Insecure SIL lies about me. WWYD

[MerryMarigold]

She's married into dh's family. They are somewhat random lies (can't say as quite 'outing' as so specific), although I believe they usually have some kind of manipulation at heart. But the ones that bother me are the ones about me. I also don't want my kids to get dragged into this. They are still young, but of similar ages to hers, so I can imagine if they do great in something then something may start in order to 'compete' or alienate them also from the family.

Most of the time I haven't caught her out (I have a couple of times though and was ), but know something is 'going on' by the way dh's family respond to me eg. randomly defriending me on FB, ignoring/ being v off with me at gatherings etc. SIL and BIL live a lot closer to the rest of the family and see a lot of them plus she has also been quite kind to some of them. She does have a good side, for sure! I believe I get the worst of it, as I'm not around that much so I'm an easy topic for conversation, and can't defend myself. I also think she partly singles me out as she feels more 'directly' competitive with me (BIL is dh's only brother). I feel I have tried at various times, and particularly with the kids as they are my kids' cousins, but it's hard and today is a 'give up' day as a new lie has come to light (not one about me, but reminds me how manipulative she can be). I'm feeling a bit down today, and can see just how my self confidence has nose-dived since my marriage. This is definitely not just down to her, but it has had an effect in grinding me down amongst other things.

WWYD? My current strategy is to ignore, smile and wait for it to blow over. It generally does, but I think perhaps it's taken a toll.

What does your DH say?

Don't be surprised if you're not the only one who is aware of this. And has no one talked to you regarding what she says, to try and find out what is going on?

No, they never talk openly. Quite a gossipy family, but also very lovely in their own way too. It's all behind the scenes gossip and I've heard it about others who aren't there (not from SIL but others), but don't do it myself. At times I've said something totally innocent and seen scales fall from their eyes! (Eg. I had no idea SIL was in hospital and she'd obviously been saying how awful I was not to visit).

Dh gets annoyed, especially when they 'favouritise' SILs kids, but that's very normal as they see SILs kids more often. He always gets a bit moody and then gets over it. The stuff with me, he is a bit eye-roll/ "She's up to her old tricks. Just ignore it." He doesn't really get on with or like her.

Hmm. It's all very well people saying "ignore it," but they're not the ones whose reputations are being trashed and having bad things thought of them.
I think you need your dh on side here and one or other of you should blow this into the open. Call her out on it. Ask family members if anything has been told to them about you as you'd like to set the record straight.
Don't let her get away with it. It's outrageous.

The long-range effect of her behaviour is likely to be felt by your children as much as you. Given enough time and opportunity, a malicious person like this can ostracise a whole section of the family, thereby having the rest of the family to themselves.

I've seen it happen in mine, with different behaviour but the same result. Over time you grow apart and factions form.

Be careful how you deal with it now and consider what you can do, and also whether you'd rather let those people go who so readily believe the lies about you.

I’m from an Indian background and this is my life when it comes to mostly females in laws. Grey rock and moving to another city and making a new life away from the boring shit stirrers really helps.

Have you tackled her on this? I’d phone her EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME! ‘Why have you said this when you know it’s not true/has been totally made up by you?’ Bet she stops her shit if you try this.

It's horrible when people tell lies about you, I've had it in the workplace in the past, but thankfully never from a close family member. I would honestly confront your SIL, she shouldn't be able to go on telling lies about you. Because the sad truth it, there are always people around who are very happy to believe the worst, as they feed off the drama.

I hope you find a way to resolve this.

The whole family sound a big overdramatic defriending you on facebook and such childish nonsense. If she was lying and they didn't buy into it it would soon isolate her. I would pull back from them all and gain my support from my own family. Also stop trying to be involved with her dc. As your dc are over there on their own as they get older she is liable to lie and plant seeds in their minds about you or your dh.. She is a dangerous woman and doesn't deserve your friendship.

Maelstrop, the times I actually caught her out were early in my marriage where she hadn't got as many people 'onside' so things slipped out. I did tackle those, but she got better at it. These days it's more that I don't know what's going on or what I've done. Dh asked his brother last time and he said it was fine/ nothing, but I'm not stupid. DB is not close to his brother, which just makes it a bit harder to bring into the open. He would also never expose his wife. I also did something nice for their DC which combined with time made it blow over. I can tell when people have an issue with me and when they are ok. To be fair, she doesn't have this effect on everyone in the family. There's a few who are closer to her. I'm worried about my dniece though as my dd is close to her.

Cheekyandfreaky, we do live some distance, so we're not around all that much, which is part of the issue, but which I'm also grateful for. I love her DC so this is just going to have to keep going the same way and perhaps naturally drift if they get older.

Theres only so much you can try OP. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and distance yourself.
Im from an indian background where were are notoriously close to family, practically in each others pockets. But ive switched off mentally towards my ILs. They have their life where husbands siblings are closer to one another and refuse to ever include or acknowledge me. We have a newborn and they barely acknowledge my baby either.
Switch off, grey rock, and move on. Life will be much much smoother that way x

She has got people on side because you haven’t called her out on her behaviour.

What does grey rock mean?

When I've called her out, it's been directly. Short of a big, public drama our letting things out behind her back, how do I let others know?

Buns, I know what you mean. I've definitely distanced myself, which is a part of the criticism towards me.

It sounds like a crab bucket type of family.

Distance yourself, physically, emotionally, mentally. And not just from her.

Life is so much easier away from that crab bucket!

Thanks all. I think I have distanced myself a lot and will continue. The thing with her DC is hard as they ask to come over. Will keep going with them, but if she tries messing with my kids and lying to/ about them...