I have never done this before but feel like I need some independent advice. I’ve spoken to friends and family and they are sympathetic and say don’t worry you’re strong you’ll get through this but I don’t feel strong and I don’t know how to get through it.
My fiancé left me last week. We’ve been together over 4 years and have a 5 month old son. I have 2 other kids from a previous relationship also which my fiancé was great with, they considered him their stepdad.
We have had some trust issues throughout our relationship. They started at the beginning when I found he was in contact with an ex and other girls through social media. He also lied about stupid stuff like his whereabouts on nights out. The trust thing has never fully been resolved as it always came up if we fell out about other stuff but overall we were happy, or I thought we were. We were affectionate, told each other I love you and spent time together without the kids. The trust thing came up again most recently when I was around 6 months pregnant and found he’d googled his ex. He said it was boredom/curiosity. I told him I wanted to leave but he asked me to stay for our family and I did. We split up briefly (a day) when our baby was a month old because the issue about googling his ex came up again. I think I’d parked it because I was pregnant and I needed to speak about it. He admitted he’d been sat next to me on the sofa when he did it and that broke my heart. We spoke about it all and agreed to get the trust back we needed to forget about everything that had happened before, draw a line and move on. We said we needed to communicate more if things bothered us. I agreed I needed to work on trusting him. He said splitting up would never come from him. Since then (March) things have been better on that front. We’ve had little arguments about other stuff but nothing major and we’ve been planning for the future, booked a holiday, planned an adults only trip next year and looked at moving house.
Last week we were watching tv in the evening and I felt he was on his phone a lot and was clearly messaging. He’s always on his phone but normally he’ll talk about what he’s doing if speaking to friends or reading something on social media. Something just felt off but I tried to put it out of my mind and didn’t say anything. The next day I was struggling fighting against my insecurities and the fact we said we would draw a line. At night he asked me if everything was okay, we said we’d say if something was bothering us so I told him how I was feeling. He became very defensive and said there was nothing in it. I said fine and referenced how we said we would talk to each other. Later that night I went to bed, he was still unhappy so I messaged him saying I was sorry for bringing it up. He replied saying it was over. I asked why and he said he doesn’t love me anymore, has been forcing himself to be with me for months, he is done trying to make the relationship work and isn’t happy.
I begged him to give us another chance but he refused and has moved out the next day, initially to a hotel but is now staying with family.
I just don’t understand why when I’ve given him chances previously he’s not prepared to do the same and has completely closed the door on us. He won’t even consider trying and refuses now to talk about it. I have messaged trying to get answers and asking him to talk but he just ignores me.
Things have been tough with having a new baby too. I feel he leaves most of that to me, he’s never done an overnight feed for example. He saw our baby for a few hours at the weekend, hasn’t said anything about stepkids. Things were very strained but civil when he came to collect our baby. When he dropped him back I expected a conversation around when he wanted to see him next but all I got was ‘okay thanks’. I have heard nothing from him since and I’m forcing myself to be strong and not contact him. Partly because I won’t humiliate myself again and partly because everyone says give him space but meantime I’m left with all the responsibilities we shared.
I just don’t know where to go from here. I want us to be together and work but don’t know how to accept he doesn’t. I thought we were happier but he said he wasn’t but never told me until now. Why would he let me book and pay for a family holiday, talk about and look at new homes, be intimate and tell me he loved me if he was unhappy and having to force himself to be with me? Surely I would have seen some sign. I know people fall out of love but the timing of his choosing to walk away from his family feels shameful.
I moved to his town when we moved in together. It’s a small town and I have no real friends or family here. I’ve thought about moving back but my kids lives are well established here and my eldest is about to start high school so I don’t think the upheaval of moving would be fair to them. I split from their dad when they were young and I’m really concerned how another failed relationship might affect them.
I think I’ve rambled enough now, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks