Help, I need some advice :-(

[trigger2]

Hi
I’m looking for a bit of advice as I’m finding things hard just now.

This is a condensed version -
Early last Spring (2017) I discovered my husband was having an affair. He broke all contact with her, we went to counselling for some time, and both decided that we wanted a future together. Hubby was suicidal at what he’d done and the effect that it had.

Several months later he got the chance to work abroad so we saw this as a fresh start. We’ve been in Spain for nearly a year now and his job is going well, he is very settled.

However I am not, neither is our 16yo son.

I knew before we moved that my job as such doesn’t exist here, but I didn’t realise how much I would miss it.

So I’ve had a tax rebate, not a lot, a couple of hundred. My first thoughts ? Escape money to book flights back for my son and I.

I’ve made the mistake of mentioning how I feel to my old boss, whom I’m still friends with, and she would definitely take me back.

Our house is still for sale so technically I have somewhere to go.

I’ve tried explaining to hubby how unhappy I am. He asks me to justify why and what it is that I don’t like here. It’s not a case of me not liking it - it’s just I’d rather go back. Yes I’m aware that part of this maybe through rose tinted glasses. He tells me to wait another year and that I will feel better.

I’ve felt like this since Christmas and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to run away from our marriage as such, but I need to feel happier.

Help, any advice welcome :-(

Thanks x

Maybe you went through a period of hysterical bonding but don't actually now the dust has settled want to be with your husband? I have moved countries, my choice though, I felt settled immediately and felt it was my home - this isn't how you feel is it?

You get one shot at this life.
It can be a short one.
Live it how you want to.
Live it how you are happiest.
If you want to come back then come back.
Your DS also wants to come back.
Stop sacrificing yourselves for your cheating husband and do what you need to do!

You could compromise by going back for three months. If you miss your husband and the life in Spain return. He may surprise you and return home to be with you within the three months.

Trial run at home 3 months, but don't bother going back to Spain at end of it.

Think of D's and yourself, as your DH likely wasn't when he had an affair. Sorry,but comments such as him being suicidal at what he had done....he likely wasn't forced into it!! I bet he wasn't too upset at the time.

Look after yourself and your D's right now x

Seems like he feels he's displayed enough "sorry" and now he can go back to being the selfish arse he always was. You don't need his permission to come back. You don't need to justify your unhappiness.

Yeah, agree with what's been posted ^^. What he's really been suicidal about was a deflecting strategy that even he hadn't factored in when he was discovered. He's gone full pelt into the extreme end of the response spectrum. My S-IL does extreme melt-down episodes when he isn't coping emotionally. After 5yrs I'm starting to understand his condition.

Go with the 3month trial and see how you feel. Then move forward from there.

I would come home like a shot. Let your 16yo decide what he wants to do, once you've made it clear that you'd fund his return ticket and put a roof over his head if he opted to join you. Are there other DCs?

I would just go home. it will just end up in resentment otherwise.

Go home.

It was brave of you to try living abroad but if it's not working out for you then absolutely you should at least go home for a little while, just to see if it is a 'grass is greener' scenario or not.

Go home.

You've given it over a year. Neither you nor your son have settled. Tbh I'd go home. The house is there, your job is there. Go home and see how you feel. Either you'll want to stay or you'll start pining to go back.

If you aren't working in Spain what have you got to lose? It's not like you are giving up a job to come back by the sounds of it? If your son is 16 that's college age. Has he done gcse type exams? Does he want to go to College in Spain? What are his plans? You need to consider him as well. Over the summer and before a new academic year is the idea time to make the move back.

You gave it a go. However, I'd go home and back to your work and life. If things end up not working out with your husband you'll be in a foreign country dependant on him, no job and no house back home.

I’d go home.

I wouldn’t be putting husband’s job before my child’s and my happiness.

I’d go home and take it one day at a time from there. He could always follow you. Why is it down to you to be where he is, and not the other way round?

Thank you all for your advice.

Yesterday I had a talk with a friend here then last night I talked to my husband. He read it as I was going to leave him. I said I’m trying to make you see how much I & DS want to go back but you’re not listening. This seemed to shock him into realisation that it’s an option for me. We’ll talk more later on.

Thanks for all the support, it’s what I needed. Time to put me first xx

Go home. You don’t have to justify your decision. If you don’t like it, haven’t settled and want to return home, that’s enough reason to do so.

I have worked internationally for many years and often see “trailing spouses” who are well educated career women who suddenly find themselves with nothing to do as they can’t work in their host country.
It is awful, and a lot of them struggle to re-enter the workforce when they repatriate.
I would go home, plus you also need to consider your dc in this. Hopefully you are aware of the requirements for residency of (usually) 2 years prior to university for domestic fees?
Is he really worth giving up your career house/family &friends for, esp the finally after what happened last year? 🤔
All in all, Spain is no distance and flights are cheap. If you are both as committed as he thinks you are then it shouldn’t be a problem, certainly at least until your dc is off to uni or where ever they choose in a couple of year’s time.

Thank you both 🤗

We’ve talked again today and I have asked him to contact the counsellor we saw. He has her details and she can do a skype session. He thinks this is a good idea.

I told him that I feel almost as if I have to sacrifice my happiness (& sons) because he is happy and that feels to me as if that is the most important thing. He assured me that’s not the case and he wants me to be happy too. I guess we just want different things at present.

The suggestion he had was that we look at moving to an area with more expats & more job opportunities. To be honest that doesn’t bother me that much as I can speak spanish. I keep think I just want to go back.

Hopefully things will be a little clearer, one way or another, when we speak to the counsellor x