NC with sister has meant NC with extended family

[augustaugust]

namechange but am a regular.
Have been NC from my sister for over a decade. It has been a huge relief because she was very manipulative (pretending she had cancer, stealing etc levels of weirdness. Serious issues)
I don't have much extended family anyway, a few on my mum's side who I haven't seen really since mum died. I think toxic sister badmouthed me to them tbh. My dad has never been around but my cousin on that side sent me a fb request. I'd love to see dcousin (I've met her a handful of times) but see she is fb friends with my sis.
I'd rather go NC than risk my sis knowing anything about me. But also sad to think I have no family connections at all. I feel very alone with it and wondered has anyone ever had similar?

I’ve just posted about a similar situation. I feel alone too! Have decided to go NC with a relative (I’ll just say DB to keep it simple) but would like to retain C with rest of family. Some family members r giving us issues but only some family members. It’s about 50-50. So I would be tempted to give the cousin a chance tbh. If she’s messaged u it shows she doesn’t believe your DSis version of events and maybe has also seen that your DSis is manipulative. She may be on your side. I will tell u the issues we have had with family in case it helps with what to look out for. If she starts doing any of these things definitely stick with NC. So far we have had issues with some family members doing the following:

• trying to protect DB and cover up his behaviour so that we’ll think he’s changed

-putting repeated pressure on us to make attempts at reconciliation

• telling us DB wants contact and intends to reconcile but we later find out from DB that this is not the case

-pep talks about how DB is ill, in financial difficulties etc etc (all turned out to be wildly exagerrated!) to try to get us to feel guilty and add to the pressure to reconcile -basically pressure to reconcile even tho they know the relationship is not a healthy equal one.

We also have the issue of family events where DB is rude to us and it’s hard to see it overlooked by people who r meant to care about us. This is the bit that makes me feel really alone. They r all scared of him turning on them. Let us know how you get on. Good luck!

Thanks for replying summer it really helps to know someone 'gets it' and everything you said rings true with me.
All of that has happened to me in the past wrt sis. I've long ago given up trying to get people 'on side' as my sister can out manipulate any day of the week and the stress just isn't worth it. She's always got a sob story and is always the victim.
Dcousin doesn't really know me so I guess would believe whatever sis has told her but on the other hand she did get in touch so maybe. But it could be an attempt to reconcile us who knows. I'll try to contact dcousin independently of facebook, and just see how that goes.
Good luck with your situation. I know how difficult and crazy making it can feel

I would be 1000000% cautious here.
You need to build trust and you don’t know her motives so - be v prepared -

assume that every detail of your life will go back to DS - so decide what info you will share about your life, if any.

assume she will be judging everything you say and how you act and will be comparing it to the negative version she has from your DS.

assume she will ask about the situation - decide in advance how or if you will respond - assume your answer will go back to DS

assume she has been sent with a message (maybe not overt) from DS

assume that she might be calling on you to sort something out that DS has done/said

assume as PP has said that the extended family are looking for a reconciliation

Be careful - I hope that it is all with good intent, but certainly not worth losing the distance and calm you have built up over the years.

Maybe head it all off with a statement in your first response - DS and I are NC, I will not be discussing why, not interested in restoring contact and do not want to hear any info about her or any info about me to be shared with her.

Thanks so much another20 those are all very good points. You are absolutely right and I am really grateful for the pointers and suggestions. It's a massive help to speak to others who get it, as it can feel like such a difficult situation.

I would accept her request and proceed with caution. If there are things you don't want getting back to your sister then don't share them with the cousin.

I've never worried about that side of things and have two shared "friends", her knowing what's going on in my life doesn't affect me in the slightest.