My brother is so abusive to me, what to do?

[SafariMum]

Hi Ladies
I get abused via messages from my only brother, he has mental health issues, personality disorder, addiction, and is a compulsive liar according to his Dr who he refuses to see now. He is vulnerable abd had a hard life, and at times very nice then sends a rampage of abuse, then acts like nothing happened, occasionally says sorry. Ive tried ignoring him, distanced myself many years from him, nothing helps, he has stolen from me once as well, that was years ago. Here's an example, I don't think telling him where to go will help, he can get really low, don't know how to respond:

You never fckn listen! You are a beast of a woman, your a selfish fake pathetic creature. And you have the guts to call me a liar! Sort ur head out, you are not real, you ain't nothing. You've been a pathetic liar all your life. Don't you think you should stop lying now you old woman! Leave me alone, I don't want anything to do with you, until you ring me and be a proper sister to me. I know I don't mean shit to you.

Why not cut him out of your life completely, change your mobile number, move if you have to and not tell him where you have moved to. Nobody should put up with that.

Block his number, simple.

I feel bad and guilty if I completely cut him out, it makes me sad to just leave him out completely, because I tell myself he's like that because he's suffering, and will be worse off if cut out.

It's clear that he is suffering, yes, but he doesn't seem to be doing a great deal about it. There is no law that says we have to endure this kind of behaviour from relatives. Change your number and distance yourself as much as you can from his bullying behaviour. His mental wellbeing is not your responsibility.

Unfortunately your choices are limited.

Either put up with it and continue damaging yourself.

Or cut him out of your life and protect yourself.

You can't fix his issues, you can't save him, you can't make him seek treatment.

I know it's not easy to make this decision, but your options are limited and this will continue until you find the strength to walk away .

for you

What was the conversation up to that message? It suggests he wants you to not contact him.

Is he receiving any help from mental health services? There are specialist teams that help people who are resistant to help, but getting a referral may be very difficult due to all the cuts in mental health funding.

Thank you ladies I know you are right, hard to accept.
Should I reply, what should I say?

Don't reply, just block him, would be my advice.

It is not your fault your brother is the ways he is; you still cannot rescue or save him. He is simply projecting his own self onto you.

Many people have hard lives and or are otherwise vulnerable but they do not choose to abuse others. Your brother refuses to take any responsibility for his choices and actions.

Deal with your feelings of obligation and guilt here through counselling as well. He probably still contacts you as well because you're likely the last one left to who either bothers at all with him and gives him an audience.

Where are your parents in all this?.

As the preivous poster has correctly written you either put up with his nonsense or you walk away from it completely. By walking away you are saying no more to his abusing you. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, a relation is no different.

No do not reply to him but block him; to such people the response is the reward and thus furthering contact.

Do not reply, just block.

If his mental health is in such a state, I’d be tempted to go low contact. Enough to keep an eye on him through family and friends but not enough to agitate him. So no, I wouldn’t reply to his message.

Try not to take it personally. Harder said than done. If you look through then lense of his poor MH and try to let his words wash over you, perhaps they won’t seem so personal.

No need to reply.
Just block him.
Please look after yourself.

You need to protect yourself. No contact. Don't respond. Delete him, block him.

Disconnecting from him is not you being mean. Disconnecting from him is a response to his intolerable behavior. It is not mentally healthy for you to be in contact with him. Protect your mental health.

Look after yourself first because unless you do, you can't look after others. Its time to put a stop to this abuse not only for your own mental health, but for your brothers too.
If you temporarily stop contact, stop the abuse and establish boundaries that he's not allowed to step over, you're not only protecting yourself, you're establishing structures, rules, boundaries that he has to respect if he wants a relationship with you.
Seize back some control OP. You have the fundamental human right to a life without abuse.

Please be careful, I have an acquaintance who had similar issues with her brother, who had severe mental health issues. She continued contact, putting up with a great deal of abuse, due to guilt over the awful experiences that contributed to his mental health issues.

Unfortunately, her brothers mental health deteriorated, culminating in his kidnapping her, physically assaulting her and threatening to kill her (holding a knife to her neck). He has since been institutionalised and due to her own trauma, she has finally gone no contact. Unfortunately abuse tends to escalate, as contact has continued, it is likely that your brother may escalate as he thinks that you will not challenge his abuse.

That is horrific poor woman.
I do think my brother is capable of hurting me, he has lots of convictions for violent offences. He has grabbed me by throat once, tapped his head on mine as if the headbut me, and hit me in the middle of my back to push me out of his way.
Our parents are not alive and he says as the older one I should've helped him get his life together, which usually means giving him large amounts he of money to set up a business, which he is not capable of. He has 2 yrs rent arrears and despite how he has been to me I can't bear the thought of him because by homeless on the steeet, but would never have him in my home.