Advice on my friend please

[Mrsm2812]

I probably shouldn’t be concerned about this at all, but I can’t help feeling concerned about my friend and her young child. Basically, a bit of background... my friend is a young single mum and her child and mine go to school together and are good friends. They have been friends since nursery but are both still young and in primary school. My friend had her child when she was extremely young and the dad isn’t around and has no contact with her child. My friend doesn’t work and until recently, lived with her mum. Recently she has got a new place to live where it is just her and her child. Sometimes my child plays there etc as kids do.
My friend is a lovely person, very kind and a good mum. I enjoy spending time with her. She has however since I have known her, always been quite desperate to meet a man and I understand she doesn’t like being alone which she has been really since she had her child.
So my friend has met someone on a dating site or Instagram or something (not entirely sure which). She didn’t tell me about him at first but my DH spotted her in the supermarket one evening with this man and her child and came home to tell me. When I rang my friend to ask her about it, she said she hadn’t told me as she thought I’d disapprove and not like him. I told her that it didn’t matter what I think and as long as she is happy.
This friend of mine normally rings me about five times a day, but since she has met this guy she doesn’t ring at all. She still texts me each day and I have been ringing her to ask how things are. The things she has told me about the guy she is seeing just don’t ring right for me and I don’t think sound good at all.
She barely knows him, she has known him less than a month and already he has stayed at hers every night since the first day/eve they got together. He doesn’t work and has no desire to. He’s on benefits and is from a different city to where we live. She told me where he’s from and that a lot of ‘bad stuff’ happened to him where he lived and that he had to move away as he was getting accused of all sorts and things he hadn’t done. So he managed to get a flat somewhere completely different and new. He has no family or friends here. I’m not surprised he hasn’t gone Home to his own flat yet as he has nothing to do there and doesn’t have any friends or anyone to see. Hence he stays with her every night or has done for the last week. They only met a couple of weeks ago. She is already talking about him just staying with her and that there’s no point him going back to his as he might as well move in with her and that her child loves him. I know it’s none of my business but I just think it’s very rushed and too soon and that she should get to know him better before moving him in, especially as she has a child to think of and he is already confused about his real dad and where he is. I’m also concerned because neither of them works and she has told me that he doesn’t see the need to at the moment as he gets decent money from ‘signing on’. I guess I thought she’s want to meet someone with more prospects.
The other issue that concerns me is that he has a baby of only a year old, who she told me he is only allowed to see once a month and that this baby lives with his mum as the baby was taken away from him and the baby’s mother. If his mum hadn’t have agreed to have the baby he would have gone into foster care.
My friend seems totally smitten by this guy and I cannot understand why at all. I think he is going to be trouble for her. I think his past or his situation is suspicious. Why has he had to move away and start again when he is only young? Why can’t he regularly see his child? What was so bad where he was living before that he’s left all his family friends and his life? I also feel very weird about my friendship with my friend now as she is totally joined at the hip with him. If I ring her, he is sat next to her. If I suggest getting the kids together as it’s holidays, she wants to bring him. She told me today by text message that if they’re together by xmas they think they’ll have a baby and get a puppy. I was speechless.
Even my DH has said that our child cannot go to their house while this man is there as we don’t know anything about him and we would want to know for definite that out child was safe.
Am I right to be concerned and should I say something to my friend or would you leave her to it? I know it’s not my life but I’m worried she will ruin hers. Her mum has apparently briefly met him yesterday and wasn’t impressed.

Your friend is lonely and desperate for a relationship, and clearly any man will do. I agree, his past sounds very dodgy.

If she is afraid you wouldn't like him, she is aware something isn't right but at the moment is suppressing concerns and/or is partly in denial.

It's her life to live as she chooses, but my concern would be her child.

You need to spend some time with him if you can and suss it out. Would you consider inviting them over?

I would start by pointing out that her benefits are at risk as she no longer appears to be living alone.

Beyond that I don't know what to suggest. From what you've said it does sound concerning I wish you luck and that some wise posters will be along soon.

She is letting a stranger into her home around her child!!! I would be massively concerned about this. Social services obviously have concerns in regards to his ability to parent or the child would have been placed with him. Either that or he didn’t want to be the parent which would make me question his motives around being around your friend and her young child.

Ask her to get him checked out with Sarah's Law and Clare's law.

