be telling your children, they can support you in this. Obviously not bitching to them about him but they can tell when you're upset and I think you're due lots of cuddles. I'm so sorry you're iIl. Thanks

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