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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help

12 replies

Namechangeattempt · 05/08/2018 18:14

I've been with my DH for 8 years everything is perfect... however before I got with DH when I was really young another man forced to do something sexual with him. I did not want to (also he was many many years older than me, I was under 16) I have always kept this to myself as it is something i am ashamed of, it makes me feel ill but over the years I parked it and moved on. However this person will be in my life later this year for reasons I can't go into but ended up telling DH last night what happened to me in the past. He's currently away and we've been apart all weekend, I had a few drinks and ended up blurring it all out through text. He's very upset and sickened that it happened but now is been distance with me and im scared it's going to effect us. Maybe I should of told him before but I wasn't ready but now I wish i never had said anything :( what should I do???

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeattempt · 05/08/2018 18:16

Sorry for terrible grammar but I just need some support what do I do now... I feel bloody awful for never telling him but it would of ended up coming out this year :(

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 05/08/2018 18:18

He’s being selfish. He should be nothing but supportive of you. You were abused and have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Are there others you can confide in who will offer support?

Original poster
Namechangeattempt · 05/08/2018 18:19

He's still talking to me and he's not angry with me at all about what's happened I just don't think he understands why I didn't tell him. I've kept it himself for atleast 10 years. I don't want to tell anyone else about it to be honest x

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 05/08/2018 19:18

Oh you poor love.

Can you send your DH some links/articles about why survivors of sexual violence tend not to be open about it?

SuperSuperSuper · 05/08/2018 23:43

It's not abnormal to be secretive about sexual abuse. Hopefully he'll recognise this and understand why you've only just spoken of it. If he's a good man he will try to help you deal with this. Good luck OP.

Skittlesandbeer · 05/08/2018 23:58

I’d be reminding your DH that whilst it would be natural for him to want a bit of time to process this new (distressing) information, he needs to keep in the forefront of his mind that It Is Not About Him...

I hope you find a way to discuss it with a professional, who can properly help you.

RebelRogue · 06/08/2018 00:31

While I do agree that what he SHOULD be is supportive,considerate and put you first the thing is he just found out.
You have had year to think about it,accept it,move on etc. Whereas he had a few hours. People when told things like this tend to feel angry,powerless even a need to defend or for revenge even if it is irrational. In that chaos of emotions the main focus..you and your feelings can get lost.
Not just that,but he's away and he can't actually comfort you in person and see you and reassure himself(selfishly) that you are ok.
Hopefully once he gets his head around it(the sooner the better) he can offer you the support you need and deserve.Thanks

Notmany · 06/08/2018 08:26

I never understand posters who think it is okay to call out men for being selfish because they are struggling with massive bombshells like this being dropped in their relationships only a short time before. I don't think it is reasonable behaviour to tell people these kind of this and the tell them "It is not about you" - but you've just made it a bit about them by telling them!

OP while this should be all about you in time please give your DH a bit of time to process especially as you have told him over text when he is away from you or any other form of support or advice. This is something that needs to be discussed face to face when he returns. Please at least give him that opportunity before dismissing him as a selfish wanker as others have done here.

Original poster
Namechangeattempt · 06/08/2018 08:38

We stayed up till the early hours of the morning when he got home and spoke alot. He is an amazing man and believe it or not we've been through much worse than this. I can see his point now after talking and understand he needs time to deal with it too. I feel like I've moved on as I parked it before I even met him where as he's just had it dumped on him. I know we will be ok but I'm more concerned about how to help him deal with it all. His head is f**ked. :( he also wants to talk more to help him understand and help me but I don't want to talk about it in detail and go through it all again so that's really difficult. Thankyou all xxxx

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 06/08/2018 13:20

notmany I agree people need time to process, but if someone you love tells you about something horrific that happened to them a long time ago, you put them first.

It's simple, and it's a kindness.

OP glad you've had a good chat, focus on supporting yourself Flowers

MarriageMindedonly · 06/08/2018 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RebelRogue · 06/08/2018 13:27

@Namechangeattempt hope you can both move on from this and he offers you the support and understanding you need.
While I get his reaction,you don't owe him anything and you don't have to say/do anything that you're not comfortable with.Thanks

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