What is Sarah’s Law or Claire’s Law?
My main concern is her child, who is a lovely boy but very young and impressionable. As it stands, there’s no way my child will be seeing his friend out of school as I won’t take the risk. This man might be fine but I think he sounds very dodgy. She’s said other things but is vague about it all and that might be because he has been vague with her.
She said he wasn’t allowed to keep his child as in have the baby live with him because of a few things but one was something to do with him being in trouble when he slept with an underage girl but he was also underage at the time. So this was years ago. This confused me, I don’t know much about this kind of thing but surely if he was underage and slept with an underage girl he couldn’t be in any trouble. So, was he older? People might think I’m being ridiculous but I’m worried he might be on the sex offenders list or something. But if he was, would he be allowed to see his baby once a month?
I have seen him but only from a car when driving passed and he was stood on her balcony topless. He looks awful, scruffy and unkept and just not someone I would want to associate with.
Inshockrightnow - I definitely don’t want him at my home. He’s got a bad past and been in a lot of trouble and that could mean anything. I have children. No way.
My DH thinks I should leave her to it but I am worried that something is not right about this guy and for the safety of my friend and her son. I’d like to talk to her but getting to talk to her without him close by is proving difficult. Another friend says we should speak to School in confidence after the holidays but I disagree as she could end up in trouble with social services. I just think she’s very naive and she will hang on every word he says. If he says he’s done nothing wrong, she will believe it.
She also said he smokes drugs ‘now and again’, and this is something which I am extremely against and I do frown upon. She says he is trying to give it up and only uses it for ‘recreational purposes’ as he suffers with bad anxiety and depression. Drugs if any kind my friend is meant to be against too. She has changed so much in just a couple of weeks. She has really scraped the barrel.

All of this screams social services need to be aware tbh.

Yes sex offenders are in some cases permitted to see their kids so long as they are supervised.

He’s chosen to leave the immediate area this could be drugs debt, turf wars from drug dealing, theft anything.

I would definitely approach the school. Your friend is failing to protect her child from a stranger.

Look at it this way, if this was someone your friend wasn’t involved with would she be happy leaving her child with them?

Clare’s law and Sarah’s law if I’m correct enable people with a relevant interest to check if the person they are dating/living close to are on the sex offenders register or have a history of domestic violence.

Tell her that there will be a very good reason why his child was taken away and her child might be at risk of being taken away too. She needs to check him out.

I agree with what of the comments and advice above, so thank you. It’s good to know that people are thinking the same as me about my friend and her situation. The problem I have is that there’s only me and one other good friend that know about him and the situation, so if I was to raise it with School and School speak to my friend she is likely to know it’s me and she wouldn’t be happy. I know the right thing is to speak to my friend and say, are you sure everything this guy has told you is as it is etc but I know she believe every word that has come out of his mouth. I can imagine her telling him that I’m suspicious of him and him telling her not to be friends with me. I think he will control her.
I am meant to be seeing my friend this week one day at a soft play centre and she has already said that she has asked him if he wants to come along too as he has nothing else to do. I said to her, shouldn’t he be looking for a job or something but she said he’s fine as he is. What sort of role model is this for her son?
The other thing is that about a year ago she met a guy through a similar online or social media thing and she ended up catching two buses and a train with her child to go meet someone for the first time who she had only spoken to online. She took her son into his home where there were quite a few other people, brothers and friends I think and she stayed there for the day. Luckily they didn’t hit it off and she came home free a few hours but someone did report her at school for this and she was threatened with social services. That person wasn’t me but I know who it was and my friend does and hasn’t spoken to that friends since. But I can see why she did report her as I even said to my friend at the time that she could be putting herself and her child in danger meeting up with a total stranger and also that she has no idea where she was going. I offered to have her child at my house if she was so insistent on meeting him but she wouldn’t listen. It’s a difficult situation.

Could the child's grandmother use Claire or Sarah's Law to check his suitability?

I could check it if I could find out his surname.

So this isn’t the first time she has put herself and her child in danger. It definitely needs reporting; and if I’m honest I wouldn’t be waiting 3 weeks I would be calling the school now as it is a safeguarding concern. If social services have already been threatened and this hasn’t stopped her then she clearly isn’t putting her child’s needs first.

I agree completely. I think it needs looking into for the safety of her child. The real issue is that I think he will be trouble/bad news and I think if she’s reported it would come back on me and God knows what he’s come round to my house and do.

I had a friend like this. She was all for her children yet obsessed with getting a man. But I think she only wanted a man to keep her rather than because she was lonely. It's a shame it's the holidays as you could have spoken with the school.

It’s a nightmare. I spoke to her this morning and could hear him in the background sayin he’s put the word out within his circles for her child’s dad. He sounded like a teenage boy from a rough place with his gang if horrid vile friends. I’m shocked to the core that she would associate with anyone like this. My DH says maybe it’s time that mine and her friendship comes to an end.

That's why I suggested the enquiry goes through her mum. That way you've removed yourself on one level. I had this with my oldest Dd. I was fuming angry with her. She was leaving my grandchildren with a drug 'user' who shot rats running across his yard for fun. We knew nothing about him. He was dirty & unkempt. She was vague. I said if she takes her children anywhere near him, I'd go straight to the police. I hated her silliness over this guy. She came to her senses quite quickly. I think the intervention if required should come from a concerned relative tho'. If you go down this road, you'll lose her as a friend.

