Do I stay or do I go now...

[Bambi99]

Those who left their partners and have young children, do you regret leaving... And did you wish you had waited until your kids were older.
I know I don't love my partner anymore I barely like him most the time. He is emotionally abusive and a bit narcissistic, everything is about him and everything is my fault... I walk on egg shells. I would of left but I'm afraid cos I have two children one with special needs. I know my partner will manipulate them to hate me and do spiteful things. I keep going through a cycle of being determined to leave to being like I shud just settle for the kids sake.

Should I stay or leave, or wait until the kids are older....I'm. Scared he would get equal custody and use it to put a divide between me and my babies.... Sorry for the ramble.

One of my best friends went through a similar situation - 2 DC under 3, and her partner was a nightmare. He did nothing for any of the children or her, she was working a demanding FT job and then parenting what felt like 3 children. If something went wrong, it was her fault. His work shirt not ironed? Missing car keys? Boiler breaking down? Roof leak? All her fault. She didn't want to leave because she didn't want her children to grow up knowing that she'd split their family. She was also worried that he'd turn them against her, be the Disney dad while she had to be bad cop. But she did it. She woke up one morning and it was like a switch had been flicked. She left him, and yeah it's been hard for her. She's had to deal with CMS and sorting out shared custody, and he does sometimes behave in a way that is completely uncalled for - but she's so much happier! Never settle - you deserve more and so do your children.

Thank you for your reply, I guess I know I would def be happier I am just worried about the impact on the kids, I know what they're in for, he loves them but doesn't put their needs first he will use and manipulate them always. He's whole family do it with other sil and dil. I just wonder if I cud wait until their a bit older if the emotional abuse would impact them less. Thank u post gave me hope x

You know his treatment of you is wrong. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Do not underestimate the impact this is already having on your kids and the longer you remain within this the worst it will become for you and your kids too.

No do not wait until they are a bit older; he will simply continue to use them as narcissistic supply which will also damage them as well as you because you will continue to be abused by him. You also cannot and should not use these children as your reason to stay with him; they should not be used as glue here. You don't love him and all they are seeing here is a loveless and abusive relationship that will teach them further damaging lessons on relationships. Its not easy to leave but its a damn sight harder to stay and be further abused at his hands.

Why would he get equal custody; such men throw such words around as a means of further controlling their target. This man only cares about his own self; you people are there to basically serve him in his orbit.

Seek support from Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations and plan a life without him in it day to day.

Everything Attila said, with knobs on! Your kids are NOT a reason to stay, they’re a major reason why you should leave.
Every day you remain, they are watching you and your husband as role models. This is their idea of normal. This is the kind of awful marriage they will end up seeking for themselves.
If you aren’t strong enough to leave for yourself, leave for them. Please. Before this abusive controlling narcissist squashes your self esteem and ability to function any further.

As someone who endured horrible teenager years due to my father's behaviour and my mother's total denial of any issues, his eventual departure to a long term OW came as both a horrendous, painful shock and a relief. My mother is now stuck completely, with a bad financial situation and a shattered self-image. She became totally reliant upon my father to almost breathe, despite having a skilled career of her own. The best years of her life behind her, given to a man who didn't deserve it and cheerfully ripped it apart to pursue his own selfishness.

Rip the plaster off now, allow your children to blossom away from his behaviour and allow yourself the life you should have.

My kids were 8 and 10 when I left their abusive father. Wish I'd done it much sooner! Don't stay for the kids. They probably see and hear far more than you realise which will affect them more in the long run.

I agree with what your saying but I keep going around in circles, when I say he is abusive, it is emotional and only ever at me he loves the kids he is really angry with them. He just calls me fat and speaks disrespectfully to me, 95% of the time he talks to me he is moaning at me or personally putting me down. I have been worried my children will learn to be like this with their partners, I want to go and find someone nice, I just feel guilty I may damage the kids doing so and I am not working atm so not sure how I would leave.

I am a year down the line.

Just moved into my own home. It's not been easy, but totally worth it.

My kids are older. Dd is 14 and DS is 7. Both kids tool it hard, originally in their own way. I wish I had done it earlier as exh is using his manipulation techniques on dd and it appears to be working. She says he is sad all the time etc. I am trying to help her see what he is like, without telling her he is a massive dick. But I know if I tell hee that she won't believe me and will believe him. Ds, even though younger, seems to see straight through him and doesn't really want to see him that much.

Yes it's difficult, especially the situation with dd. But overall we are happier. I just wish I had gone when dd was younger.

Congratulations on your house, it's nice to hear how you have moved on successfully. It sucks he is putting your daughter through that. I know my partner will not return my kids when agreed and take them away without telling me and games like that, it scares me. I am also wanting to get my own home but no idea how I can even leave. I'm not working atm as I am retraining and look after dc full time. I can figure it out, all the advice given seems to show the younger they are the better x

I left my OH when our DD was 10 months old. Tbh it wasn't even hard as I'd been miserable for a long time and we were "on a break" for a few months running up to the actual split. It was weird him not being around, knowing that that was truly IT and finally throwing the towel in on all my hopes of what our family would/could be, but then I felt so much relief and noticed I was a better (more patient) mother too.
I think it may have been easier as I'd been trying to make it work but could feel everything slipping away for around 1.5 years (during the pregnancy) before it actually did so I guess I had a while to process it??
We're almost 3 years down the line from all that, we actually get on ok now, he has dd twice a week and has a good relationship with her. She was a baby when we spilt so i suppose I'm lucky that she never knew us as a couple and had to deal the with spilt.. things were rough for the first few years as ex didn't deal with it all very well but he's finally accepted everything and we get on fine. No court or anything like that. He certainly won't be winning any dad of the year awards but he does ok and I'm doing fine too! I'm so glad I made the jump.
I was miserable and it was killing me.

Bambi99 it's natural to be worried about the impact on your kids, but to be honest you may damage them more by staying in an abusive relationship.

You say you're worried about them learning to do this with their own partners in the future, and chances are they will. You have a chance to break this cycle. Show your kids that you have the strength and self-respect to leave. You can do this.

Bambi if you are worried about him playing games with the children, you could always use mediation centres for him to see them. Are you in the uk? Ring women's aid or email them from their website. They can help you escape. They can help you plan. You can also work out how much you would get online with the benefits calculator. Does he work? If so he will have to pay maintenance. Please speak to your local citizen's advice bureau as well for free advice. Good luck.