Funeral Hypocrisy (triggering)

[Inevereverwanttogohome]

I've posted before under a different name about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my father from being age 7 until almost 20. All my family are aware of this, including my mother who did nothing to help me and my brothers get away from that house.

My father died the week before last, which I posted about at the time. As well as being sexually abusive to me, he was emotionally and physically abusive to my brothers and mother, and also finacially abusive. He was an all round nasty piece of work and made a lot of enemies during his life.

Something happened at the beginning of the year which was so awful for me, I was in the position where I had to tell the one brother who didn't know about the abuse, and his wife, what had happened. His wife went crazy with me, she shouted at me that I had put her children at risk etc, but then later said that she would support me etc etc.

I made the decision that I would not attend my fathers funeral as I did not feel one little bit sad that he had died. What has upset me thought is that now he has died he being viewed through rose coloured glasses by my mother and brother. My mother told one of my other other brothers that 'we had some good times..'. well I can't remember one ever, just being terrified that he was going to rape me.

I googled his death notice, what a piece of fiction that was! Deeply mourned and all that bullshit. They were doing a formal viewing at the house then a walk up the church. Mass of the resurrecction the following day... If you believe in that, then there is only one place he is going and it's on the fast track to hell. One of my other brothers has just told me that my SIL who gave me such a hard time this year, actually did a reading at his funeral.

Obviously my mother can give him any sort of funeral she wishes, but I feel so let down that she has decided to do this hypocritical charade. Apparently it's all about keeping face. If they hadn't done the correct type of mourning, then people would talk and it would have a come back on my brother and his children... Who would want to live in such a narrow minded horrible place.

I am NC with my mother and brother now, and am planning on it continuing like that. Don't need toxic nonsence in my life now.

Apologies for the rant, I just wanted to get it off my chest as not many people I can talk to it about in real life.

I understand. Unfortunately whitewashing after a death is so common; my ex husband died recently and you would think a saint had passed! I found it very hard not to shout on the rooftops that he was emotionally and financially abusive and that so many people had very selective memories. A few friends were shocked that I wasn't mourning him. It made me feel very uncomfortable, the pressure.

If NC is what you need to do, go ahead and do that - they may realise their actions in the future. I guess the family don't want to publicise that your father was an abusive beast. It's very difficult. Give yourself time to adjust, you may find part of you mourns the not having a decent dad, say, or that the shock affects you regardless of how you feel about him. from me.

Thank you VioletWillow. I have been lucky that friends have understood that I don't want to mourn my father, and have not asked too many questions.

I felt like you, if I had gone to the funeral then I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut. My mother told her friend, who is their next door neighbour, what he had done to me and she told her to keep it quiet as mud sticks.

You are correct that part of me is mourning for not have had a decent father, and having suffered an abusive childhood. No tears for my father though, I am glad he's gone.

I've been NC for a few months now and it is the best thing I could have done for myself. I feel I am being true to myself.

Sorry that you have also been in an abusive relationship, and I hope that you are happy now.

Bump, in anticipation that someone might see this who can give me some advice as to how to get a handle on this...

I feel even more cross at the moment. One of my other brothers told me yesterday that school friends of nephew and nieces even came along to the viewing at the house. To me it beggars belief. All my family know what a nasty bastard our father was and it just makes me cross that he was lauded so much in death. They did not have to do that...

Things came to head back in January when my father tried to attack me. This completely shocked me as I had not felt that he was still a risk. My brother came to get me and was initially understanding but has done a complete u turn. I'm not bothered about that as he not a pleasant person. I do wish that I had called the police at the time instead, and there might have been a chance that the old bastard was finally held accountable for his behaviour.

Sorry for the rant, it just makes me so cross that they are carrying on like he was a decent people. He was nasty in every area of his life, and a lot of people knew that.

What a horrible situation to be in. I feel for you. When my abusive birth father died I for some reason just had to go to his funeral to make sure he was really dead. Sounds crazy I know, I left last and the vicar asked if I needed a moment - his face when I put my hand on the coffin and said rot in hell was a picture.

It is awful. Of course you feel cross. You must feel violated by their hypocrisy just like you were violated by him. I think you were completely right not to go to the funeral and if I were you I'd distance myself from all of them, move somewhere far away and start and brand new life. It sounds like you've never had a chance to feel properly 'heard' about what happened to you. Have you thought about contacting Rape Crisis to speak about it all?

All my family know what a nasty bastard our father was and it just makes me cross that he was lauded so much in death. They did not have to do that

I completely understand - I had a hideously abusive "father" myself - but would suggest that at least some of this may be avoidance on your family's part. If they really accepted the horror he was they'd also have to accept their own part in enabling him, and doing that would hardly help in their "keeping up of appearances"

Without doubt you're wise to maintain the NC, though I have to admit that I did go to my late "father's" funeral. Something in me needed to see those curtains close and to be absolutely certain he was never coming back ...

Thanks eveyone for replying.

Passthebubbly I bet his face was a prize.

CarefullyDrawnMap that's exactly how I feel, violated and let down my mother and brother. Don't give a damn about the brother, but still a bit sad about mother. Thankfully we live in different countries and I never had to see them again. I don't live far away from other brothers, and I will be happy to see them occasionally as they are quite supportive. I started counselling with Rape Crisis a few weeks ago, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Feel annoyed that the old bastard has somehow managed to spoil that, but I know it is going it to do me good.

It was a kind poster on MN who advised me to contact Rape Crisis last year when I was at a low, and I am so thankful that I did.

Puzzledandpissedoff I completey agree, in my mothers case she is in denial about the extent to which the abuse happened. When I went over to see her last year she started to ask questions about what had happened, like she doesn't know, and asked me to say that it had only happened the once. She knows it didn't, and I couldn't say anything to ease her conscience.

I am glad that I didn't go to the funeral, no way would I want to take part in that pantomine. I can hold my head up high and know that I have been true to myself. TBH if I had gone, I would have probably ended up getting arrested or denouncing him!

for you.

I'm really glad you're seeing Rape Crisis, give it some time.

And you know your family are living a kind of half-life, they're like the walking dead, because they've had to squash down any normal feelings and reactions in order to live with the knowledge of their own complicity in what happened. In refusing to acknowledge the situation they're living a life underpinned with lies. You, however, are clear sighted and clear headed, and although you're suffering because of it at the moment, ultimately your honesty and your ability to understand and deal with your feelings is what will see you through. You'll come out of it the strong one.

CarefullyDrawnMap thank you so much for your lovely and helpful comment. That's what I feel but you have explained it much better. Despite my rage about the funeral hypocrisy I do feel so much calmer.

Funnily enough I described my father as having a half life in his last few years, like he was in the 'waiting room'. He spent the time being horrible, falling asleep in his chair, listening to the death notices - I think this may be a West of Ireland thing - and going to church and saying his prayers... Don' t think they are going to be much help.

It's maybe a cliche, but a life well lived and of that, and that's what I am going to do x