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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New partner and children

7 replies

ripironlady2018 · 05/08/2018 19:24

Not sure what advice I'm looking for. Just maybe other people's experiences.
Split up with ex (of 16 years) over a year and a half ago. I met someone else after about 8 months. I wasn't looking, it just happened. I've taken it slowly with my 2 DS. I waited for at least 6 months then slowly introduced him just as 'a friend'. Some might think that is still too soon but it was difficult finding time together with my kids.
Anyway, I'm finding this whole 'blended family' thing very difficult. My oldest son has been acting strangely and think he suspects, so I came clean with him and was very honest. Gave him the speech about how they are my 1st priority and nothing has to change etc.
I just seem to carry around this weird guilt with me all the time. Like I'm doing something wrong. Its even now making me question whether I'm ready for a new relationship or whether this is healthy for the kids. I know people do this all the time but the more they spend time with my new partner, the more I feel weird and guilty about it all.
I carried a lot of guilt around for ending the relationship with their dad, now I feel like I'm loading even more guilt on myself.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 05/08/2018 19:46

It's part of being a parent I think, the guilt stuff.
Yes, you're a parent but you are also allowed a life of your own and if that involves being in a new relationship then that's fine as long as he treats your children properly and respects them and you.

Domino20 · 05/08/2018 19:48

Do they like him?

Clairetree1 · 05/08/2018 19:49

how old are your children?

does your new partner have children?

Is he actually going to move in?

What is it you feel guilty about?

I agree "people do this all the time" but it is often the wrong thing for the kids. Not always

MissConductUS · 05/08/2018 19:49

How old are the boys?

I think it's always going to be an adjustment for them that you've moved on from your ex. You need a life too.

ripironlady2018 · 05/08/2018 20:00

Hi all. My sons are 4 and (nearly) 11. The 4yo loves him as he is very hands on. My 11yo is obviously a different story. I do think he likes him but he's clearly struggling and I don't think he is happy that I've been keeping it from him. He is clearly worried about what will happen.
My new partner has an 8yo son who we have all met and the kids all get on great.
No talk of moving in, I think that is still far too soon. My kids are about to go through another change as I've finally managed to sell the family home (forced due to separation) so we will be moving from our home soon.
I wish I knew what I felt guilty about. I think I am just worried that my oldest isn't happy. He's gone through a difficult time with the adjustment of the separation and I feel like I'm now adding more pressure on him.

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 05/08/2018 20:06

If you are not actually imposing this new man into your childs living space, I can't really see a problem.

I do get a bit upset with parents who move new partners in and trample all over their DCs right to feel happy and relaxed in their own home, I see a lot of that as a teacher...

but if you are not living together, nothing to feel guilty about, in fact a parent demonstrating enjoying a happy active social life in which DC are included is a good role model

ripironlady2018 · 05/08/2018 20:31

God, I'm the opposite. I'm so worried about how they feel, it churns me up all the time. I know it sounds a bit OTT.

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