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Original poster

13 year old niece 'requested' godmother position - what would you do?

20 replies

EeyoreIsFab · 01/06/2007 20:29

When we told our families that I was pg my SIL said her DS2 wanted to be godmother. Her older sister id godmother to another cousin & so basically this was her turn.

DS in now 7 months old and we are planning the Christening. Niece is now 14 & a typical teenager - a lovely girl, but much more interested in other things than DS.

I don't feel entirely comfortable making her godmother, but don't like to upset her either.

What would you do - any advice or suggestions much appreciated!

OP posts:

Pollyanna · 01/06/2007 20:32

It depends whether your niece or SIL will be upset if you dont ask. If so can't you have 2 Godmothers? She won't always be a 14year old godmother

I have grown up godmothers who show no interest in my children

RosaLuxembourg · 01/06/2007 20:34

Do you have to have just one godmother? All ours have got four godparents, DD1 and 2 have two of each but DD3 has one godfather and three godmothers. Vicar was fine about this. What I'm suggesting is that this teenager could be an 'extra' godmother if you see what I mean. She is 14 now, but when your DS is fourteen she will be still in her twenties and likely to be someone he can maybe turn to if he needs advice from a younger person. That is what I would do personally - after all godparents are for life and she won't be 14 forever. And she wants the job, which is lovely in itself.
Having said that, it is totally down to you who you choose, so you should refuse if it is definitely not what you want.

QueenofBleach · 01/06/2007 20:35

WE had my nephew and DHs niece, 14 and 16 at the time and also my sister and friend, shared the responsibility, howver nephew at christening was the only one on front bench at christening who didn't have hangover

FrannyandZooey · 01/06/2007 20:35

I think it depends what the position means to you - if as I believe traditionally happens, you would like the godparents to be partly responsible for bringing up your ds in the Christian faith, and for taking a kind of in loco parentis role if anything happens to you, then no, I wouldn't ask a 14 year old

The role of a godparent can be a very responsible and meaningful one - it isn't IMO something you get asked to do because your older sister got asked first and it's your turn

Nemo2007 · 01/06/2007 20:37

you can have up to 4 godparents. So personally I would probably let her be one and then just re iterate how she is a role model for your son etc. Also as you said she is a 'typical' teenager which means she would grow out of it.

OrmIrian · 01/06/2007 20:40

If you are a devout Christian and would expect godmother to do the whole catechism bit and be around for confirmation etc, I think you might have a point. But if it's just a question of choosing someone who will love the child, show an interest over the years and help support them, I think that a 13yr old is fine. Providing she actually really wants to.

FWIW my cousin who was 12 when I was born was one of my godnothers and has been the best one of the bunch. Partly because she's still around now that the older 2 have died.

PinkMartini · 01/06/2007 20:43

I agree with Franny about it not being something that you get to do because "it's their turn"
I know someone whose DD1 has 9 (count'em) godparents. Now, they've got no idea who to have if they have another one.

Original poster

EeyoreIsFab · 01/06/2007 20:43

Thanks for the quick replies. I have two female best friends in mind already & part of me thinks that having my niece as an 'extra' wouldn't do any harm & would save upset.

I guess I was more irked than anything at my SIL announcing the request in front of her two DSs, rather than having a 'quiet word' with us first. Also, like FrannyandZooey says, it seems that she just wants to be a godmother because her sister is.

OP posts:

donna123 · 01/06/2007 20:45

DS is 7 months old: what has been the relationship so far? Has she already demonstrated any sort of 'godmotherly' interest in him?

Original poster

EeyoreIsFab · 01/06/2007 20:49

donna - she is interested in him when she actually spends time with him, but usually chooses to go to youthclub or be with her friends when we're visiting, or when SIL is visiting us - which is quite understandable, but of course I think she should be cooing over DS 'cause he's so fab !!

