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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do in this situation?

19 replies

SpringSprung18 · 05/08/2018 07:13

I have a very close male friend. In the past things were a bit odd - there was a time when things were very intense and borderline co-dependent, and during that time I had feelings that he knew about, but explicitly said he wasn't interested when I raised it one day. After that we didn't see each other for some time, during which time I met and started a relationship with DP. Friend has remained single apart from some short-term things that haven't gone anywhere.

We're friends again now which I really like as we get on well, but over the last little while the friendship has become quite intense again - near daily contact (largely driven by him), and seeing a bit of each other too, both in groups and one on one. I have been happy with this as value our friendship, am happy with it being just that, and feel that given what happened last time I am on safe ground to assume it's platonic on both sides. Yet as the intensity picks back up I'm finding myself feeling a little more nervous about it and worried things will get weird, especially as he made a comment last time I saw him about how taken by surprise he was that I moved on with DP so quickly. It's proving hard to pull back as he's in contact a lot, and I do get a lot from the friendship so don't want to withdraw for no reason. I'm also worried about him. He's much more unhappy than when we were friends previously, lonely and (I suspect) depressed. He's recently talked a lot about how his life hasn't panned out as he thought it would, and expected to be in a relationship by now.

For context too he doesn't have many other close friends, whereas I have many. DP knows the history and doesn't mind.

WWYD?

OP posts:

redexpat · 05/08/2018 07:42

How much do you like your dp?

You werent good enough for him when you were single, but now things havent gone as he hoped in his life and suddenly youre good enough. Youre his plan b.

I think youre worth more than being some miserable buggers plan b, dont you?

Platonic friendships arent this complicated, nor intense. Youre nervous for a reason. Listen to your instinct.

manitz · 05/08/2018 07:47

I agree. If you like your dp get rid of the friend he’s pushing boundaries.

dudsville · 05/08/2018 07:48

I agree with pp. Friendships should not be so intense.

Thatsfuckingshit · 05/08/2018 07:48

You need to take a step back from the friendship. Assuming you want to be with your Dp, not the friend.

He didn't want you when he could have you. His surprise at you moving on, is purely because his ego is hurt that you moved on. Getting your interest again, will give him the ego boost he needs.

He is playing with you.

Coolcool · 05/08/2018 07:49

Yes cool it with the friend. He had his chance and is only interested now as he knows you have met someone. Don’t worry about him - I don’t think you owe him anything.

Original poster

SpringSprung18 · 05/08/2018 08:17

I think youre worth more than being some miserable buggers plan b, dont you?

I think I need to write this down and refer back to it ...

It feels very hard but getting others' views helps. The idea of being someone's plan B gives me hives

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 05/08/2018 08:24

Aside from being a plan B puting low value on yourself, plan Bs often fail. Worst case scenario, you opt for a relationship with the friend, it doesn't ladt and you sre left with nothing hut regrets. Kivk him to the kerb and leave him to find someone else to be his crutch.

Thatsfuckingshit · 05/08/2018 08:28

You do realise why he doesn't have many close friends, don't you?

Skittlesandbeer · 05/08/2018 08:45

Sorry to push this even further in the same direction...but by now I suspect you’re likely to be Plan K, R, or maybe W?

If he had even a vague ‘life plan’ along normal lines, then he’s had his eyes open for a real connection with a woman all this time. He wasn’t a true ‘player’, as much he ‘talked the talk’ about being one.

Now he’s sniffing around the one woman who has:

a) declared true feelings for him
b) knows his good & bad points, and still likes him for him
c) shares his history/stories
d) has proven herself a ‘stayer’ in relationship terms

Problem for you is that:
a) you’re happily with another (good) bloke
b) you don’t do sloppy seconds just because you could
c) you know you deserve a bloke with actual track-record skills in relationships, not just a trail of casual ‘maybes’.

Also, your DH’s trust in you (and this friendship) is no small thing. Cherish your current relationship more, it’s rare and beautiful. Cut this guy loose a bit to actually help him start ‘dating with intent’. He needs some mileage in being genuine before a sane woman will take him on. Without you in the background.

You are obviously good for his ‘real’ side, I think he flatters your ego in return. Dangerous territory. For both of you. I don’t doubt you both feel real friendship for each other. But it’s holding you both back from true long-term happiness. Back off until he finds his true love, then by all means, be godparents to each other’s children down the track!!

Original poster

SpringSprung18 · 05/08/2018 10:01

That’s an amazing post Skittles

OP posts:

Original poster

SpringSprung18 · 05/08/2018 22:57

Thanks everyone. I haven’t heard since posting but will try to cool it next time I do

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 06/08/2018 03:20

He hasn’t found a relationship so he’s keeping you around to feed his ego. I dare say you’re a lot more attractive to him now that you’ve moved on, and he’s trying to reel it back in. If you value your relationship with your DP you should back right off.

Copperbonnet · 06/08/2018 03:30

He’s using you.

If the relationship has started to feel inappropriate then it probably is.

This friendship is dangerous to your relationship with your DP.

Pull way back. Start seeing him less and shut down text communicate rather than prolong it.

When you do see him try to keep it to groups and make sure that your tone/body language and conversation are very clearly platonic.

Original poster

SpringSprung18 · 06/08/2018 05:56

Good advice, but is there a chance I’m not being used/Plan b and he just wants to be friends?

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Original poster

SpringSprung18 · 06/08/2018 05:56

I take the points on DP though.

OP posts:

thecatsarecrazy · 06/08/2018 06:32

Step away from friend if it's going to effect relationship with dp. Im married and started a friendship with a man. Worst mistake ever. Things soon got weird and now my head is fucked.

category12 · 06/08/2018 06:50

If it wasn't that he was testing out your boundaries, you wouldn't be worried enough to post, op. It would feel simple.

You need to cool it. Don't respond to every message, don't get into text ping-pong, create some distance. If it was a female friend, would you spend as much time and headspace on her, honestly? I don't think so.

Original poster

SpringSprung18 · 06/08/2018 07:18

If it wasn't that he was testing out your boundaries, you wouldn't be worried enough to post, op.

You're so right, what a good litmus test this is. I'm not starting MN threads on any of my other male friends

OP posts:

Original poster

SpringSprung18 · 06/08/2018 07:18

Thecat weird how?? Just hoping to learn I suppose!

OP posts:

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