Divorcing but getting along better!

[TooYoungToBeSoTired]

H and I are splitting. I’m moving out tomorrow. The reason is he has a massive anger management issue and takes it all out on me. We have massive arguments over nothing. He was becoming increasingly controlling and mysoginistic. No kids, 30 yrs old. He promised to seek help and change so many times and it just got worse. So I ended it.

Due to finances, I couldn’t move out immediately. So we’ve been living together for a month and we’re getting along brilliantly!!! WTF???!!! I know I need to end it but I’m starting to forget why. He’s gone back to being the nice guy I married and he seems genuine. He really says he’s changed and seem heartbroken. Please hold my hand.

It doesn’t help that I just went to pick up the keys to my new flat and it’s a disaster. Tenants left it in an awful condition. I just want to cry and go back to him!!!

He is being nice because you are leaving.

You are probably more relaxed because you see the other side.

If you stay it will just go back to what it was.

its because you are going.. he will go back to being the same arse hole as before. Move out.. you'll soon see

If he has anger issues then he probably struggles a lot with emotion and sees things very much in black and white - he knows the end is coming, it's done, therefore no emotion is needed; therefore, no anger.

For your part, you've spent so long in the default mode of walking on eggshells that you have learned to depend on his mood in order to dictate your own - you've forgotten how to handle real emotion, because you've had to bury it down. He is the natural remover of this, not because he helps, but his presence forces you to swallow it so that outwardly, you're not suffering anymore. You literally paint a brave face on it, for him. So it's natural to want to cling on - perhaps also subconsciously you're also hoping for a more human, comforting reaction from him.

Your emotions will hit you like a ton of bricks - he's not there to provide the barrier any more.

Thanks, you guys have probably nailed it. It’s just so hard to walk away from what seemed like a perfect life. Take away his angry, violent outbursts, and we had everything going for us. I’m now back at square one, like a student, living in a studio, renting, having to date again. It’s so disheartening. Difference is I’m older and with less free time on my hands. All he had to do was seek some counselling and act like a decent human being instead of using me as his emotional punch bag.

I thought I’d be feeling happy and relieved and I feel scared and angry. With myself, him, the world.

And everyone else thinks he’s the nicest man in the world. He has this gift of making himself look like the nice guy and I come across as a total bitch, usually because he would yell at me for something totally random right before leaving the house for an important event. I spent so many dinners and parties fighting back the tears and trying to figure out what happened while he’s all smiley and charming.

I feel enormous guilt because what if this really is it? He’s actually changed and I’m leaving regardless? He says he’s a changed man and wants me back. He says I can move out and he will wait for me if I want to come back at any point. He’s actually comforting me!!!

His misogynistic views haven't changed in the last month.

He's playing good to create doubt and it's working.

If you like, stay where you are while sorting out the flat without telling him. He will be back to his old self within a week, and you will have somewhere to go.

I promise you this will happen.

I’m in my new flat now and crying incontrollably while trying to unpack. This is rhe hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m wondering whether I threw in the towel too soon .

He says he’s scared of therapy and I promised I would go with him to hist first session for support, he just needs to book it in but he won’t!!! Aaaargh

TooYoung - THEY DO NOT CHANGE - what bloody miracle has occurred that he’s changed? It’s a wish you have but he isn’t going to do it.
Is he like this with anyone else - NO
Do others think he’s charming - lovely - your lucky to have him - YES
They don’t show their shit to anyone else.
Off course you want to be hopeful - it could be great if they didn’t get angry.
Sadly this is who they are.
I’m sure he’s refused previous offers to get help?
If HE wants to change then he needs to seek help for himself.
It would be good for you to do The Freedom Programme - you can do it on line or in a group. You can search it up.
Has he hit you?
I wasted years hoping he would change. I was always hopeful - but it didn’t happen.
I’m sorry - it will be tough for a while - but do not go back unless he’s attended therapy for a good 6 months and has worked on his deep rooted issues.
Also look up and buy Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.
🌺

Thank you, Mary. You all have no idea what your words mean. I know what I have to do and I know he won’t change. 8 years and more ultimatums than I can count. I actually lost a previous job because of him. He would scream at me until 2 am, call me at work, I ended up being a horrible mess and couldn’t do my job. I got a new job and the same thing started to happen - that’s what triggered the move. My mother thinks he’s only happy when I screw up, he loves jumping in to help me.

Thankyou - mine first hit me on top of my head as he thought I was ignoring him - I was only married for 3 months and pregnant- with hindsight and if I had my time over again (with what I know now) I would have left. I stayed for another 9 years.
They addle your brain - they wear you down and you get so confused.
On a Saturday he would take our son out - it used to take me 3 hours from when he’d gone to me recovering from his shit!!
You will feel a pull to go back with him - but it maybe best to block him as they know how to manipulate you with their sorrys and puppy dog eyes!!
I can’t look my ex in the eye now - he makes me sick. Professing to love me and treating me like that.
Threatening to kill me and emotionally torturing me for three hours till I went to bed flinching!!!
He wants to be friends - FUCK OFF.
I have a child but we have limited contact and keep civil for our son.
You really don’t need to see him - don’t go back to the house and meet him in a public place.
Some of us want to save these men - we can’t.
Have you good friends and family you can talk too.
I did used to feel shame - that I’d put up with it - but I realised it’s not my shame - it’s his.
Take care.