Is it time to separate?

[ItsAllPeachy]

Hi all, I'm new to Mumsnet so first post.

I've been married to H for 6 years and have one DS who is 4. Things changed when DS was born, H (despite me telling him) was completely shocked at how much hard work a baby is. Now we're out the baby years and DS is more independent they have a great bond.

But between that he's just become grumpy, negative, unsocial, set in his ways...need I go on? I love him but I don't like him. We're drifting apart and we both know it.

We argue and bicker a lot and tbh, I'm just becoming miserable. I think he feels the same too.

The final straw come today (long story short, he's crap with money) so I look after finances. We don't have a joint account because he has had just finished paying off an IVA and we were advised to not have joint accounts during the repayment process. So when he gets paid, he transfers savings to me.

Next month, he's getting paid quite a bit of overtime, £900 to be exact. I asked for that to be transferred to me to put into savings. He said he's keeping the all overtime money for himself. We're saving for a house, so I argued with him, what was the money going to be spent on? Wouldn't give me an answer then shouted at me and said 'it's MY money and I want to spend in whichever way I choose'

He earns more than me, he transfers over savings every month but has money to spend on himself. I spend all my spare money on family days out, clothes, shoes, school uniform, swimming lessons etc for DS, Xmas and bdays. I never touch the savings,
I just budget with my salary.

I am totally fed up with his attitude but is it a good enough reason to separate? I think I know the answer, can't see myself with him in 10 years time. It's really sad that it hasn't worked out. I really did love him so much when we first married, I don't whether it's just life that's got us down?

Has anyone been through a similar spell with their OH, any words of advice?

You're good enough to suffer the consequences of his messes but when he's flush, you're invisible. Living with this arse will be lurching from one financial mess to another, get off the merry go round now because the inevitable next cycle has already begun.

If you think it's feasible, try talking again about the money - get a print out of everything that has been saved up for the new house, and the difference even half of his overtime will make. Try and find a compromise if you can. It could be, as he has no real grasp of money (otherwise he wouldn't have got into the IVA situation), that if he sees in black and white just how much has already been achieved or needs to be achieved, all because of your budgeting, he might realise how childish it is to blow £900 on himself.

Money issues and new child are flash points for any marriage and you have had both.

I guess from his pov he has just finished debt so wants to celebrate but its not the best attitude especially if he won't discuss.

Is he the type to reflect and can you talk when he is calmer?

Does he agree with the financial goals? Can you sit and make up a budget?

When resentment builds we tend to dislike our partners so catching them doing good stuff is important...what are his good points?

Being immature with money is an issue however and it can drain your life if you need to monitor him. Could you get a mortgage with his financial history anyway?

I think it is worth trying to improve your marriage as divorce is awful so not a step to be taken lightly however give it 6 months and then reflect on how you feel.

It's not called the "7 year itch" for nothing.. you're just arriving early! Men hate not being in control of finances and feeling indebted in any way. If I was you I'd let him feel in control of his money for now and hope he comes to the right decision all by himself. Good luck for a happy outcome 🌷

You need to tell your husband the stuff you have put on here.

If he won't listen, then you have your answer.

He and you both deserve a chance to make things better.

Honestly...he worked for the overtime. Let him have the benefit of it and spend as he wishes, as he's still transferring his normal savings.

It just comes over as controlling to me and I wouldn't like it.

I'm sure any overtime he was able to do meant that you had to look after house and child to enable him to do it?

Anyway, sit down with him and agree to a budget. Allow some equal spending money each to do as you both please.

You are starting to resent him and it won't improve unless you can work it.
Tell him you need some of that £900 for some marriage counselling.
Even if you can't resolve the issues as least you can separate amicably.