OP posts:

Freckle · 01/06/2007 21:04

My 13 yo niece asked to be godmother to DS2. We'd already chosen his godparents and didn't want an "extra". However, one of DS1's godparents had disappeared (divorced SIL), so it meant that DS1 was one godparent down.

I spoke to the vicar who was amenable and niece became DS1's godmother at DS2's christening.

I have to say that, after the initial interest, she has shown bugger all interest in DS1 ever since.

hellobello · 01/06/2007 21:17

It's difficult when someone 'asks' to take such a responsibility. I had the same, but it was someone far older. You can have as many godparents as you like - it gets harder if you have lots of children as you may run out of friends and relations!

If you really don't think it's a good idea, you can tell her, if it's suitable that you might like her to be a godmother if there's another child. People really shouldn't ask to be godparents - it's really rude and puts you in a difficult position.

zookeeper · 01/06/2007 22:30

I would have her as an extra - she might be someone your dd could turn to in later years as the age gap is not too great.

pickledpear · 01/06/2007 22:37

van't you blame vicar and say he said they had to be over 16 but perhaps when number 2 comes along she could be involved then

Uetli · 02/06/2007 11:55

I was a godmother at 12, didn't ever really see or do anything with her for years, now she's late teens and I'm 30ish I really value the relationship and feel in a position to give her guidance - mainly on staying in school. teenage stuff I think I'm a useful role model now we're both later in life - and people her parents age couldn't get through in the same way.

kinki · 02/06/2007 12:40

Both of my ds's have 6 godparents. Both baptised into RC church. Both times the preist has been very happy with this number and in fact quite welcoming when we explained our reasons why we wanted so many. Both said to us there is no limit. The only pre-requisite is that they know what responsibility they are undertaking.

One of ds2's godfathers is ds1. He was 7 at the time. Again, the priest was very happy to go along with this. Apparently, our reasons for wanting him as a godparent were as good as any that the priest has heard. Its worked well for our family. I know that some people think it a little wierd though.

My only cautionary word would be that it seems a little forward to me that your SIL has approached you about her dd being a godmother. I'm more inclined to think the decision and choices should be made by the parents of the child. Are you really sure your niece wants this responsibility, or has the request come because her mother wants her to be one? In which case it might not be the right reason iyswim. Anyway good luck in your choices.

itbird · 03/06/2007 00:16

at my church godparents have to be practising christians and over 18. Cant see the point of a 13 year old, its about spiritual guidance, think it undermines the purpose of baptism if godparents are children who i dont think understand the responsibilties that comes with that role. Perhaps she would be better as a bridesmaid to someone, deffo not a godparent

3flightsofstairs · 03/06/2007 01:52

if you think it's a really importnat role, and that a godmother will look after the baby if anything happens to you and that she will bring them up as the church would like - then choose wisely.
If it's something that's just the done thing in your family, ahev as many as you like and have her as a bonus one.
I think it depends what you think the role of a godmother is (and how religious you are)- and whether she'd be any good at it. She could always have "special cousin" status. Or she might just be better off down the youth club with her mates.
One of my mates still has her nose out of joint for not being asked 7 years ago to be a GM to her best mate's DD. She's really central to this little girl's life tho - so you don't need a named role to be a special person in a child's life.

PollyLogos · 03/06/2007 07:03

Your sIL's not Greek by any chance? Here people offer to be godparents - the parents don't ask. (Well that's in my experiance)

Its also very common for a child to be the godparent with one of their own parents helping at the ceremony (because the godparent holds the baby for a large part of ceremony)

Original poster

EeyoreIsFab · 03/06/2007 19:06

No my SIL isn't Greek - just goes about things in a different way than me I think! If she had asked us without her DD2 present I might not have felt quite so awkward.

Uetli - thanks for your personal perspective on it.

I think I want to make sure that she understands the responsibility of the 'role' first, in terms of setting a good example & helping DS to make good choices, but not sure wether to talk to her directly, or to SIL first?

OP posts:

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