Children or not?

[Spacebound]

Hi everyone,

I can’t decide whether I want children or not and after talking about it with my husband at the weekend it’s really playing on my mind. I am 32 he is 34 we have been together for 15 years, married for 4.

We have both never been sure on the idea but never ruled it out at the same time and I feel like we are getting to an age now we’re we really need to be making a decision. The thing is I love the idea of it I could think of nothing better than starting a family together but at the same time I am terrified at what we will be giving up. We have a good life together, we love to eat out and travel a lot and we are very independent as a couple. We are also considering moving house atm too.

We spoke at the weekend and for the first time ever my husband said he thinks it is something he would like, although he is still not 100%. The strange thing is it made me happy to hear him say that but im not even sure i want them. He said if i dont feel the same it doesnt change anythinf between us, he married me for me and thats still the most important thing to him.

Im just so confused by the way i feel, will i ever be able to make up my mind? Has anybody else felt this way before?

Any advice would be great, thanks x

You could try the toss a coin trick. Decide that it's heads = kids one day, tails = never. Toss the coin. If you find yourself dreading tails you have your answer.

Works for lots of seemingly intractable questions.

I felt the same. We were getting older and loved our life. Free to roam, gym, eat out and go away wherever and whenever.
I was also worried what it would do to our relationship. I loved us and couldn't imagine a baby adding to it. I also admit I didn't want to share him!

We went for it anyway! It has changed things. But I realise now, that when imagining a baby, you think of it as just that, a helpless baby for a long time, when it really isn't. Newborn is over quickly, a few months later and they're eating, then walking, then talking etc... It's a few years out of what you're used to but then they can join in!

We were lucky that our relationship/friendship hasn't been badly affected. We are a team and we have a new member. She's awesome and makes us laugh every single day.
In 10 years, she won't want to know us! It's a drop in a lifetime really.

Only you can decide. I chose not to have them because I felt no maternal urges, and the idea of being responsible for a baby's entire wellbeing frightened me. Also, I didn't want to have to see a 'miniature me' growing up, highlighting by imitation everything I dislike about myself.

Sounds like you are happy it’s still an option for you both. I think you need to just consider it for a little while longer.

Nobody can tell you whether to have children or not. People who have them and love it will tell you it was the best decision they ever made; people who don’t and love it will say likewise. My take on it is this - there are lots and lots of things I like the idea of but which, rationally, I know I’ll very likely never do. I imagine the same is the case for you. Until you find yourself actively desiring and feeling as though you must have children, why not park the idea into that camp? And if you never get that instinctive biological urge then perhaps having children just isn’t something you need to do to.

I know several ambivalent women who’ve reached your age and decided to have a baby because of feeling that time was running out to make a decision rather than because they really really wanted one and whilst they love their kid they don’t particularly love motherhood. I suppose you can try turning the question around: how devastated would you be if somebody told you tomorrow that you definitely could not have children?

I think you will never know whether having children is for you or not until you actually have them. I know of people who have absolutely loved being parents, others who have deeply regretted their decision to have a child. I would say- best to go for it if you are really sure you want some? Sorry, I'm not being particularly helpful!

It is the best of times. It is the worst of times. The love you feel is mind blowing.
She turned me atheist because the love I feel for her is the closest to any spiritual experience I've ever had.

If it isn’t a hell yes!, then it’s a no.
How are you with fatigue? With dc you might get one good night’s sleep per year, if you’re lucky. Just my experience, others may say differently.