Great dad but awful husband

[Eden80]

Anyone been in this situation and if so what did you do? I could overlook the way he is with me (constant complaining about trivia, everything is always my fault, feel like I walk on egg shells with him) as he is good around the house and really good as a father. I have two young children and another on the way - don’t know what to do anymore. How do people decide? I feel I would have regrets either way.

My friend chose her and her happiness. The kids adapted and after a difficult first few months she's stronger, happier and enjoying life.

If you chose to leave he can still be a good dad - and you can be a happier mum.

I do worry if I’d manage as I have no family support as parents are dead and no other family.

@Eden80 of course you would and he'd be there to help out initially, as you said he's a good dad. You're strong you'll be absolutely fine x

How is he a good dad to his children if he has you walking on eggshells and treating you as their mother so poorly?. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment or versions thereof when they can themselves think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Children are perceptive and they do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken between you. Sound travels too. What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. Is this the sort of relationship you would want for them, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

That's fantastic that he's a great dad. Because he'll always be their dad.
(I find myself in a similar predicament)

What Attila says - he can't be a fantastic father and be treating his wife like sh*t those things are mutually exclusive...

Your children will learn about relationships by watching you and dp. Is he still a good father?

That was my first H - basically a good guy and a great father, but when it came to me an absolutely dreadful husband. We split when the children we had together were quite young, co-parented very effectively, and salvaged a good friendship out of the mess. Those DCs are adults now, we've both remarried - and are still friends. I think if we hadn't split when we did that friendship and ability to co-parent would have just vanished.

But you need to be sure - with a baby on the way don't rush any decisions.

Constant criticism and moaning about trivia is very wearing and I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him right now - or it'll just carry on.

Tell him straight that you're not happy with his behaviour towards you (give specific examples) and ask him why he's treating you this way. Explain that you feel that he's constantly criticising you - how would he feel if you did the same to him?

If he's really not happy about your life together, he needs to tell you what the problem(s) are so you can figure out solutions together. His constant fussing isn't changing anything, it's just creating tension.

If he loses his temper and storms off, let him do it. When he's calmed down, stand your ground and let him know that this still needs to be sorted out. This isn't how partners should treat each other - and if he can't see that, he'll lose you. Life really is too short to spend with someone who's making you miserable.

He is not a great dad.

Great dads don't treat the mother of their children like shit.

Is he aware of how moany and complaining he is? Has he fallen into a habit of this without realising? Can you let rip saying you are not putting up with it any more and to quit his bloody whinging. If he cares about his dc he will need to stop as his dc won't be long seeing he is a pain. Tell him he needs to go to counselling to get help for his complaining. Show him that its a horrible unattractive quality that he needs to deal with or lose his whole family. Don't defend yourself when he complains. Just stare at him and say: are you complaining again?
Children get all their security from a happy relationship between their parents. So he is a bad dad.

I think he needs a chance to change. And if he doesn't then at least you know you tried.

"Walking on egg shells" is an expression almodt exclusively used by victims of abuse. Are you minimising just how badly he treats you?

The best thing a father can do for his kids is to love their mother - he's not a good father.

Theresnodisneyending. I agree, tell him that you can't put up with this anymore and give him a chance to change.

My DH gave me a chance to change my behaviour several years ago (different issues, but equally draining) and confronting me with it was the wake-up call I needed. I made the effort to change because I valued our relationship. We're both much happier and we just renewed our vows.

Not me but my parents. My father was apalling as a husband, really hopeless. Not cruel or anything but generally unsupportive/emotionally uninterested in my mother (yes there is a back story) but he was an ideal father, still is. I was very lucky that he stayed with my mother despite her behaviour (she got fed up with him and eventually became quite abusive). My life would have turned out very diferenrly if he had left me with my mother. Eternally grateful to him.

Creating an atmosphere of tension and fear in the house his children have to live in is not the action of a good father. Simple as.

This was my life with my exh. I left and am now happily married to a man who is an amazing supportive husband. My exh is still a great dad to our kids, we had just fallen out of love and were incompatible.
Your dh can still be a good dad if you split

By definition he's not a great dad if he belittles you and moans about trivial shit. It's not possible to both be a good dad and to endlessly put down the mother of your children.

As others have said he's perfectly capable of being a great dad if you separate -- probably a better dad.

If you think you can salvage something and you might be able to persuade him of your perspective it might be worth giving counselling a go. But otherwise I'd cut your losses and live a happy life with your children free of his bullshit.

An awful husband, by definition, can never be a good father

I think you can be a great father to your children, but incompatible with your partner. I know people this happened to - when they split, they were able to be friends and co-parent happily, they just could not get on together and it brought out the worst in both of them, to be honest. Maybe it would be best to think about a trial separation?

This is exactly what I’m going through (although I’m not pregnant) OH (now ex) is a great dad, if a bit lazy (not brushing LO’s teeth, washing hair) but he is uninterested in me, unsupportive through illnesses I have recently been diagnosed with. No interest in socialising with me/our friends and treating me like crap, ignoring me, not helping around the house enough. In turn this has made me treat him badly.

I tried for a year to make it work and begged him to talk to me. He refuses so I have made the decision to end our relationship.

It’s been a vey hard decision. I have given him chances to turn this around.

Would counselling be an option?

Be interesting to see if some of you saying not possible to be a great dad if you aren’t an amazing husband, how would you feel about someone saying great mother but a lousy wife, I think we might get double standards

"how would you feel about someone saying great mother but a lousy wife"
Well, I would think you can't be both of those things either. One of the most important things we do as parents is model relationships-including the breakdown of relationships.

I think that you can do your best as a parent at bad times. If you continue with toxic relationships and the turmoil and (probably toxic) behaviour that comes with that for a long period then you are not a ‘great’ parent.

Relationships are hard, breaking up is hard. I think most people are just trying to do their best. But sometimes you have to face up to the fact that a relationship may not be for the best and have the courage to get out.