Struggling to let my husband know when he could have handled a situation differently

[tigercub50]

This could also go in Parenting but I wasn’t sure. DH is finding it hard to bond with DD9. Sometimes he can “ lay the law down” & it just makes things worse. I really don’t mean to criticise but I wanted to tell him that the way he sometimes speaks to her isn’t necessary ( he is very quick to point out when I am not behaving like an adult). He gets on the defensive straight away & then has a go at me for saying the same thing over & over. I know I can go on a bit but it’s because he gets defensive & then I feel he’s not really accepting what I say so I try to make my point again. We are very supportive of each other generally & it frustrates me that I am trying to help him see that it’s not just DD9 always causing the problems. He can get quite childish as well. How can I get my point across without him seeing everything as a personal attack?

Anyone?

Bump

Buy a parenting book such as this:www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/dp/B00APJOY3A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-3328966-Struggling-to-let-my-husband-know-when-he-could-have-handled-a-situation-differently" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/dp/B00APJOY3A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 and suggest that you both read it and then discuss? Does your school or a local church hall etc host parenting classes that you could go to together?

Sometimes it takes an outsider to make the suggestion/give the advice that you want to give or may have already given numerous times before the person will listen and not feel "attacked" - no matter how irrational that might be.

Maybe try a more oblique approach - instead of saying "I think you could this differently" ask him a question. "What is the outcome you would like to see with DD". Then "How do you think you could achieve that?" If his way of achieving it is "Tell her xyz", just keep asking questions that will, hopefully, steer him into thinking differently about his approach.

"If you tell her xyz, how do you think she might react? Do you think she might get upset or cross?"

"Is there another way of broaching it with DD that might not make her upset or cross?"

Of course this would only work if he was prepared to really think about the issue and be open to new suggestions.

I always start by saying (along the lines of) i've been thinking how best to deal with DS temper when this (situation) happens. Do you think XYZ might work or ABC...... this tends to lead on to discussing DS between us and talking about ways to action together rather than aiming it all at him.

Bump

How can I get my point across without him seeing everything as a personal attack?

The problem is unlikely to be how you say it but the fact you’re saying it i.e. challanging him. Some people can not hear criticism and will attack anyone dares to, in order silence them.

He has very low self esteem so I think he sees what I say as just adding to his list of failings, although I would never dream of calling him a failure. It’s just so frustrating because DH gets so upset about his relationship with DD yet he could make it better by changing a couple of things. We have all got into bad habits actually with how we speak to each other & how reactive we are. Hopefully family therapy will address these issues & help us to live together more harmoniously 🙂