Constant Conflict.

[Brickwall42]

Hi everyone,
I’m really needing some advice. I’m at the end of my tether. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We both have children from previous relationships. None together. God I don’t know where to start...
When we met he was the most loving and caring person ever but I always noticed he had a very pushy side. He’s very opinionated and he’s always right. If you tell him he’s wrong he’ll go to every length to show you he’s not. I feel as if he hasn’t felt important in the past, or listened to, or laughed at, possibly mocked, as a child or in previous relationships. Every single thing we do or talk about is an argument. To the point that I’m screaming and shouting at him and crying with frustration. ( I suffer from depression and anxiety ) I have issues from my own past. Childhood included. I’m far from perfect, but I know what a relationship should be like and what shouldn’t be like. Ive been through domestic violence too. My partner never raises a hand to me though and I can trust him 100%, which is a very big thing for me. I know he’s loyal to me. And I know deep down he doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. But now he’s making me hate him. I cannot take the constant arguing anymore. He would rather be right and risk falling out over it, instead of admitting he’s wrong. He’s constantly defensive, constantly. He can’t take a joke being on him either. When I’ve tried to explain things to him, to get through to him, he doesn’t get it. If I’m smiling and we are cuddling he thinks everything is perfect. He forgets the screaming and shouting we’ve done 10 mins beforehand it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried to understand why he’s so defensive and seems like he has to prove himself to everyone. But he just can’t understand things on a deeper level. It’s black or white to him. To the point where I think he is stupid, intellectually slow, to a degree. I think we’re at the end of the line. I don’t even know what advice I’m looking for. Im just lost now 😥

If it's come to this point the kindest thing you can do for all concerned is to end it.

It’s obviously not tenable for your home life to be so unpleasant.

It might be worth taking him to couples therapy. He’s obviously tuned out your voice long ago. The shouting you’re doing is just wasted energy on your part. Having a (trained) stranger ask him why he’s sticking his head in the sand could be useful. Also it sounds like you both need to learn new strategies for dealing with conflict. Therapists can help with that. Either you’ll see some improvement in him, or have it proven to you that he’s just too selfish (or thick) to continue together.

As an aside, your DP’s ‘has to be right’ attitude reminds me of my relative. He insists on lunging across the road at the crossing, because the green man says it’s his right of way. I always hang back, checking the traffic actually has stopped. He always comments on me doing this, and goes on about ‘his rights’. I usually answer ‘I’ll be sure to mention to the coroner that you said that.’

Bloody annoying trait.

Thankyou for your reply. That’s the point we’ve reached just today. He’s left, albeit reluctantly. I don’t know what will happen next.

Hi Skittlesandbeer,

Thankyou for your reply. You’ve hit the nail on the head with everything you’ve said. It’s such a relief to find someone that actually understands and sees what I see. He wouldn’t be the type to go on about his rights etc, but he is always right if you know what I mean? He really won’t accept any responsibility, it’s like he actually can’t see that he’s at fault too. Just today through texts I explained a lot of how this was affecting us. I admitted to my faults, I told him I understood that admitting his part of the blame makes him feel vulnerable or less of a man, but that it was actually a very brave thing to do. I sent him self help advice from the web etc, and still he replies with an excuse for his behaviour. Not once did he accept any responsibility. I agree with you that we need counselling of some sort, but I’m worried incase even after that, he doesn’t ‘get it’. It’s like he can’t process it. He really doesn’t see that he’s done anything wrong. It’s breaking my heart, because I do love him, and I would love things to work, but I feel we’re on a different level in relation to our maturity, or perhaps, immaturity, emotionally. It doesn’t read very well for us, but I am definitely wanting to try counselling because apart from that side of him (which is a huge, destructive part) he’s really a good person. Also, his family wouldn’t be overly intelligent, do you think this is part of him not seeing his problem? I also should have added, it’s not only me he’s defensive with, it’s everyone in his immediate circle. He thinks he’s being made to look like a fool or that people are laughing at him, running him down etc, so that horrible side of his comes out again. I’ve tried to figure out why he behaves like this, but can’t put my finger on it. He grew up loved and secure, no history of being bullied or abused. Whereas I suffered from them, and I can see my faults 😥 I’m at a loss.....

He really won’t accept any responsibility, it’s like he actually can’t see that he’s at fault too.

In a way, he can't.

The Mindset that Makes it Hard to Admit You're Wrong

It's all about self image repair or defense. This would take him years of counseling to unravel for himself. It's not something you're going to undo in a few sessions of couples counseling.

As far as he's concerned he's done nothing wrong, nothing is his fault and that's bloody well that!

Hi MissConductUS,

I can see what your saying and it sounds about right, because he actually can’t see his wrong-doing. I’ve had a quick read over the link you added, it makes things clearer to me too. I’ll read it properly later. I do like the idea of couples counselling but if he’s not gonna accept some fault then it really is pointless. You have given me food for thought so I have a lot of thinking to do.

Again, Thankyou for taking the time to advise me, I really appreciate it 😘

It is exhausting living like this so it is good he has left.

Completely agree that a few counselling will not help, especially if he doesn't see a problem. You have to go into counselling wanting to change and prepared to look at your behaviours.
If he is Mr Always Right, why would he need to change?

Ex went to counselling for a year and it made him worse, he processed stuff about his childhood and that allowed him to feel like a victim, added to the fact he has ASD he was unable to have insight.

I am sorry to be pessimist but I think change is not possible as it is deeply ingrained behaviour.