Separating or staying together when pregnant

[Masra]

Hi everyone. First of all - I'm a bloke - hope that's okay - when I googled the topic, most of the search results were from this site - although none covering our circumstances, which are as follows.

We are discussing separating whilst she is (only) 7 weeks pregnant; we are not cheating, nor met anyone else; we have been together one year, a warm loving relationship. But...…… 2 days before my OH discovered her pregnancy, I had decided I needed to voice my growing relationship doubts, namely am finding an important aspect challenging - I'm quite a serious person, interested in Radio 4-type stuff, and she is (essentially) not. We fell in love with each other's kindness, emotional connection, and both wanting to have a child.

Might sound quite a small deal, but - I now realise - the issue affects much of the relationship, in terms of conversation, enthusiasms, even practical stuff. Terrible timing, I know. Given there's a lot of good feeling between us, and that she'd just confirmed the pregnancy, I made what felt one of the most difficult decisions of my life, and told her a week later (a week ago now). Difficult because I was sorely tempted to keep quiet and just try to make things work for the next 20 years, perhaps for the practical sake of the child, worried that telling her would lead to a worse place. Anyway, at least she can now make a fully informed decision about us and more importantly about whether or not to keep the baby, either with or without me.

If the baby survives, I think my preference would be for us to try to make it work, at least through the earliest years where (presumably) two pairs of hands help a lot more than one. She's a single mother already (child now grown up), and brave, so she' not afraid of that. Plus I've already said I would willingly provide financial and any other support I can, whether she stays with me or not.

But if I'm brutally honest, and if all else were equal (i.e. if there wasn't a baby on the way), I would bite the bullet and break up. She may now make that decision for us. We are currently have a few days' off, whilst she gets used to the bombshell I dropped.

Yes, it sounds like I've been incredibly stupid, although I can say that the inception was definitely created out of a feeling of love. Despite that, I now know there's part of the relationship that I would always feel was missing.

Thanks for listening to my story. And thanks for any and all heartfelt and practical advice. Especially if you've been through a similar situation yourself.

Your OH is going to need your support when the baby comes and for quite some time.

I believe you need to put your separation plans on hold for a while. It would be incredibly selfish of you to leave now. There is also the possibility that, if you stay, you get to like it and will certainly love your child.

If the baby survives ?

Are you referring to whether or not your current partner has a termination ? Sorry, it was just a weird drastic way to put it. Also, you say that you both wanted a child, so was this a planned pregnancy ?

Thanks. Yes I am sure I would love my baby. And yes, I would be okay to stay in the relationship, given there's a baby on the way. But my OH is very proud, kind and sensitive, and may decide she does not want me in the relationship. Yes, given a choice, my preference would be to try to make it work, primarily for the practical sake of mum and baby. At the same time I'm aware that so many people split up later on during the family years, which I kinda support if the parents are not properly happy with each other - so I'm not sure where the cut-off point is.

[Sorry for clumsiness of 'if the baby survives' - was looking for shorthand for 'if my OH decides not to have a termination, and if she does not have a miscarriage'.]

And yes, the pregnancy was half-planned at least, just about six months early on the plan.

I would want to know your feelings and as soon as possible so I could make an informed choice.

I would not want to ‘make it work’ if you didn’t love me and would be very upset if you misrepresented your feelings.

It’s pretty shitty to leave a pregnant woman though, especially when you basically planned this.

So this pregnancy was planned but youve 'fallen out of love'? Leaving this lady with a dreadful dilema? Also - staying with someone for the sole reason that they're pregnant - how's that not going to tear her self-esteem to shreds? - which in turning would lead to an emotionally toxic environment for both adults and especially the children.
A horrible situation but the lesser of two evils, in the long term would be to separate wether she continues the pregnancy in these circumstances (after your revelation ) is entirely her choice and you owe it to her and her son to be beyond reasonable - your change of heart will hurt them immeasurably.

So you make a family with a woman by given her a false sense of security and fake sense of love but as soon as she falls pregnant you want to leave because you're board!?

So you "half planned" the baby. It sounds like you told her you wanted a baby and so did she so you weren't careful with contraception. When it happened you then decide she's "not serious enough for you?" Presumably she's always been "not serious" so why on earth did you start (even half) planning a family with her if this was an issue for you? I really don't understand how it's suddenly a problem now. How long have you been together?

Try and see her point of view. You said it was "6 months too early" but what did you expect to happen in that 6 months? You do realise that you've basically told her that you don't think she's right for you and you won't be happy but you're prepared to "try and make it work" and be a martyr for the sake of the baby? Do you realise how hurtful and arrogant that is? Also how destructive that would be? Think about the emotional toll on her of being in a relationship knowing her partner thinks she isn't good enough for them.

