older children and splitting up

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

Hi all. Long post alert.

I've posted on a couple of threads recently but don't want to be hijacking so starting my own. Summary of my story is;
With H for 23 years, married 16, 2 DC (20 and 17)
"Happy" until last 4 or 5 years
Underlying resentment (from me) probably since just before we got married – various reasons but all mainly due to feeling he prioritises friends/other people’s partners over me
Last 3 years or so - I have been using alcohol as a crutch to deal with unhappiness in relationship and block out childhood abuse. Didn't drink on my own (strangely enough) but binge drinker in company
H "warned" me about my drinking over past few years but also told me he didn't want me to stop - just to cut down - and that some of our best times involved alcohol - also our social circle are all massive drinkers. To avoid drip feed – kids have seen me drunk, I have slapped H twice during arguments and I fully admit to being horrendous at times – maybe a dozen times or so over the last 2 – 3 years.

After another heated discussion about my unhappiness and that he does not (he says he cannot) give me what I want (love, affection, show an interest in me, try new things etc) we decided to split. He moved in with a friend but then we wanted to try again – too much to give up, great life, holidays, house, social circle etc. It seemed to be going ok to begin with – going on dates, still having sex – then he suddenly said “I can’t do this anymore. I love you but am not in love with you and I don’t think I will ever get those feelings back”. I was devastated and wanted us to try counselling but he said it wouldn’t make any difference.

Situation is now about 4/5 weeks later. He is living with his friend and I am in the house with DC. Things becoming more frosty between me and H basically because I am not just letting him make all the decisions about how things are going to be from now on. He has moved out with most of his clothes etc but the majority of his other stuff remains. He is letting himself in and going for baths which I am not comfortable with. Also has changed a few things on the bank account with out asking me first. I am also 99.9% sure there is an OW (emotional affair at the moment most likely) but cannot prove it (I don’t feel I need “proof” as I feel I can tell from his actions that I just know it is the case and friends also agree due to his recent strange behaviour). But this is my issue………

DD (17) is not happy with him because he texts DS (20) to do stuff but not her. H claims he “forgot” to text her about an event this week and thought DS would say to her – he texted DS (H does not communicate any of this to me). H is also acting completely normally at family events – we used to go to FILs every week for dinner and H is still arranging it, and inviting our friends along, party atmosphere etc and DD thinks this will make me sad and I am “left out”.

I have had a full and frank discussion with DC about my drinking (completely stopped now), have apologised for my past mistakes and am determined to make it up to them. DC appear to have accepted this and DD in particular has told me to forgive myself and that I am “still a brilliant mum”. But H seems to think that because it was my fault (because of the drinking) that he left that somehow I should be seen as “the bad one”. DD and H had a terse text conversation today which ended with them falling out completely and him texting me to say “so I take it I am the bad one now” and “I don’t deserve this”. I’ve not responded.

I’ve very deliberately not got involved with any mud slinging or bad mouthing H in front of DC and I have frequently stated to both DC that this is a period of adjustment, that their dad loves them and that it would take time but we would all be fine. H does not seem to understand that even though they are older, their worlds have completely changed and DD is taking it bad. She’s talking about what will happen if H gets another woman/family etc. DS is very introverted and will not say any of this but is bound to be thinking about it. DS will also agree to anything to avoid an argument/bad feeling.

I know DD misses her dad and is looking for him to reach out to her, show he wants to see her etc and I don’t want her to be any sadder than she needs to be given the marriage break down. They’ve never had a great relationship (his parenting style is one of the things that I have been unhappy about) so its arguably even more important that H gets this right.

But I don’t know how much I should get involved??? Anyone offer any advice or insight???
Thanks if you have managed to read this far.

sorry - a mega long post - is there anyone can read through it and offer advice??? thanks

If you and your H do end up splitting up (it sounds like this is still uncertain, as you were "trying again" as recently as 4/5 weeks ago), then you will have to step back to a certain extent and let DD and her Dad figure out their own relationship. After all she's 17, not a child any more.

Of course, it will be easier for everyone if you and H can manage to have an amicable split. It's great that you're trying not to badmouth H in front of the DC's. Maybe you could reply to H's text something like "No you're not the bad guy, I'm not either, hopefully we can try to stop blaming each other and move forward"? Encourage DD to talk to her Dad in person / on the phone as texts can be misinterpreted.

Well done for stopping drinking

Thanks Cherub. I really want to help DD but I have the feeling that anything I do at the moment could be misinterpreted.

I've spent 20 years plus with H minimising/hiding my feelings so I don't want to be saying to DD "your dad loves you, he doesn't mean it" etc as to me that is teaching her that her views/feelings are not valid. But if I tell her she's right to be annoyed (he does leave her out) then it looks like I am slating him.

Its bloody hard.

It is sad that your ex is not keeping up contact with your children. If I were you I would spend a short time prompting him 're contact,say six months of texts saying " x wants a text from you "

After that I'm afraid it's up to him, and if he has nothing to offer, that is the horrid reality that you will be left to deal with. You can't make an ex care.

Thanks caring. I think in his own way he does care - but he just seems to always make it about him. He wants me to be seen as the bad one and cannot understand that our DC have forgiven me - probably because despite the drinking episodes I still did everything for them, told them they were loved on a daily basis, how proud I was of them etc etc. he doesn't do any of that.

I'm actually quite sad thinking about how little love he has shown them and that I didn't do anything about it years ago. We had a argument conversation a couple of years back about DS exam results and I said H needed to let DS know he loved him and was proud of him. H response was "but I'm not proud of him, his results are crap" that sort of thing. DS is a wonderful and lovely young man who I am immensely proud of - ok so he's not the most outgoing, but he is an empathic, sensitive, caring, responsible young man. He's done very well at college and will be going to University later this year.