I'm online dating, and a guy wants to call me tonight - please hold my hand!

[ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway]

I'm currently getting over a deeply heartbreaking relationship, so I thought I'd dip my toe into the Online Dating world.

Mostly I get messages off blokes I don't fancy, or guys who can't string a sentence together. So it's rare to find someone interesting, attractive, and intelligent... but I seem to have found two at the same time!

Bloke #1. We quickly moved off OD to Whatsapp chatting, and have been chatting intensely for about a week. He was keen, seems sweet, and he's cute. But he works 12 hour shifts 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. During our week of intense chatting, he was on his time off, but he has now gone back on shift. Right before he started back at work, he suggested that we should meet up for a drink soon. But since he's been back on shift, the texting has dropped right off. He's clearly very busy, and he has texted every day, but just a few texts, quick chat, and that's it for another 24 hours.

I asked him when he might find time for this drink that he suggested, and he said it would have to be in 2 weeks when his shift rotation ends. I like him, I want to keep him interested, but I'm worried that I'm coming across too keen - so I'm just trying to play it very cool, replying to him when he texts but that's all... am I at risk of him just fading away?

Bloke #2 He was away travelling when we first started chatting about 2 weeks ago, he sent me huge long essays of messages about his travels. Seems very nice.. but then he disappeared. I thought, I've got nothing to lose, so a couple of days ago I messaged him one last time to say I thought he was worth persevering with because there were so few decent guys on OD so it would be nice to keep chatting, and I gave him my number - he Whatsapped immediately, apologising for disappearing, and since then he's been lovely and chatty. He immediately suggested that he call me tonight so that we can have a proper chat... eeeek! I'm nervous!

My relationship history is I always come across too keen, I mess things up by being too intense. Whatsapp drives me nuts when I can see that a guy has read my message but not replied. I'm quite intense. So I'm worried that will come across and frighten these guys away.

I really need the distraction, I'm still heartbroken and trying to heal over the previous relationship so I'd like to make at least of these two new love interests get as far as a few dates!

I should add that they both live >2 hours away from me, so any date would require a bit of effort and a day out, it's not like we can meet for a 30 min coffee any time soon...

• at least ONE of these two new love interests...

Oh and I've just realised Bloke #2 said he would call me Sunday evening, and it's only Saturday so I've got some time to build myself up!

.... Aaaand breathe! I get it, it is nerve wracking but you're working yourself up here.

Firstly, your opening sentence is a big give away. You're not over try and person who broke your heart. Whilst it's natural to want to get back out there, I honestly think unless you have had time to work our tour feelings and your head, it isn't a good idea.

What makes you tick? Do you see friends much? You might be better off investing time in yourself and getting stronger before starting to think about another guy. No harm in having fun but make sure it is fun!

Sorry about typos!

I'm definitely over thinking it because i'm desperate to get over the heartbreak.

I do see my friends a lot, but this weekend everyone is away or busy so I'm alone and spending too much time stressing about men!

Aww, the best thing you can do is work on what makes you happy.. Independently. I spent 4 years alone after marriage. I've only just started dating again.

Im the same as in over thinking so I think it is natural especially with online dating but I'd worry that if you haven't built up your confidence to be alone, you're setting yourself up for more heartache?

Two threads you might like...

1. The dating thread in relationships. Really good, useful stuff

1. The weekend on your own thread. I'll have to look for that one.

Are you sure you’re really ready for dating?
My gut says from your posts, probably not.

My best experience when it comes to dating is not to overthink it. If you want to message, then message.

Are you sure you’re really ready for dating?

Probably not, but I can't let my ex continue to keep me hanging on a threat for him.

• thread!

I was in a similar place as you OP, it was only when I took a step and went with the flow, so to speak, that I met someone amazing. Let the guy make all the effort to begin with, that way you know they are really into you and is serious about you.

Yes that's what I'm hoping for - to open my mind to other possibilities and start to gain perspective on my previous heartbreak. It's already working - I'm thinking about a life with a new/different love interest rather than with him, so that must be good.

