My friends other friend!

[BuffyBee]

I have a friend who I've known about ten years. We go out for lunch every other week and go to the theatre a lot. We also go away to a good hotel for a week once a year. She's a good friend and we've always felt able to confide in each other.
She is my only close friend in this country, I have three friends who live abroad, who I visit at least once a year and FaceTime .
She has always had lots of friends through her business and from amateur dramatics and is always out and about. We're not "tied at the hip" by any means.
About a year ago she started to mention one friend, who was going through a divorce at the time and when we spoke, she had either been out that day with her or was going out the next. No problem!
She kept saying that we must meet as she was sure that we would both get on and we could start going out together occasionally. I thought, great, why not.
So next time we went to a Show she came along! She seemed nice and smiley and I was really happy to meet someone new but over the night, she gave a couple of "digs" about things I was talking about. I thought I'd maybe imagined it and hoped I was right. However the next time we met for lunch, I got a weird dig right away. Sort of, "your having salad, really" ? !

I'm trying to be nice because I don't want to upset my friend but I'm not sure what to do!
My friend has now included us both in theatre trips from now till next February and at the lunch asked me to join them both for a week away next year. I said I always visit my friend in Spain in May but the new friend said that's fine we can go in June then.
So she seems to really want me to go and I'm thinking have I imagined the digs. Or is she someone who just comes out with random things without thinking and it's me being sensitive.
What I'm asking is! If I'm right and we become a three some so to speak.
How do I deal with her if she really is having digs at me, without upsetting my friend.

You stare at her and don't answer. Don't look away either. Then carry on what what you were doing.

And if she's mean like that, point it out to your other friend. Why shouldn't you? Are you afraid to lose your proper friend altogether?

I think you do some things together and perhaps you initiate some things with your friend separately. She can't really invite this person along then! Or if she says, "Can I ask so-and-so?" then you can just reply, "I'd really like some time with just you for old times' sake." Is the friend someone who would notice the digs too? Or is she a bit oblivious? If she is the type to notice, I would let it lie and let her notice and possibly let it dampen the friendship a bit. If she's a bit oblivious, I'd be more confrontational at the time and make it more of an issue but politely eg. salad comment you could say, "I just really like salad." Or something else you could respond rather than just glossing over it. Friend should start noticing then.

If you're worried about thinking of something in time, you could just say, "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that!" Make her say the 'dig' again and hope it embarrasses her out of it. I wouldn't commit to a holiday until she stops though.

If someone is making sly digs the best way is to get them right out there in the open. "Having salad?" --> "Yes, why do you ask?"/"You make that sound as if having a salad is strange!" Just said in a curious way - she might even come up with a proper reason for her comment!

Can you not just say to your friend "Sorry, I think X and I clash a bit; I'm not sure we'll have much fun together."?

Don’t get involved with a 3 some. It will backfire. It did on me. You were perfectly happy as you were. Start inviting your friend out by herself and getting back to just the two of you. Be honest and say “thanks so much for introducing me to X but I’m not really a 3 some person. Can we go back to doing things just us as I really miss that”

and definitely don’t go on holiday with her!!

Just tell your friend she isn’t your cup of tea and you’d rather meet her alone

Oh! Thanks so much peekyboo and Marigold, I really wasn't sure anyone would answer.
I'm not worried about losing my friend completely and we are still seeing each other on our own.
It's just unnerved me a bit and I've started to dread the next time we all meet, which will be the theatre in two weeks.
The thing is, I really want to like her!
Thanks for the tips on how to handle any future digs. I'm sure I could do the stare and say nothing, (serious face or smile ?)
And the "sorry, I didn't quite catch that", would be good.
Oh God! I hope it's just weird nerves on her side, that is making her say "off" things.
My Df is quite oblivious but is pretty shrewd as well, so, I think if I give new friend enough rope she will notice.

"Yes, why do you ask?" is also a good one to have 'on tap'. I know what it's like to not be able to think of anything on the spur of the moment! Whatever you do, don't be mean back! As you say, if she is a genuinely mean person (as opposed to just saying the first thing that comes into her mouth) then she will hang herself.

Does she just make digs at you, or has she ever made them to Df?

It’s awkward maybe your friend feels obligated to ask the new friend and doesn’t realise or pretends not to notice does your friend ask the new friend out with other friends as well or does she just go out with you. Maybe your friend feels obligated to invite her. I have a friend who is very busy and popular and she is always inviting extra people along oblivious that sometimes it didn’t work and spoiled the dynamics. She often forget to say she had invited x along as well. She has got better and doesn’t do this now without asking. I think she just has so many friends she struggles to fit everyone in.
I hate people who make digs like that. I have known this in the past many times. I have tried being nice, tried to ignore comments, think the best of them etc etc. I don’t know why people are like this but she obviously is either very insecure, feels threatened by you and your friendship and or doesn’t like you and wants you out of the way. Don’t go on holiday the three of you and steer your friend towards things for just the two of you. If you initiate the shall I get us tickets to go and see x and say you just want to go on your own.

Definitely don't go on holiday with her, no! Been there, done that, it was hell :) You don't have to like everyone, they don't have to like you.

A wendy, a definite Wendy!

Yes! Cawfee! "Yes, why do you ask", is another good one.
I'll have to read through these before the next night out.
I think my friend just thinks that it would be nice and the more the merrier! matilda.

I do know that she had been "blowing my trumpet" to the other friend though, as she told me. She said, "Oh, I've told df all about you and how much she'll like you. How funny you are and how we never stop laughing, when we're together".
I thought at the time, although nice, it was a bit much and maybe not what someone, recently divorced and vulnerable wants to hear from a df that she is confiding in. Perhaps it's that! Because I've certainly not given her any reason to not like me. Maybe, as she gets to know me better, she'll see the real me, not the one described to her.
I'll give her a chance, as it could just be nerves!
But I'll have my retorts ready, if she digs at me again.
And if I'm sure that she's being mean. I will tell Df that I'd rather us go back to just us two meeting up as I don't think me and newDf get on.
Thanks so much for all these replies, it's amazing how you just can't think, when someone puts you in an awkward position, I was getting paranoid about it.

Agreed with @peekyboo don’t react. Sounds like the new friend is threatened. 3 is a crowd and all that