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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is not going to end well.... Trigger warning

19 replies

BeenThereDone · 07/08/2018 19:33

There was a work colleagues birthday party on Friday. Now as a group of colleagues we are pretty close, as in know each others partners, some family members, been to each other homes.. Birthdays, deaths marriages, very close. Even when people leave, we all go out regularly. We are a strange bunch, all colours, religions, ethnic backgrounds, ages etc.....

Now an ex colleague was at the party (I wasn't as I was ill) and a great night was had by all apparently and there were drinks after the bar closed in Birthday colleagues house.
Next day excoll calls me to chat, wanting to come over, had a feeling something was wrong. She came over and said a relative of Birthday colleague had sexually attacked her. Yesterday she went to the police and has made a formal statement, rape kit done etc.... Horrible for her, she's devastated.

Now I still work with the birthday colleague and there were some other colleagues there that night and there is alot of confusion as to what went on. Nobody seems to be standing up for this girl. I've heard alot of talk of how she was dressed, how drunk she was, how she flirted and it was said right to her that she basically shouldn't behave in a certain way as it looks like she was asking for it.... I am appalled at these comments and most of them coming from other women....

Now I'm the one she came to with this and am stuck with the fall out at work even though I was not there.. I know this is not about me, I do and I want to and am supporting my friend but I don't want to fall out with people I work with and also consider good friends.... Help

OP posts:

Slimmingsnake · 07/08/2018 19:40

You think they are good friends? She probably thought they were to ...if you were her..what support help would be greatful of? Poor girl you seem more concerned with with the nasty comments than the fact a friend of yours was raped.

Original poster

BeenThereDone · 07/08/2018 19:57

No I am just appalled at the nasty comments... I am 100% supporting her and the first question I asked her while giving her a hug was did she want to go to the police and asked every day since.... They were really really good friends and we have all met this relative before...

OP posts:

CantankerousCamel · 07/08/2018 20:12

slimming what an awful and pointless comment.

OP I would say vague things like ‘I don’t think it makes any difference how people are dressed, nobody asks for rape’

And just help your friend. What a poor woman.

ClemDanfango · 07/08/2018 20:18

Call them out on their victim blaming bullshit, no woman who is sexually assaulted is responsible for the behaviour of the perpetrator. No means no and that’s the end of it, she could be doing naked cartwheels down the street and no man has he the right to rape her! I’d be getting very angry with these ‘friends’ if I was you, fuck them and their feelings tell them straight and mean it.

ASAS · 07/08/2018 20:25

What a reminder of why women report assault.

Well done OP. Pretty telling that she came to you for help and I'm glad she has someone like you. Xx

ASAS · 07/08/2018 20:26

*don't

DrMorbius · 07/08/2018 20:34

OP I would say vague things like ‘I don’t think it makes any difference how people are dressed, nobody asks for rape fuck that, tell the bunch of Neanderthals no woman who is sexually assaulted is responsible for the behaviour of the perpetrator. No means no and that’s the end of it, she could be doing naked cartwheels down the street and no man has he the right to rape her!

Original poster

BeenThereDone · 07/08/2018 20:40

Thanks MN... She was also blaming herself... I told her I don't care how drunk, flirty or doing the cha cha naked around that bar, no means no... End of. She has been so brave reporting it and at police station all night, poor love.
I am sick and disgusted by what some people are saying about her and have stood ground. And I can be professional and courteous but fucking hell.... There was murder a couple of months ago when somebody had a go at a young colleague, bullying and such and they were brought to task... Not by management I might add but by the group. But this!!?! Victim blaming?!?! I am so fucking angry

OP posts:

Original poster

BeenThereDone · 07/08/2018 20:43

Here's the thing..... These comments are coming from the women.. And that's the most shocking thing to both of us.... How? Why?

