Tell me that being NC with my mother will get easier. I feel so low right now.

[GodivaEater]

I’ve been NC since December. At first I felt liberated and in some ways I still do (no longer paranoid about my appearance or my home, have ‘found’ myself, am free of judgement and drama) but the anger and guilt and frustration over it weighs me down like a tonne.

It’s been amplified because my grandad has just died. I can’t go to the funeral because I have nobody to go with on that day and I do not have the courage to go alone. I feel so upset and bloody furious that it’s so unfair that I have to miss it and my mum gets to go when I have never done anything to anyone and she fucked up my life. I don’t know what to do with all the anger.

Sometimes I weirdly miss my mum. She wasn’t all bad but she certainly only started giving a shit about me in the last few years and wanted to be here cooing over my kids. It was very hard and confusing having someone who had let me down so much suddenly bending over backwards to be my best mate.

Some of the ways she let me down/ fucked my life up for context:

• watched motionless as her partner forcefully dunked my head underwater and then told me it was my fault for saying something silly
• watched motionless as he kicked me then bumrushed me out of the house, shouting at me to ‘go and get some fucking friends’ then slammed the door
• watched motionless as he picked me apart and criticised me endlessly for 13 years until I was a scared empty shell of a person
• didn’t notice that I’d stopped eating and gone down to under 6 stone, A&e had to notice when I ended up there with a panic attack.
• repeatedly sat me down for a summit to have a huge go at me for not being more loving towards my piece of shit stepdad
• and when I poured my heart out in a letter about the above and a lot more she replied telling me that because of my letter she had had to go on antidepressants and have time off work. My letter had had a ‘terrible effect on her’.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated and angry about everything that I either want to scream or kill myself (I won’t). My self esteem is so low that despite having a lovely family of my own I feel like they’d be better off without me. I feel like I can’t take the pressure anymore. She laid so much guilt on me about her relationship with my kids being broken by my letter to her and the resulting fallout and I don’t know what to do with it. I just broke and couldn’t take it anymore.

How do I get rid of this guilt and resentment? How do I stop blaming myself? I can tell I’ve sunk into a depression lately. I’m so sick of it all and want to be free.

Down to the GP with you sweetheart and get him/her to sign you up for some counselling.
Its imperative that you are listened to because you must work through all the trauma you've experienced since being a young child.
If you can bear it, go alone to the funeral. You don't have to speak to anyone, you can simply pay your respects and then leave. If that's really too much for you, then find a quiet moment somewhere peaceful at the time of the funeral and have a moment deep in thought for your grandfather. It will help and you will feel as if you've marked his passing which is important.
As for maintaining the no contact....you have to be strong and brave and think about your present and your future. You have a lovely family now. Let that be your comfort and your strength.
I learned many years ago to only let people into my life who were kind. I have very strict boundaries regarding kindness and it means that people who are nasty, jealous, negative and deceitful - and I've several in my family - are kept at arms length deliberately.
It makes for a happy life for me and mine.
Its you and yours that matter OP.
Stay strong.

I have been NC with my mum for over 10 years. For me it have been the best thing ever. She brought no joy to mine or my children’s lives and now she just feels like someone I knew along the way, I don’t feel bitter or have bad feelings about her.

They is absolutely no need to justify why you made that decision, no one ever loses contact with their mum without very good reason. I can only guess that you are blaming yourself as your mum always blamed you for everything, that was certainly what life was like for me. Constant criticism is soul destroying. I know I would NEVER do that to my children. You really don’t need to live your life like that any longer, making change is always hard, but it will get easier as time passes.

Sorry for the loss of your Grandad please don’t feel you have to stay away from the funeral, you have no reason to feel ashamed.

I wouldn’t ever want the situation to change between me and my mum, I have a good life, a fab DH and two lovely DS’s.

Becoming a mum myself highlighted how toxic things were and I won’t ever lose sight of that, as I know she will never change. And I will never be good enough in her eyes and I really don’t need that in my life.

Have you got some support in RL? Good friends you can talk to? You could see GP as another poster suggested to help your depression.

You will be ok OP, sending you a hug 🤗

Yes I was bought up to always feel I was in the wrong and to blame for everything. And when our relationship blew up she had a lot of stabs at me for ‘taking her grandchildren away’ and how sad it was that they hadn’t had their Xmas presents during our estrangement etc. She can be very manipulative and can not face up to what she herself has done.

I agree re criticising children. I don’t know how anyone can do it, it’s so cruel. I’ve worked hard not to make dc feel bad about themselves.

I do want to send my grandad off but there won’t be many people there and my mum and sister and their partners and I are not talking so it’d take nerves of steel for me to go in alone. Dh has to work. My best friend is away.

My dh and my best friend are my rocks. But yes I probably do need counselling. Last therapist was a nightmare tho so I don’t relish the thought of looking for another.