So... how do I tackle Bloke#1 - just respond when he messages and see where it goes, without pushing him too much? 2 weeks is a long time to wait and I'm worried he will go off the boil.. but in that case, I've invested nothing in him, and if its' not meant to be.... meh.

Bloke#2 - seems genuinely lovely... I'll be a bag of nerves when he calls!!!

As a rule I'd meet OLD guys asap rather than chatting for ages. Chatting creates a false intimacy which can create problems if you meet up & there's no spark!

Awww I hope it goes well for you. I remember my first chat with a guy I met online dating. I can remember exactly what we talked about and also I told him that I had a daughter! I hadn’t put that on my profile. Next week we’ll have been married 10 years! And we’ve been together 12! I really hope it all goes well.

He never called :(

We had a lovely chat on the Friday evening... and then he disappeared all weekend. I didn't message him.... then on Monday he texted and apologised saying he had gone away for the weekend. We've messaged a couple of times since then, but he's clearly not bothered.

Oh well...

It seems to me like the men in your life govern your behaviour. You're old because of what your ex thinks. You check WhatsApp regularly to see if these two have been on line. You're overinvested immediately and appear needy. You need to take a break and just be you. If you need a distraction why don't you go on holiday?

cold I have seen you on the OLD thread and just wanted to say a few things.

Firstly, trying to date while you are no way over your ex is not easy. You are feeling quite sensitive, so a simple thing as someone you never met showing as online on whats app and not replying to your messages sneds you into a spin. He could be talking to his mum, had a family crisis, organising with a friend to go out etc. He might not "just" be ignoring you. You will make yourself go crazy if you are constantly checking your messages, believe me.

Secondly, the guy who works 2 weeks 12 hour shifts, probably is just really busy. You need to remember that people have very busy lives, you are a tiny dot on their horizon right now, so people may take a day or so to get in touch.

I speak from experience and OLD was totally new to me (one relationship of 21years). Back then we didn't even have mobile phones! The first few months were quite hard and in hindsight I wasn't quite ready.

i over invested in a guy from chatting, met him he was camp as anything. I got involved with a guy I knew wasn't relationship material, his lack of response (after we DTD) drove me a bit batshit. I now see it as it was. I wasn't important in his life, we had sex a couple of times, he moved on.

Go into OLD if you continue (honestly you have to be pretty thick skinned to not l;et it drag you down at times) with open eyes, low low low expectations, and keep yourself as busy as possible with other people.

And put your phone down!! Stop checking. They could be speaking to 10 other women, and you 10 other men. You owe nothing to anybody and vice versa.

How long ago did your relationship end? if you feel like you NEED a relationship, men can smell that through whatts app. Trust, me.

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready for dating from what you’ve said. OLD is actually quite stressful at a time which is already stressful for you.
I went through a brief spell of OLD after breaking up with abusive ex h. It’s actually pretty addictive and not in a nice way, obsessed with my phone, checking for messages, feeling guilty for not replying to everyone etc.
Then People disappear for no reason, some seem over keen,some are just plain weird and yes you do need a pretty thick skin!

One guy phoned me and it felt like an interrogation for a job interview! Another two guys I met looked nothing like their pictures. That was the final straw and I cancelled membership. I felt relief, funnily enough, like getting rid of an addiction.

For me at least, it got the OLD urge out of my system but now I realise it was a “rebound” thing and for now I’m happy being on my own, spending more time with family and friends and maybe I’ll get another dog
Try to find something else to occupy yourself. Maybe contact friends you’ve not seen in a while? Try a Meetup group? Do something you used to enjoy but haven’t done for a long time?

Thanks everyone.

You're right, I'm vulnerable, but I'm fine. I'm not over investing in the OLD folks, and I certainly don't want or need a relationship. I want some fun and a distraction which I hope will transpire through OLD soon enough.

But I'm fine, I'm not going to get upset by any of it.

Thank you everyone

You don’t sound like you’re having much fun, OP.

But take care of yourself.