OP posts:

peanutbutterclusters · 07/08/2018 20:57

so disgusting that still in this day an age the victim is to blame. I think the main thing you need to do is be there for your friend, even if that means calling out your other VERY sexist and close minded colleagues/ CUNTS. is there a HR department you can speak to as i think its extremely inappropriate for these sensitive conversations to be happening in a workplace. sending my thoughts to your friend

Shambu · 07/08/2018 21:28

I've heard alot of talk of how she was dressed, how drunk she was, how she flirted and it was said right to her that she basically shouldn't behave in a certain way as it looks like she was asking for it.... I am appalled at these comments and most of them coming from other women

Tell them they ignorant victim-blaming fuckwits.

I'm surprised you (anyone) would be close to people with this mentality tbh.

category12 · 07/08/2018 21:33

These comments are coming from the women.. And that's the most shocking thing to both of us.... How? Why?

I think it's a kind of self preservation thing - if it's something she did wrong, then it can't happen to me because I don't behave like that. If you see what I mean. Also, internalised misogyny.

dragonflyflew · 08/08/2018 01:22

I fucking hate people sometimes. Nobody wants to accept that they know a violent abuser so it's easier to blame the victim.

Cunts.

NotTheFordType · 08/08/2018 01:44

Here's the thing..... These comments are coming from the women.. And that's the most shocking thing to both of us.... How? Why?

2 reasons.

Magical thinking. "If I never wear a short skirt/drink/flirt/exist as a woman, I will never be raped! Yay!"
Normalisation. "Oh for goodness sake, this happened to me in 1980 and everyone told me it was my own fault. So I called it "bad choices on my part", "he took advantage" and other mealy-mouthed phrases. Because to own my rape for what it was is far too fucking scary to contemplate. So instead I will throw other victims under the bus."

GnomeDePlume · 08/08/2018 05:27

NotTheFordType that is very true.

I will add a third:

trying to maintain the 'pack'. We are social animals, it is in our DNA to keep the pack together. Having something happen which damages the pack makes us all less 'safe'. Better to push out the 'disruptor'.

Rebecca36 · 08/08/2018 05:33

She would hardly be likely to report a rape if she wasn't raped. The truth will out.

It's a pity everyone at work knows about this including your involvement. Far better if it had been kept private for as long as possible.

Ignore the stupid, ignorant comments and refuse to discuss the matter.

Thank goodness she had you to confide in.

1moreRep · 08/08/2018 05:43

try and support her to go to the support networks like RASA etc, be there for her anger, dispair and then the nothingness.

Also be aware that there is a huge chance this may not get past the cps so don't talk about a day in court as if it's a given.

Share moments of normal conversation with her, jokes and still confide in her like the friend she is

Thatsfuckingshit · 08/08/2018 06:09

I always drill into my daughter, about the dangers of getting drunk. Because we live in an area where every year several drunk people fall in the river and die. I worry she will get drunk and it will happen to her, or she will wander into the road etc. I will do the same as my son grows up, he is still her young.

I should not have to worry that if she gets drunk she will be raped and then blamed for it. It's fucking ridiculous and I get the pack behaviour or wanting to think it can't happen to you. But, the fact is that it can happen to anyone and until we all accept that, it will always end in some victim blaming. I still can't believe people are spouting the same victim blaming shit.

One person is responsible for a person being raped. And it's the rapist.

Original poster

BeenThereDone · 08/08/2018 08:57

She has been to RASA and is not expecting much as far as him being charged or anything. It kills me to think she did the right thing and is being lambasted. To go through that, go through all the tests, questions, risk losing some of your closest friends. There is no good earthly reason she is lying.... Now not everyone knows just a handful of people who were there and myself.
I am trying to get her out, walking the mutts or movies... Normal everyday... I can be quite blunt and she finds it funny so me describing what I'm going to do to that like no balls cowardly cunt faced little prick... Has made her smile..
She is upset about her so called friends though and I am a bit myself but then..who needs those kind of people in your life when you are at your lowest, they don't just kick you. They come and trample on you.

OP posts:

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