You sound like you had a similar upbringing to me OP. It is really tough, I have never had counselling as I wouldn’t want to re-visit a painful place that can’t be changed as much as I wish it could.

My mum has never so much as sent my DS’s a birthday or Xmas card in all those years, so that says a lot.

My DH has helped me become the confident person I am today. My mum knows nothing about my life, including my Multiple Sclerosis dx in 2012, I can honestly get through anything now. She would have been useless when I was going through that, it would have been all about her and she would have added to the panic and created no end of drama at an already difficult time.

I can understand what you mean about the funeral, my mum was of the ethos that if she wasn’t speaking to you, no one else in the family could either, honestly how pathetic is that? I also let her power and control me at that time and sadly lost contact with some of my dear elderly relations. Something I changed when I was stronger.

It will take time OP, there is no magic fix for wanting your mum to love you unconditionally and it’s almost like a grieving process when the light bulb moment finally happens and you can see things as they are, and realise it’s NOT your fault, but it’s hard to see it when you have been told all your life it is!

But you will get through it, you really will. It great that you have a brill DH, focus on your own family, it really will help.

NC is hard. But I think I miss the relationship I wouldn’t have liked (and that everyone else seems to have) and not the relationship I actually got. IYSWIM.

despite not see her for a number of years now, I still feel anxious about seeing her, even if I have zero plans to do so. Just the thought of it gives me anxiety. That helps me realise that NC is the way to go. Imagine what I would be like if I did actually have to see her.

Well done on getting away and protecting yourself and your dc.

*i would have liked

Sorry to hear that you have had such dreadful experiences.

I have been NC with my parents since earlier in the year. He sexually abused me for years, and my mother found out on several occasions and did nothing.

My father died the week before last, and I did not feel one little bit sad, just sorry for myself for having had such a crap father.

NC is tough at first, but it gets better. I didn't attend my father's funeral and have no regrets about doing that. At the moment I doubt I will ever see my mother again and feel fine about that.

I hope things get easier for you.

Sorry to hear about your grandad. Is there anyone else that can go with you?

Where is the funeral OP? I would gladly accompany you if I could.

You can commemorate your granddad in your own way and time, away from the toxic people.

Send flowers and hold your head Hogg. People will know why you are not there and why you are no contact with your m.

It will take time but things get better, normalised.

Sorry that was supposed to be more flowers. Have cake as well though

Hold your head high... sorry, damn phone

No, don’t know anybody else I can ask.

Bless you saltandvinegar, it’s in the south east.

My aunt said she totally understood why I won’t be there and to not worry about it, still upset and pissed off about it though ,

Ps I’m v sorry to read about others difficult childhoods

You have been incredibly let down by your mother, a person to whom you would by sheer nature wish to, and be able to, return to time and time again. This is not your fault.

Deal with your grandad's funeral in your own way; mark the day by going out, perhaps buy yourself something simple to remember him by - a bracelet charm, a plant, candle, anything you like - to mark your relationship with him. Although a funeral is traditionally a way of saying goodbye, you don't need to be there in person in order to that, especially if doing so will cause you more harm than good.

Own the day, show your mum she has no power over you any longer - and that you refuse to reverse the good that you have made for yourself since going NC. There are no rules that say we have to like or even wish to see our family, even our parents. Get help for aspects that you think you need guidance on, but firstly, remember your grandad in your own way.

NC is really hard, I'm only 7 months in and I'm just starting to feel a little better.

If you can't go to your grandads funeral then please don't beat yourself up about it. You need to do what's best for your mental health and if that means staying away from toxic people then missing the funeral is fine. It doesn't mean you think any less of your grandad and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to make yourself unwell.

Take each day at a time, and counselling is great if you can go 🌺

How are you doing OP? I hope you are feeling a bit better. Take it easy it will take time.

Hi, had a cry this morning and I’m def low but trying to lift myself up. It’s my birthday today, trying to make the best of it.

Thinking of asking the funeral director on Thursday if I can see his coffin before they drive to the crematorium. Not sure if it will be poss but I will ask.

Hi, GodivaEater,

I'm sorry to hear about your granddad.

If I was you and felt I couldn't attend the funeral then pay your respects and say goodbye at wherever your granddad is after. Whether he is buried or cremated there will be somewhere for you to go.

That way you can say farewell on your own terms.

sorry cross-posted.

Unless your mother has asked the Funeral Director to restrict viewing then of course you can visit. I'd phone the Funeral Directors first, though. I say this as I've just lost my mum and they told me it's best to call first so they are prepared. I wonder if they may need to prepare the deceased with restricted space?

Unfortunately it sounds like he will be kept in an urn and not buried until my grandma passed away and they can be buried together.

I’m going to phone the funeral director and ask. I don’t need to see his body, I just want a second with his coffin to say goodbye.