I think you would in some ways be doing her a favour by blowing off her friendship - if that's what would happen if you try and take some action about this. You are doing this from a place of genuine concern, and if you turn out to be right about this loser then she will probably, in time, thank you for it. She may not be putting her child first here but as a friend, you need to, even if she can't see it that way.

However bear in mind there are some women who can't be helped in this way, they are desperate for a man, any man, and prepared to overlook even wildly waving red flags, and will happily move from one loser to the next with no self-awareness whatsoever, and if this is who she chooses to be then it's not much of a friendship to lose anyway.

Yoksha - Your Dd sounds just like my friend. Apparently he used to shoot badgers. I’ve seen him hanging over her balcony topless and he looks dreadful, scruffy, dirty and unkept. I might wait until I see her mum and have a word. I definitely can’t do any reporting myself as it will cause all sorts of trouble. On my phone all with her this morning she told me he had been looking at rings the other day. They’ve been together under 3 weeks. I can tell some of the stuff she tells me about him is vague because he’s probably only told her what bits he wants her to know. The issue with him not seeing much of his own child who is only a year old. I find this odd that the baby lives with his parents and yet he’s only allowed to see the baby once a month. Surely if he was decent, his mum would be encouraging her son to go visit the baby regularly and there must also be some reason why he hasn’t taken sole custody of the baby. I always feared this sort of thing might happen once my friend moved out of her mum’s house and once she got her own place, but I neve thought she’d go for anyone this bad. I think she’s desperate because she’s not had much luck with any men she’s met and this one is ready to move in and play dad to her son and she will allow anything to happen. She’s spending every waking minute running around with him, like two kids themselves. Why isn’t he looking for work? I think it’s disgraceful and I think it’s a disgrace to her son who is such a nice little boy. To be honest, I doubt our friendship will survive now anyway as I think she won’t probably feel she needs me now or needs any friends as she’ll be with him all of the time.

SharpLily - do you think I should just stop calling her to see if she’s ok and just leave her to it now? It would be interesting to see what she does. I personally think she will blow me out anyway now for him. The only issue is that my DS and hers are such good friends and joined at the hip at school, so they will want to see each other out of school.

Yes, if you can get in touch with her family that might be good? Surely her mum would share your concerns, though I wonder if your friend has even told her about this new relationship. Does she have any other close friends?

Your friend must be aware that what she is sharing with you is pretty bad news though it sounds like she's blinded by "love". Have you tried laying it all out for her as you've done here and seeing how she responds?

It might be worth seeing if you can spend some time with this man (without your child) to get a better judge of how dodgy he is? It can be quite easy to judge/stereotype people (though the drug use and involvement of social services with his child are pretty damning red flags).

OP...as is so often the case, there's more red flags the further into things you go. I think that she's vulnerable and he's on target like a heat-seeking missile. Spell out your concerns to her mum. If she's not on board, then if I were you I'd have to put myself in the firing line. Easier said than done I know. Just let her know you'll be there for her when 'the shit hits the fan'. Sometimes stupid people need to feel the full force of their own decisions. That's what I left with my Dd. Her children are 19 & 20 now. Her Dd walked out nearly a year ago. Her son has an interview to join the navy. I said her past desperation is coming home to roost. She has to own this now. She is making headway 15 years too late.

I don't think you need to dump her, but I do think you need to try and contact her mother and contact social services. If she realises you were the one to do it and dumps you, so be it. The welfare of the child is more important than this friendship.

I’m definitely not going to report her to social services or speak to School. The kind of person she is with is bad news and they’d know it was me and he’d probably come round kicking off or do something to my house or car. I’m not prepared to risk that. She doesn’t have a lot of friends. I don’t want to drop her as a friend but I don’t think I will need to. I am pretty sure she will drop me now she’s loved up.
I have met him now as well. She popped round earlier on her way to her mum’s house to pick something up (her mum wasn’t in) and she was going to be walking passed my house so she stopped in the garden for about 15 mins. Luckily my kids weren’t in at the time.
He was very friendly and confident but he was as bad as I thought in all the other ways. Told me he’d had to move away from where he lived due to all the trouble he was in, he said people were accusing him of all sorts and things that weren’t true. He showed me a picture of his baby and said because of all the trouble he’d been in he could only see him once a month. He’s not working but he’s going to get experience first of doing things before deciding what he wants to do. It was all excuses. He’s never going to get a job. Said he doesn’t drink often but smokes ‘weed’ for ‘recreational’ purposes. He’s scruffy and untidy and looks unclean. I couldn’t help but notice his finger nails were black. I’m so glad they only stood in the garden as I wouldn’t want him in my house. He reminded me of one of those 18 to 21 year old boys that thinks he’s part of some gang or mafia. He looks older but acts about 19. I cannot see what the attraction is for my friend at all. But I can see she’s smitten.

Surely he can't claim benefits indefinitely. He should be made to work if he is healthy.