I'm sorry but you are coming across as incredibly selfish, immature and far from sensible yourself. I just hope you keep that promise to support her practically and financially, it's the very least you can do.

She is going to have a lucky escape getting away from an airy fairy stuck up idiot who cares more about words than emotions.

Get over yourself and grow up!

This smacks of yet another man once faced with the reality of having to take responsibility for their fertility/contraception (and there's no such thing as 'half planned' - if you weren't using contraception it was a planned child YOU are half responsible), taking fright and losing their spine!

Self indulgent bollocks about you being a radio 4 listener etc - if she's good enough for you to shag WITHOUT contraception she's good enough to be your partner and mother of your child.

Frankly it's you that's lacking. Both mother and child would probably be better off without you.

Give her the choice of staying with you or not but do not for one second attempt to convince yourself or anyone else that you're anything other than millions of other men who agree to not use contraception and then irresponsibly vanish when the stick turns pink! Shame on you!

You led her into a false sense of security created a child, then come out of left field and said she's just not want you would want in a relationship anymore, Because you are "dif". Surely you could of gathered all this before making promises and creating a innocent child with her.. She deserves way better than this and needs to run for the hills. No one wants to be second best and in a half hearted relationship all for the sake of the child,
I hope she is as strong as you say she is and you grow up in the meantime

Thanks for all the views and advice.

I can totally see why some of you think I'm wanting to run away now because she's pregnant. But...nothing could be further from the truth. In fact it's the complete opposite.

So, thanks for any comments that understand this key aspect. And in particular from anyone who has been through a similar situation.

I can totally see why some of you think I'm wanting to run away now because she's pregnant. But...nothing could be further from the truth. In fact it's the complete opposite.

How is it the opposite? You literally got her pregnant (seemingly deliberately) then told her you feel she isn't right for you. You have told her that a huge part of her personality (not being serious in your eyes) is basically not good enough. I can't understand how she was good enough to plan a family with but now it's happened she's suddenly not right for you? How is that not the definition of running away when she's pregnant?

You now saying you will stay for the baby after you've told her you think she's not a good partner for you basically just makes her feel like the villain. How do you expect her to ignore your declaration that essentially you don't like her personality? She can't. However because you are saying you want to make it work for the baby you are just making her feel like shit when she can't get over your hurtful words.

Half planned? You were either taking precautions to prevent a pregnancy or you weren’t. If it was the former and you were having doubts, you were incredibly stupid.

I’m glad you’ve told your gf because she can make an informed choice but as to your oh so generous offer of ‘staying for the child’, I’d advise your gf to decline.

Which, given your dou

So, because you like radio 4 (no idea what that is) and she doesn't, you've decided after a year that you're not compatible even though you've been TTC?

Yeah ok then.

I think it might be more realistic to see if you can agree a strong parenting arrangement that benefits the future DC.

The relationship between the two of you as a couple is dead, as you have said, and I don't think it's easy or even possible to talk yourself back into feelings that do not exist. So without even a glimmer, I just don't think that is likely to work.

But respect, friendship etc could be a reallly good foundation for amicable co-parenting

If you don't think that the relationship is going to work out, then don't stay for the next couple of years and then leave, because they would be a really shitty thing to do. You've already cocked things up enough - don't make it worse through dishonestly and encouraging a dependence on you which you don't plan to follow through on.

Be honest, talk to her, accept that she a perfect right to be hurt and angry and don't try to weasle out of the part you have played in that hurt and anger.

And then work out how you can support her, not as a partner who doesn't love her, but as an active and father who loves her not as a romantic partner but as a partner in co-parenting your child. If you are genuinely responsible and caring, you can work out how best to support your child without wasting your partner's time on a relationship with a man who didn't love or respect her.

Broomsticks advice is spot on. You won't make a good partner to her after this but you can make a good coparent if you sort yourself out.

masra your comments about 'making it work' 'separating when children is older' - sounds chillingly like your using this lady to get what you want - a child.
You're not prepared to respect or love this woman as she deserves - you appear to hold her in contempt and have not thought about how this deception (deliberately conceiving a child with doubts about staying in the relationship ) will affect her or her elderly son.
Are you envisioning staying until this hypothetical baby is older enough for you to play Disneydad with or will you suddenly demand full residency?
This woman's best course of action is to terminate this pregnancy and get as far away from you as possible. Failing that she should separate from you and enforce a strict financial and contact agreement for the sake of the children - both of them, because although you've made no thought of her eldest son, his feelings and emotional welfare are deeply important also.

Elder son not elderly.